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Q52: I'm in love with a married 34 year old man who has a kid. I am twelve and heís my teacher. Everyone including him knows I fancy him. Help me! --Chloe, England

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Q53: My Mums keeps buying stuff off QVC with my credit card without me knowing. I found loads of receipts with stuff she bought. When I confronted her she denied it. --Ross in England

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Q54: How do I get a not-so-popular boy to notice me? I really like him and he talks to me sometimes, but just as friends. Please help me!! - Alison in Ohio

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Q55:  Hey Hog. I'm 15 and consider myself to be polite, kind, funny, likeable and interesting. I have lots friends, get along with almost everyone and am generally a happy person. My problem is this; Although I'm very well liked and have a reputation for being "a sweet guy", I am not aware of any girl who has seriously liked me in a long time. It gets annoying because there's a person I really like and it's annoying because I always get tagged with the "sweet guy" thing. We get along well and have great chemistry together and I'm always making her laugh and smile, but I'm sure there's no way she's interested in me. It's really annoying me because I've never liked someone so much before. Just wondering your take on the situation. Thanks.  --Mike

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Q56: I'm getting tired of every day being too similar and my jobs killing me. Iím thinking of turning to a life of crime to make things more interesting. Donít worry Iím not stupid. Iíve got a good education and Iím sure Iíd do well at robbing banks or something. Iím 21, Iíve probably got 40 years left. I donít want to be dying and think, "[Tish] Iím nothing!" Give me some advice Hog. Make it so I look back when Iím on that death bed and smile. ĖAlexander in England

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Q52: I'm in love with a married 34 year old man who has a kid. I am twelve and heís my teacher. Everyone including him knows I fancy him. Help me! Chloe, England

Getting advice from a man named after a pig is not the brightest idea. Chloe, first let me express my sympathy for the fact that you have no parents. Because if you did, how the hell are they allowing you to come to my net site?! But aside from that, you have bigger issues to deal with. Like this whole ďI-wanna-straddle-my-teacherĒ thing.

At your age it is normal to fantasize about older men. I mean, when I was a 12 year old year old girl all I could do all day was fantasize about Menudo. (They were a big pop band.) But now that Iím a grown man, Iíve matured. Now I only fantasize about Ricky Martin. Kind of ironic, eh? What Iím saying is, it is okay to fantasize. To dream about doing things you wouldnít really do.

Man, she was hot! Okay, hereís an example. I used to dream about Linda Carter all the time. I mean day and night. She played Wonderwoman on TV. When I would go to sleep I would picture her in my mind. Those tight blue spandex shorts hugging her ample curves. That skimpy red top holding up those womanly globes of goodness. Her long brown hair whipping in the wind. Her piercing blue eyes. Wait, excuse me for a minute.

Okay Iím back. So what I was saying is that itís okay to fantasize, as you say, to FANCY someone older. But you CANíT act on it. Believe me. Iíve tried. I wrote Ms. Carter letters, phoned her, email, but did she ever respond?!! Yes. With a subpoena to appear before a court-ordered psychiatrist. Oh, woe is me. But this is not about me, this is about you and your hot stud of a teacher.

What Iím saying is, having a crush on your teacher is okay. Just realize heísClick to Hire HogWild! not for you. It can never be. But itís not sad. Because now you know what kind of man you are interested in. Write down the traits you admire in him, such as maybe itís his rugged good looks, his compassion, his sense of humor, his long brown hair, his piercing blue eyesóoops, excuse me for just a moment again.

Okay Iím back. Where were we? Right, so you have this list. Now you know what kind of boy you are interested in. But remember, no sex until youíre 30! Even if you get married at 25. No sex until 30! Sex is the Devilís playground!

So keep your crush on your teacher, but realize itís only a crush. However, when you turn 18, he will only be 39. He will be right in the prime of his mid-life crisis! He will be looking for some kinky action with a barely-legal teenager like yourself. Then you can get with him, destroy his marriage, and take all his money! See Chloe, in the end, everything DOES work out happily ever after.

NOTE: HogWild is not really bi-sexual. He is best classified as uni-sexualóhaving sex with only himself.

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Q53: My Mums keeps buying stuff off QVC with my credit card without me knowing. I found loads of receipts with stuff she bought. When I confronted her she denied it. --Ross in England

First off, what is a "Mums?" I thought they had eradicated that disease in the 1500's. But I get the idea. Mom-dukes is getting' her party on at your expense. So is your mom like 85 and senile? Sounds like it. It also sounds like she lives with you. Do what Bea Arthur did in the "Golden Girls" when her mother was acting up. In your raspiest Frankenstein voice, threaten, "Shady Pines, Ma. Shady Pines." That'll keep her in line.

