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a Expert Dating Advice column by HogWild
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Q52: I'm
in love with a married 34 year old man who has a kid. I am twelve and
he’s my teacher. Everyone including him knows I fancy him. Help me!
Chloe, England
At your age it is normal to fantasize about
older men. I mean, when
I
was
a 12 year old year old girl all I could do all day was fantasize about
Menudo. (They were a big pop band.) But now that I’m a grown man, I’ve
matured. Now I only fantasize about
Ricky Martin. Kind of ironic, eh? What
I’m saying is, it is okay to fantasize. To dream about doing things you
wouldn’t really do.
Okay I’m back. So what I was saying is that it’s okay to
fantasize, as
you say, to FANCY someone older. But you CAN’T act on it. Believe me.
I’ve tried. I wrote Ms. Carter letters, phoned her, email, but
did she
ever respond?!!
Yes. With a subpoena to appear before a court-ordered
psychiatrist. Oh, woe is me. But this is not about me, this is about
you
and your
hot stud of a teacher. What I’m saying is, having a crush on your teacher is okay. Just realize
he’s Okay I’m back. Where were we? Right, so you have this list. Now you know
what kind of boy you are interested in. But remember,
no sex
until
you’re 30! Even if you get married at 25. No sex until 30! Sex is the
Devil’s playground! So keep your crush on your teacher, but realize it’s only a crush.
However, when you turn 18, he will only be 39. He will be right in the
prime
of his mid-life crisis! He will be looking for some
kinky action
with a
barely-legal teenager
like yourself. Then you can get with him,
destroy his marriage, and take all his money! See Chloe, in the end,
everything DOES work out happily ever after. NOTE: HogWild is not really bi-sexual. He is best classified as uni-sexual—having
sex with only himself. Back to Top Ask YOUR Question! More Expert Dating Advice Tell a Friend!HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day
HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day
But really, isn't mom allowed a little bit of fun? For God's sake she
wiped your ass until you could walk yourself to school. She fed you and her
breasts haven't been the same since. She washed your skivvies and ironed your hair.
Good God man, cut the lady some slack! Back to Top Ask YOUR Question! More Expert Dating Advice Tell a Friend!HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day Q54: How do I get a not-so-popular boy to notice me? I really like him and he talks to me sometimes, but just as friends. Please help me!! - Alison in Ohio
-Cooks bbq ribs wearing only a crotchless apron Back to Top Ask YOUR Question! More Expert Dating Advice Tell a Friend!HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day Mike,
I was you in High School. And that’s why I never had any dates. I
discovered what all boys discover on their way to manhood. Women don’t
want mates who are polite, kind, funny, likeable, etc. All they are
concerned with is F.E.P. (Future Earning Potential.) I’m sorry but this is
the world we live in. And the sweet guy stigma sucks. Trust me, I’ve been
there. Oh yeah, I used to be really polite. I’d write bims poems and
compliment their smile. I’d hold the door for them. I’d pretend not to
notice when they farted. Ya know, all that chivalrous stuff. But it didn’t
net me any action. That’s when Corporate stepped in. They said, “Look
young Hoggy, we appreciate your approach but your business model is not
working. We need to see some bims on the bottom line! A line of bim’s
bottoms. Bim’s on the bottom.” You get idea. What I’m saying is, the
CEO is your teenage hormones. Listen to Mr. CEO. Call it a paradigm-shift in
play. You’re getting none, so try something else. Bims
want a man with confidence.
Think to yourself, “If this bim doesn’t want
me—to hell with her—I’ll just spend Saturday Night downloading
pictures off the Internet.” Wait, that won’t help.
There’s the old
adage: There’s other fish in the sea. And if she thinks her fish don’t
smell fishy—then bag yourself another tuna. Don’t be too nice to these
girls. They’re teenagers. They don’t know what they want. They go
through phases. The mature ones already know about the F.E.P. The
starry-eyed ones go for the guys who ride dirt bikes. And NEVER break the
one-week rule. If you start talking to a new girl you MUST ask her out
within one week or else she will start to think of you like her brother. And
women don’t want to lock grills with their brothers! (NOTE: If you are
from Arkansas, West Virginia, or Southern Kentucky, I apologize. Keep doing
what you’re doing.)
But
if she’s not attached, go after her! Be aggressive. You the shiznit and
she’s got to know it. Will you show her a good time? Will you be nice to
her? Will you treat her with respect? If you answered yes then you’re
probably already better than anyone else she’s ever dated. See, she’d be
LUCKY to have you. Unless of course your face looks like a Pizza loaded with
toppings. Then um, sorry. Most teenage girls are just too shallow to look
past that. Then you’ll have to be willing to spend bacon bits on her. But
be ready for her to be mean. She might say, “Stop spending money on
Flowers, you need to save it for a chemical peel with the Dermatologist.”
