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a Expert Dating Advice column by HogWild
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Easy. He can put gasoline
on his lips. Bims HATE kissing a guy with unleaded
premium breath! I wouldn’t recommend drinking
it though as severe death can occur. If that sounds too extreme, have him try gargling Onion
Soup prior to leaving the house. This will certainly help “keep him under
control.” Or, get one of those temporary cold
sores. They’re like temporary tattoos
only more scab-like. Or if you’re more literal
about keeping him “under control” I would cast the following spell: “Ooga Booga Roocha Smoocha Hoochie-Coochie Boogie-Woogie Kiss a bim and I’ll cut your penis off” This one tends to really work! Especially when your wife
chants it while kneeling before her Lorena Bobbit shrine. (And yeah, the
shrine has a bunch of half-cut candles.) Back to Top Ask YOUR Question! More Expert Dating Advice Tell a Friend!HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day
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Yes sir, or ma’am. I hate when you nubs (or bims) don’t tell me your
gender. It gets me all confused. Anywayzers, I suggest you give your MOM a
report card. That way she’ll know how it feels
to have your performance analyzed. For instance, your report card for Mom may look like: Listening
Skills: D
need to do less talking and pay more attention Supportiveness:
F- In 3rd grade you told me I
couldn’t be a Fireman because I had scrawny little girl arms Cooking
C-
Could use improvement and creativity. After the 4th
consecutive time it is no longer considered leftovers—it’s called trash
scraps. Also, you were wrong for insisting that the milk’s expiration date
was merely a “suggestion” Nagging
A+
Your complimentary Hostile Reminder Service is an inspiration to
Naggers and Wenches everywhere Mom will love this tactic as you throw back years of inadequate
parenting in her face. Basically, it's her fault that your grades are sorry. If only
she had attended those parent-teacher conferences in High School instead of turning
tricks all night. She’ll forget all about your silly report card while she’s setting up
the stool and noose. Now depending upon your relationship with mom, you might want to throw
in an affectionate hug. Or you could always offer to tighten the rope. I give you the Free Funny-Funny. You visit 1 sponsor every time you're here. Cool? Back to Top Ask YOUR Question! More Expert Dating Advice Tell a Friend!HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day |
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And I’m going
to poop myself if I have to keep listening to this rambling drivel!
The only
one who’s allowed to drivel nonsensically is ME! The REAL question here
Stubby is WHY in the Heckers did feel you had to pull out your grapes in order
to scratch them? While behind a desk, you may feel a sense of security in your little cubicle. But it is not a
bathroom. Post-it Notes are just that—NOTES. Not a wiping paper. And if you can’t understand
that, understand that your cubicle is a bathroom stall without a DOOR. Thus,
it is not the proper place to whip out Itchy
and start to Scratchy--- got it? You most likely could have relieved the searing sensation on your stinging
sack with a quick “adjustment.” Or even a jammy
juggle. A two time tug. At worst, utilized your ruler
in an unprofessional manner. But you did NOT have to expose the TRUTH like
that! You must suffer from some condition
that is causing you severe discomfort that you would go to such embarrassment
to surcease it. I will rule out Testicular
Acne because it of its rarity. However, you may be victim to what I call SSC.
Or in medical terms, Super Sweaty Sack. This condition causes a nub’s testes
to secrete astounding amounts of salty
syrup over the skin. This leads to itching and rashing, as well as totally
decreasing the patient’s chance of ever receiving oral
sex. What you need sir, is a sponge. Just wear the little guy under your grapes and each time it fills with the waste of your freaky hyper-glandular excess, just wring it out! Brilliant! Hog solves another one. NEXT! Back to Top Ask YOUR Question! More Expert Dating Advice Tell a Friend!HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day |
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But when it comes to
cookin’ . . . most men can’t hack it. If you REALLY want your nub to
respond, you MUST stop
putting out in the kitchen. Now, this is a last-resort
option. Because if it were me, and you threw down the apron, I’d be gone
faster than college kids at a party that just tapped the
last keg. So you must
decide if this is worth risking your relationship over. If his appearance
bothers you that much, than just date him for his
F.E.P. (Future Earning
Potential). If his FEP doesn’t
outweigh (pun totally intended) his obesity,
than
put a fork in him. Just don’t give me that Bull that you really care
about him and you’d rather live without him than live with him and watch him
die of a
heart attack. Please, you just don’t want to date a nub whose
buttcheeks roll over the sides of the toilet. Totally understandable. But, this actually
could be all your fault. Maybe your cooking is TOO good. It’s like, if
you’re a
trapeze artist, or professional contortionist, and your man gets
addicted to sex.
Like, duh! So maybe you’re TOO good. Unless he’s been
cheating on you. Going OUT to eat. Seein’ that trick
Wendy. Or that ho Ruby
Tuesday. Or that Mexican sleaze, Chi-Chi’s.
So here’s what you do. Tell him you care about him and that good stuff. Then tell him you want him to look his best. Tell him you will exercise with him. After every exercise reward him with something he wants. A foot rub, control of the remote, a night of freedom with a Thailand whore. You see, nubs are like dogs. Train them and they will behave. I admit it. I am a nub and I am like a dog. I wag my tail when I’m happy. I sometimes hump my hips against the side of the couch. Now if only I could lick my privates . . . Back to Top
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First let’s
deal with your Harry Javila. I used to have hairy Javila,
but the bims kept complaining so I shaved it off. Second, a bim that gives
you foot massages when you
come home from work does NOT have
a foot fetish, she’s just
being “a GOOD WOMAN.” You are blessed to
have such a fine girlfriend. If it were an actual fetish she’d be sucking
your toes, stroking your toenails,
and chewing on your calluses.
If your bim is not cuddling up to your corns,
then don’t worry about her having a fetish. I mean, does she make you
get into her high heels before you get into bed? Does she paint your nails
and call you Charlie? You are a lucky
man, Harry. Especially since she works your bunions even
before you’ve washed your pedals. Most lucky indeed. I
bet she’s also the kind of bim that isn’t distracted by your manly
musk on a hot summer day when she’s grooming
your grapes with her nose.
That’s an awesome woman. You take care of her. As far as this
toe-jam stuff—don’t
worry about it. In fact, I farm the stuff. It’s like growing cotton.
Each day I unplug the conglomeration of sock fabric, dirt, sweat, and blister
juice and put it in a big jar. By the
end of the week I’ve got enough crop for the little lady to knit me a
sweater! And pickin’ foot cotton is almost as much fun as pickin’ lint
out your belly button. Sometimes I get greedy and do both at the same
time. Once I even made a small sculpture made
entirely of bodily byproducts. With just some ear wax, toe-jam, belly
lint, snot, and back hair I created a small version of Michelangelo’s
David. I tried to get booked on Regis
& Kathy Lee but from what I hear,
Kathy nixed the deal because her cosmetics supplier said my ingredients
violated their patents. Oh well. You are one
fortunate nub. Don’t blow it. Let
her. JEREMY!!!! Stop telling me to say those crass things! You stupid big
bloated . . . . anyway, enjoy
it. Because you could have
it like me, where I have
to rub my bim’s feet in order to get dinner. I give you the Free Semi-Funny Expert Dating Advice. You visit 1 sponsor every time you're here. Cool? Thank you.Back to Top Ask YOUR Question! More Expert Dating Advice Tell a Friend!HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day |
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