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a Expert Dating Advice column by Hog-Wild

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Q21: Hi there Hog. I’m a freshman at CWRU, and I’m thinking of joining a Fraternity. Any words of advice? Should I rush? What kind of hazing should I expect? --J at CWRU, Cleveland, OH

Q22: Hog, I love my boyfriend, but he won’t cook for me. I know that if I saw him cooking I would find him sooo much more attractive. HELP!! Sandra from UCSF-San Francisco, CA

Q23: Okay Hog, I like a girl. But I’m scared to approach her. I’ve never been good at that sort of thing. Would it be “weird” if I asked her out over e-mail? D at Wright State, Dayton, Ohio

Q24: Hi Hog! I’m living off campus and I’m kinda broke. I have to make a difficult decision. I must choose between Cable TV and the Internet. I can only afford one! Help! Steve at Cleveland State U., Cleveland, OH

Q25: How can I discourage vultures from roosting in my trees? --Dick W.

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Q21: Hi there Hog. I’m a freshman at CWRU, and I’m thinking of joining a Fraternity. Any words of advice? Should I rush? What kind of hazing should I expect? --J at CWRU, Cleveland, OH

Hold up! Wait a minute! You go to CASE, and you expect to get hazed by a Fraternity! Isn’t that like double jeopardy or something? You already have to go to CASE, how much more of an ordeal do you expect to go through? While some Greek organizations still haze, I will conjecture that most do not. But in general, learning to “pay your dues” is a good experience that will prepare you for the future.

For instance, when you start your dream job debugging software automation programs in Visual C++, do you think your co-workers will allow you to jump right in and start with the FUN STUFF? No! There’ll be no exciting adventures in object-oriented coding for you! Oh no, you have to WORK YOUR WAY UP to that level. First you’ll be sticky-note boy. That’s right. The only tests you’ll be running are the ones to ensure that each sticky-note has the proper stick-to-it-tivness. And the only DEBUGGING you’ll be doing is spraying Pest Control under and around the Candy Machine.

Yup, being in a Fraternity will make you a man. It will make you responsible. It will encourage you to think independently, yet act as a cooperative team member. And with any luck, it will also help you score. While my experience with my Fraternity was and is outstanding, I must say, “do you have what it takes?” Can you fortify yourself against the foul smells of a bathroom shared by 26 unclean college men whose idea of personal hygiene is not wearing the same socks on back-to-back weeks? Can you accept the opinions of others when they are expressed in a bologna-belch that splashes your offended nostrils flush against your cheeks? Simply stated, can you survive and enjoy living in a house with young men learning that life is more than just beer, babes, and bbq chicken wings?  Um, wait a second . . . I guess I didn’t learn a damn thing!

So should you Rush? Absolutely. Rush is just about meeting people. Being in a Fraternity is, at its most basic level, just about learning to live with friends. So Rush is a process where you discover if you want to make these people your friends. And duh, there’s like free wings at every event so what do you have to lose? Now go out, meet people, and have fun. And just stay away from that bovine Sorority, ETA LOTTA PI.

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Q22: Hog, I love my boyfriend, but he won’t cook for me. I know that if I saw him cooking I would find him sooo much more attractive. HELP!! Sandra from UCSF-San Francisco, CA

Okay Sandra. Let’s get one thing straight here. Speaking of straight, you live in SAN FRANCISCO, and you found a STRAIGHT MAN. What else could you ask for? You know as well as I do that there are plenty of men who love to cook in SF. But are they interested in you? No. My Lord woman! You finally find a man who doesn’t wear a frilly, pink thong to bed and now you want to dress him up in an apron?!

I admit it. Watching a man cook, IS attractive. Actually for me, watching ANYBODY cook is attractive. If my wife was a man and still cooked like she cooks, I might be “Living La Vida Loca” in John Tesh’s pants. The point is, don’t ask your partner to stretch beyond his or her capabilities. A relationship is not about challenging each other to reach greater heights in personal achievement-it’s about laying around in your underwear, belching loudly, and letting your body transmutate into the shape of a jiggly oval.