All physical obstacles can be overcome though. You’ll just have to try
harder. That’s the great thing about females. That’s why you see ugly
nubs with super hot bims. Because most bims can look past appearances and
right into your wallet. Thank God for that. Think about it. Men are NOT the
same way. A bim can have an awesome personality, be funny, sweet,
considerate, into sports, caring—but dudes will still be like, “Um, XXX
is how I like my sex—not the size of my girl’s panties.” So
what I’m saying is there is hope for you. Keep your cool. Win her over.
Don’t stalk her. If she says no, date someone else so your stock price
will rise. When a bim sees a nub with another bim it makes her want him
more. Even if the bim is ugly. ESPECIALLY if the bim is ugly. They start
saying, “What does he see in HER?! I would be so much better for him.”
Try to go somewhere with her in a group. Like an amusement park. Make sure
only dorky nubs are going. That way she’ll spend most of her time with
you. Get her alone with you. Like make sure the two of you ride in the same
rollercoaster car. Buy her cotton candy. It’ll make her start to look at
you differently. Plus she’ll see lots of hot guys and couples around and
it will give her that Spring Fever where she really wants a boyfriend. So
she just might settle for you! Good
luck!
HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day I
feel you Alex.
But a life of crime is not going to get you what you want.
Unless what you want is UBS (Uninvited Butt Sex.)
That’s why I’m not a
criminal. It’s not that I have a conscience or a strong set of moral
values—it’s just that I’ve had hemorrhoids and it hurt SOOO bad. And
if THAT hurt like hell, I don’t even want to imagine what Prisoner
Bruno’s big bopper would feel like when he wakes me up with a kiss and the
good morning sausage. It’s just not worth it. If
you really want to make your mark in this world you need to have a family
and raise good children. That’s your legacy. That’s the most important
thing a person can do in this world—take care of your family. But if
that’s not your style, may I suggest jumping out of the stands at a Soccer
match and running across the field bottomless, your grapes flapping in the
wind. Hey, it may not be as noble as raising a family but being a good
father never got anybody’s face (or dangling body parts) on the news.
As
for your last wish—sorry, but nobody smiles on their death bed. Unless of
course you’re 90 and in the midst of making love to your busty Asian nurse
while eating her twin sister’s pie. That’s how I want to go. Eating pie.
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Chloe,
first let me express my
Okay, here’s an example. I used to dream about
First off, what is a "Mums?" I thought they had eradicated that disease in the 1500's. But I get the idea.
Mom-dukes is getting' her party on at your expense. So is your mom like 85 and senile? Sounds like it. It also sounds like she lives with you. Do what Bea Arthur did in the "Golden Girls" when her mother was acting up. In your raspiest
Frankenstein voice, threaten, "Shady Pines, Ma. Shady Pines." That'll keep her in line.
Ali, let me break it down. You're young. He's young.
Don't have sex. Look, he's a scared little man with little
self-confidence and little cute ears that you just want to munch on! If you want him to notice you, you can just walk up to him and say, "Hi." This will blow his mind and make him incredibly
uncomfortable. He'll start sweating. And knowing boys this will mean he'll start stinking too. Do you LIKE stinky boys? 
As
for this one bim you’ve got your eyes on now—does she currently have a
nub? If she’s dating someone, I say wait your turn like everyone else.
Sure you can vulture and snap up her emotional carcass as soon as her
relationship dies—but I would advise against actively interfering. Think
about it. Do you really want to get your ass kicked over this? Probably not.
If so, you might be in love. If you think you’re in love, may I suggest
really visualizing how bad of an ass-kicking you’re going to get. Broken
ribs, nose bone slammed into your forehead, knee all bent the wrong way…
not worth it. You ain’t Popeye—leave Olive Oil alone until she’s free.
pie. So my dream job is to be a pie-taste-tester. And I’m not just
dreaming about this career. I’m going after it! I’ve gone to Pie
College, majoring in Apple with a minor in Cherry Strudel. I’ve been
accepted to Intern at a prestigious bakery where I’ll learn how to
properly taste pie and rate it according to accepted International Pastry
Standards. It’s not easy to pursue your dreams--- but what alternative is
there? To be unhappy your whole life? Heeeeeeeell no! So Alex, do what you
have to in the meantime, but go after your dreams. I don’t know your
personal aspirations but if it means going to night school, going on
auditions, playing the trumpet in crowded transit stations, or fornicating
with over-the-hill hookers with prosthetic legs and tube-sock breasts in
your quest to be an Adult Film Star--- then do it! Make it happen. Have a
goal and don’t stop until you conquer Austria, Poland and Russia! Oh wait,
I hope THAT’S not your dream. Somebody already tried that.