But really, isn't mom allowed a little bit of fun? For God's sake she wiped your ass until you could walk yourself to school. She fed you and her breasts haven't been the same since. She washed your skivvies and ironed your hair. Good God man, cut the lady some slack! 

In reality though, I understand that you can't afford your mother's extemporaneous shopping sprees. So, since she's senile anyway, let her enjoy making her impulse purchases and then quietly pack up and return the expensive items. She'll never remember what she bought anyway!

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Q54: How do I get a not-so-popular boy to notice me? I really like him and he talks to me sometimes, but just as friends. Please help me!! - Alison in Ohio

It was a nasty bikini-wax.Ali, let me break it down. You're young. He's young. Don't have sex. Look, he's a scared little man with little self-confidence and little cute ears that you just want to munch on! If you want him to notice you, you can just walk up to him and say, "Hi." This will blow his mind and make him incredibly uncomfortable. He'll start sweating. And knowing boys this will mean he'll start stinking too. Do you LIKE stinky boys? 

Eeeeeeew! Now you don't like him anymore. Great. So you've worked him up only to SMASH his fragile ego like a dinner plate. Now he's crushed. Now he'll hate women and frequent Nudie Bars looking for dancers who remind him of his mother. Then he'll become a closet homosexual forver supressing his desires for hairy butts and veiny Jammies. He'll be miserable!

Good work Ali. It's better you don't talk to him at all.

But, what the heckers. You're a girl. That's your job: to destroy boys' self-confidence. So you stroll up to this little cutie and you say, "Dude. You've got sweet buns. Take me out for some pizza." I guarantee this will work. But if you don't want a date and just attention-- afterall you did say you just want him to notice you-- try the following time-tested tricks. I always am distracted from what I'm doing when a bim does any of the following:

-Cooks bbq ribs wearing only a crotchless apron
-suddenly spills a pitcher of water on her chest
-rattles off all the state capitals while wearing high heel pumps and a bikini
-breakdances
-slams a 360 dunk
-offers to tape all the "good parts" of an R rated movie on Cable for me

Just a few suggestions. Now I know, some of these are not exactly appropriate for your age. Pick what works. Don't have sex. 

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Q55:  Hey Hog. I'm 15 and consider myself to be polite, kind, funny, likeable and interesting. I have lots friends, get along with almost everyone and am generally a happy person. My problem is this; Although I'm very well liked and have a reputation for being "a sweet guy", I am not aware of any girl who has seriously liked me in a long time. It gets annoying because there's a person I really like and it's annoying because I always get tagged with the "sweet guy" thing. We get along well and have great chemistry together and I'm always making her laugh and smile, but I'm sure there's no way she's interested in me. It's really annoying me because I've never liked someone so much before. Just wondering your take on the situation. Thanks.  --Mike

Mike, I was you in High School. And thatís why I never had any dates. I discovered what all boys discover on their way to manhood. Women donít want mates who are polite, kind, funny, likeable, etc. All they are concerned with is F.E.P. (Future Earning Potential.) Iím sorry but this is the world we live in. And the sweet guy stigma sucks. Trust me, Iíve been there. Oh yeah, I used to be really polite. Iíd write bims poems and compliment their smile. Iíd hold the door for them. Iíd pretend not to notice when they farted. Ya know, all that chivalrous stuff. But it didnít net me any action. Thatís when Corporate stepped in. They said, ďLook young Hoggy, we appreciate your approach but your business model is not working. We need to see some bims on the bottom line! A line of bimís bottoms. Bimís on the bottom.Ē You get idea. What Iím saying is, the CEO is your teenage hormones. Listen to Mr. CEO. Call it a paradigm-shift in play. Youíre getting none, so try something else.

Bims want a man with confidence. Think to yourself, ďIf this bim doesnít want meóto hell with heróIíll just spend Saturday Night downloading pictures off the Internet.Ē Wait, that wonít help. Thereís the old adage: Thereís other fish in the sea. And if she thinks her fish donít smell fishyóthen bag yourself another tuna. Donít be too nice to these girls. Theyíre teenagers. They donít know what they want. They go through phases. The mature ones already know about the F.E.P. The starry-eyed ones go for the guys who ride dirt bikes. And NEVER break the one-week rule. If you start talking to a new girl you MUST ask her out within one week or else she will start to think of you like her brother. And women donít want to lock grills with their brothers! (NOTE: If you are from Arkansas, West Virginia, or Southern Kentucky, I apologize. Keep doing what youíre doing.)

