The Hog Blog

I don’t smoke. But my dad does.

Smokers start smoking because they are free birds. Let’s get reckless!

(Or because they are teenage girls who are rebelling against white teeth and fresh breath.)

As a kid, my dad would smoke while driving us in the car.

My dad gets cold easily, so he would be smoking in the car (AKA The Ashtray on Wheels) with the windows closed.

The car would fill up with smoke. As a kid sitting in the back, I would imagine I was in a Rock music video. I would wail on my air guitar as the smoke rose above the stage.

Oh, and my dad actually kept a rag on top of the dashboard to wipe off the film of yellowish tobacco that developed on the inside of the windshield.

Yeah, gross. The inside of the windshield was the same color as his underwear.

The memory of Dad coughing up a lung and digging for left-over cigarette butts in the car ashtray with the enthusiasm of an 1849er in a gold rush was the greatest anti-smoking commercial ever.

Thank you dad. I know you did that all for me. Because of your visual lesson, I will never, EVER smoke.

Smoking is definitely an addiction — a real addiction. That’s why I hate when girls are like, “I’m addicted to chocolate.”

No you’re not.

When nicotine addicts see cigarette butts on the street, they smoke them!

Would you pick up a half-eaten piece of chocolate off the sidewalk and put it in your mouth without hesitating?

Didn’t think so.

So to my thesis: More Farting = Less Sex I received some very interesting emails.

A typical email was this quick note from a woman remarking:

“You’re right. good for you.. and for her”

But THEN I get an angry rant from THIS guy:

“I am married, I fart around my wife and daughter all the time, I also get lots of sex, and 2 times a week is not a lot, how about twice a day and sometime more.

“I wake up and see my wife off after we have fun and then when I get home, and sometime before bed, so your linear reference to farting equals less sex is not valid.”

So I wrote him back:

“Thanks for the email!

“Well, I was joking about the twice a week being a lot of sex. I thought that was about average: 2-3 times a week. You are an incredibly lucky guy that your wife gives you that much sex. I think you in the .00001% of all guys. Wow. That is freakin’ awesome.

“Perhaps your farts contain some irresistible pheromones!

“Unfortunately for me, MY farts smell like a sweaty skunk simmering in a bath tub of raw sewage.”

So now I’m wondering, maybe it has only been the experience of me and my friends where farting leads to less sex.

Maybe girls want the whole “bad boy” image.

And bad boys fart around their women. These middle aged bad boys may not ride a motorcycle, but it SOUNDS like they do.

So does farting lead to MORE sex, or less sex?

The New York Daily News reports that a Bronx nightclub was shot up with a dozen bullets. One person died. One person lived. Thanks to her bootleg hair weave.

A bullet pierced the rest room door, where the woman was um, resting. The 9mm deathbringer scraped the side of the woman’s head but could not kill her because it got
trapped in her hair weave!

See! There are benefits to being bootleg! Long live the bootleg lifestyle! I love it!

If that woman had an expensive hair weave that felt like soft, supple hair – she would be DEAD right now. You’d be complimenting her hair as it looked in her casket.

But no! She had a bootleg, 99 cent store hair weave. Hard as a helmet. Saved her life!

I think the U.S. Army should issue her hair weave to soldiers.

Private McDougal: “Thank God I was wearing my 99 cent curly black weave over my shaved head. It helped me survive a direct hit by that enemy missile!”

Bootleg forever!!!!

The winners of these 2 games advance to the National MILF Championships!

Vote carefully! Give a good reason explaining your MILF of choice!

Game 1: Pamela Anderson vs. Melania Trump

Game 2:  Christine Taylor vs. Heidi Klum

For pictures, see the original article.