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Funny Cartoons: Bootleg Comic Books. Tomb Raider, Margaret Cho Karate: Fat Boo Tei


Bootleg Comic Books

By Brother Mau


I love Free Comic Book Day. Awkward, acne-encrusted teen boys were dropped off by their moms in droves at comic book stores all over America. Being near the poverty line, this opportunity to score some free books proved fruitful. Here are some of the titles I received, bootleg as they were.

Bill O' Reilly War Zone: In this title, irritable loudmouth, O' Reilly, goes on a killing spree in Hollywood. The uptight right-winger targets liberal celebs like Janeane Garofalo, George Clooney and shock-rocker, Marilyn Manson. My favorite part is when he goes to Sean Penn's house and makes the actor plead for his life as the retarded "Sam" character from I Am Sam, before mowing him down with an AK47. Because as we learned from George Bush's Texas, Republicans like killing retards. 

Margaret Cho Master of Kung Fu: I didn't really buy into this premise. A chunky Korean comic saves America using such martial arts styles as Phat Boo Tei, Gut Hang Lo, and the rolling in flour method. Her super power is her ability to digest tall buildings in a single bite. The best part is when Cho saves San Francisco by eating a reservoir full of won ton soup that was about to flood the city. Unfortunately, her resulting booming belch blew apart the Golden Gate bridge. 

Miller Man: Formerly liberal and semi-intelligent commentator, Dennis Miller, continues his current streak of xenophobia and flag-waving. Only, in this book, the enemy is not the Muslims he rudely demeans on TV appearances, but the Japanese. Set during World War II, this racist adventure will surely please any bigot or Dennis Miller fan. The cover is derived from an actual Superman cover of the mid 1940's. The best part is when Miller bores his enemy to sleep with pseudo-intellectual commentary during a football broadcast. On the strength of his vocabulary, he has earned the nickname The Man of Fortified, Malleable Iron-Carbon Alloy. (Steel)

Iron Man: A classic title that I was very glad to see. However, the storyline is very bizarre. A rogue government scientist creates a fully functional robot (with full service orifices) that resembles first lady, Laura Bush. He then escapes to outer space with it and is tracked down by Iron Man. The weirdest part is when our hero tries to make it with the robot and prematurely ejaculates motor oil all over her. How embarrassing! A livid Robot President Bush then calls Iron Man a terrorist and says he will deliver "American Justice" into Iron Man's Axis of Evil while his robot wife watches. For some reason the only person that the writers did not make into a evil robot was Donald Rumsfeld. Maybe they know something? 

Tomb Raider: This book ought to be called Pole Dancer! Lara Croft cavorts through various jungles in little more than her thong and some combat boots. One scene is very reminiscent of the beginning of Indiana Jones. It's when Lara has to put her breasts on a stone pedestal to keep a booby trap (no pun intended) from activating and releasing baby oil all over her. Oddly, my copy had some pages stuck together. It must be a problem at the printer's.


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