Ever wonder why Popeye has exceptionally big forearms?As for this one bim youíve got your eyes on nowódoes she currently have a nub? If sheís dating someone, I say wait your turn like everyone else. Sure you can vulture and snap up her emotional carcass as soon as her relationship diesóbut I would advise against actively interfering. Think about it. Do you really want to get your ass kicked over this? Probably not. If so, you might be in love. If you think youíre in love, may I suggest really visualizing how bad of an ass-kicking youíre going to get. Broken ribs, nose bone slammed into your forehead, knee all bent the wrong wayÖ not worth it. You ainít Popeyeóleave Olive Oil alone until sheís free.

But if sheís not attached, go after her! Be aggressive. You the shiznit and sheís got to know it. Will you show her a good time? Will you be nice to her? Will you treat her with respect? If you answered yes then youíre probably already better than anyone else sheís ever dated. See, sheíd be LUCKY to have you. Unless of course your face looks like a Pizza loaded with toppings. Then um, sorry. Most teenage girls are just too shallow to look past that. Then youíll have to be willing to spend bacon bits on her. But be ready for her to be mean. She might say, ďStop spending money on Flowers, you need to save it for a chemical peel with the Dermatologist.Ē All physical obstacles can be overcome though. Youíll just have to try harder. Thatís the great thing about females. Thatís why you see ugly nubs with super hot bims. Because most bims can look past appearances and right into your wallet. Thank God for that. Think about it. Men are NOT the same way. A bim can have an awesome personality, be funny, sweet, considerate, into sports, caringóbut dudes will still be like, ďUm, XXX is how I like my sexónot the size of my girlís panties.Ē

So what Iím saying is there is hope for you. Keep your cool. Win her over. Donít stalk her. If she says no, date someone else so your stock price will rise. When a bim sees a nub with another bim it makes her want him more. Even if the bim is ugly. ESPECIALLY if the bim is ugly. They start saying, ďWhat does he see in HER?! I would be so much better for him.Ē Try to go somewhere with her in a group. Like an amusement park. Make sure only dorky nubs are going. That way sheíll spend most of her time with you. Get her alone with you. Like make sure the two of you ride in the same rollercoaster car. Buy her cotton candy. Itíll make her start to look at you differently. Plus sheíll see lots of hot guys and couples around and it will give her that Spring Fever where she really wants a boyfriend. So she just might settle for you!

Good luck!


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Q56: I'm getting tired of every day being too similar and my jobs killing me. Iím thinking of turning to a life of crime to make things more interesting. Donít worry Iím not stupid. Iíve got a good education and Iím sure Iíd do well at robbing banks or something. Iím 21, Iíve probably got 40 years left. I donít want to be dying and think, "[Tish] Iím nothing!" Give me some advice Hog. Make it so I look back when Iím on that death bed and smile. ĖAlexander in England

I feel you Alex. But a life of crime is not going to get you what you want. Unless what you want is UBS (Uninvited Butt Sex.) Thatís why Iím not a criminal. Itís not that I have a conscience or a strong set of moral valuesóitís just that Iíve had hemorrhoids and it hurt SOOO bad. And if THAT hurt like hell, I donít even want to imagine what Prisoner Brunoís big bopper would feel like when he wakes me up with a kiss and the good morning sausage. Itís just not worth it.

If you really want to make your mark in this world you need to have a family and raise good children. Thatís your legacy. Thatís the most important thing a person can do in this worldótake care of your family. But if thatís not your style, may I suggest jumping out of the stands at a Soccer match and running across the field bottomless, your grapes flapping in the wind. Hey, it may not be as noble as raising a family but being a good father never got anybodyís face (or dangling body parts) on the news.

If your jobs are killing you, then you need to quit. Do something you like. For instance, I love eatingActually, my busty Asian nurse will have bigger Fortune Cookies. pie. So my dream job is to be a pie-taste-tester. And Iím not just dreaming about this career. Iím going after it! Iíve gone to Pie College, majoring in Apple with a minor in Cherry Strudel. Iíve been accepted to Intern at a prestigious bakery where Iíll learn how to properly taste pie and rate it according to accepted International Pastry Standards. Itís not easy to pursue your dreams--- but what alternative is there? To be unhappy your whole life? Heeeeeeeell no! So Alex, do what you have to in the meantime, but go after your dreams. I donít know your personal aspirations but if it means going to night school, going on auditions, playing the trumpet in crowded transit stations, or fornicating with over-the-hill hookers with prosthetic legs and tube-sock breasts in your quest to be an Adult Film Star--- then do it! Make it happen. Have a goal and donít stop until you conquer Austria, Poland and Russia! Oh wait, I hope THATíS not your dream. Somebody already tried that.

As for your last wishósorry, but nobody smiles on their death bed. Unless of course youíre 90 and in the midst of making love to your busty Asian nurse while eating her twin sisterís pie. Thatís how I want to go. Eating pie.  

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