While some nubs enjoy cooking, yours clearly does not. Don’t push him to do this unless you want to be pressured in the same way. For instance, you probably do not enjoy scrubbing the toilet while wearing nothing but leather riding boots. But your nub would find you “sooo much more attractive.” What is this saying about you now? You’re ugly unless you’re bent over a urinal cake scraping dried human bladder spillage off the bowl?

You Sandra, are DISGUSTING! So stop it. Stop it right now I say. And enjoy your boyfriend’s company. So fine, he may not be the “marryin’ kind”, but he’s probably good enough to finance the remainder of your post-graduate education until you dump him for some academic egg-head.

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Q23: Okay Hog, I like a girl. But I’m scared to approach her. I’ve never been good at that sort of thing. Would it be “weird” if I asked her out over e-mail? D at Wright State, Dayton, Ohio

Dude, I bet if I kicked you in the groin with concrete boots you wouldn’t feel a thing. That’s because you have no grapes! Hellooooo!!! Since when has a bim ever been impressed by a spineless dweeb who held the confidence of an under-developed adolescent deer surrounded by a pack of hungry Lions? If Bob Dole can talk about E.D. on Television, then certainly YOU can ask some bim out on a date.

Just remember. You are superior. She is just a girl. She is merely an object you desire. If she doesn’t realize that you are her Purple Prince of Orgasm, then forget her! Move on to the next honey in biker shorts! Ka-peesh? Bless you.

So once you nail down all those lies and mindgames, stand tall, smile, and before you can clumsily spit out your pathetic inquiry of her weekend plans, steal a nice big glimpse of her hooterage. Because Lord knows, she may never let you that close to her bosoms again! In conclusion, e-mail is good for breaking up. Not getting together. Because there are times when a man doesn’t want look a young woman in the eyes and say, “Sweetheart, I’m sorry. Your ass is too jiggly and your cooking tastes like BBQ roadkill.” Messages like that are best delivered through the cold, faceless, medium of the Internet. And besides, you can blind-carbon-copy it to all your friends!

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Q24: Hi Hog! I’m living off campus and I’m kinda broke. I have to make a difficult decision. I must choose between Cable TV and the Internet. I can only afford one! Help! Steve at Cleveland State U., Cleveland, OH

This my man, is like Sandra Bullock, a no-brainer. If you can only afford one, go with the Internet! First of all, HOGWILD.NET has not yet penetrated the cable medium, so it would be more difficult to get your fix. Second, just think about it. Cable has hundreds of CRAPPY choices. The Internet has MILLIONS of crappy choices! And Cable TV doesn’t have entire channels devoted to a man’s dog in Iowa (as does the ‘Net.) All the information you could ever want is on the ‘Net--- if you could find it. And that’s the cool part!

While watching TV, you have an innate sense of how much time you have to channel-surf while the commercials are on. During a 6 minute break you can scan 72 channels in search of hooterage. But on the ‘Net, you truly get to use your skills as a Hunter-Gatherer. The hunt NEVER ENDS! That’s the beauty. Just when you thought you’ve scanned EVERY website for those bims in "Sister, Sister", there go 53 more!

But let’s break it down to the truth. If you spend your hard-earned units on Cable, you’ll have to wait for the wee hours of morning to see any serious hoots—and you can forget about hardcore anal-asian-midget-porn! On the ‘Net you’ve got 24 hour access to that stuff! The choice is clear. Cable—limited channels and no hardcore inter-racial anal-asian-midget-porn. Or the Internet--- UNLIMITED channels and PLENTY of hardcore inter-racial, anal-asian-midget porn. You make the call.

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Q25: How can I discourage vultures from roosting in my trees? --Dick W.

Dick, Dick, Dick. You’ve got the old "vultures" roostin, ay? Nasty little problem, isn’t it? I recommend vinegar, penecillan, and sandpaper.

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