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Anorexics like Calista Flockhart (Ally McBeal) and Courtney Cox (Friends) make me want to watch Fox shows like World's Most Amazing Video. I contend that the Amazing Video Shows are FIXED!


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Anorexics make me Watch Amazing Video TV Shows 

by  HogWild

Whoop! Whoop! That's the sound of the Police!I admit it. I love those Amazing Video Shows. You know, the ones with the announcer who is like, way to serious. “What you are about to see is a DEADLY car chase. Not just any ordinary pursuit of a criminal, but a DEADLY, possibly LETHAL, not to mention FATAL chase. The driver of the vehicle is a CRAZED WHITE MAN from Alabama. He just saw his wife giving a wet, sloppy French kiss to the Flavor Injector of a black man. He is in a jealous RAGE. But now he’s turned it into ROAD rage! He won’t stop for anyone!”

And I love this stuff. It’s amusing to watch. But you gotta figure at some point their gonna run out of good footage. There are like 15 of these shows on the air. How can their possibly be enough We've got a 211! Call for back up! Then call my Agent! police surveillance tape and home videos to fill up thousands of hours of Great prime-time television? 

Hog gets arrested for accidental arson again. His explosive farts destroyed a Church.

There can’t be. It is my contention that the producers of these shows are getting desperate. I think they’re starting to stage some of these things. Like the show I saw the other night. Nub is driving his ve-HICK-el like 100 miles per hour away from the Coppers. Okay fine. But then all of a sudden, there’s this ramp. And the guy drives up and flies over it! Please, didn’t I see this in an episode of the Dukes of Hazzard?  Then, they’re still in pursuit and up ahead is a family of cute yellow duckies crossing the road. The announcer booms, “Look out for our fine feathered friends! They’re about to become Duck Soup.” Of course both vehicles narrowly miss the ducks. But they show how close the ducks were to roadkill like 300 times in slow motion. Announcer thinks he’s funny, “If he’d had hit those innocent ducklings, not only would the Police be after him, but also the ASPCA!” HA! That’s like not hilarious. And of course I’m always hoping for a tragedy. I’m like, “HIT THE DUCKS! HIT THE DUCKS! Welcome to Darwinism, BITCHES!”


 The Heat is On

But to my dismay, no ducks were harmed. But the final clue that this chase was clearly staged, was when the bad guy plows into this giant fruit stand and watermelons crash everywhere. C’mon now! I’m telling you ma Hogs and Hogettes, do not be fooled! The producers of these shows are in every town, sitting back waiting for a police chase. Then when they finally hear one on the radio, the tapes start rolling and they run ahead of the chase and put obstacles in the way: a ramp, ducklings, a fruit stand complete with angry immigrants. Don’t be bamboozled!


And if they’re not setting up the scene, they’re encouraging it. I understand their predicament. Viewers love to watch this stuff, but there is only so much real video to show. So now, it is my sincerest belief, that they are instigating “Amazing” events that they can broadcast on TV.


They go to College campuses and meet drunken males. “C’mon guys. Don’t you think it’d be totally funny if a bunch of you danced on the roof naked?” The inebriated buffoons buy the idea. And before you know it, a rescue team is there with a ladder and ambulance because “someone” pushed Tommy over the ledge and he’s hanging on for dear life. I’ll tell you who “someone” is! Johnny Depp! That’s right, a stand-in. An assistant producer posing as a trizzed student. He pushes him and the tape rolls. Instant Ratings.

Yes! Raging Ghetto Fires Caught on Tape! I love watching human misery from the comfort of my couch!

Here’s another scenario, that when I saw it, I KNEW it was initiated by the show’s producers because there’s no way it could have possibly happened on its own. A bunch of big-bosomed blonde and brunette bims in bikinis with bodacious butts are in a lake. Suddenly they’re screaming! Whoops. Someone forgot to tell them they were piranhas in the lake! Yeah, “someone.” Someone who took down the warning sign! Plus lured them there knowing they were all menstruating! It’s a sick world we live in. I just watch it on TV.


And I know I’m guilty because I’m encouraging this by tuning in. Ya know what though, I don’t care. I DO love watching it! It’s better than re-runs of that stupid show with the singing anorexic attorney. Or that stupid show with the anorexic bim from Scream. Or that stupid talk show with the anorexic bitch who was married to Mike Tyson. Basically I’m sick of watching anorexics. And TV is supposed to ADD 10 pounds. Holy Hurling! These walking skeletons make me want to change the station and watch Amazing Videos. I bet these bims will be next. On tonight’s episode of The Universe’s Wildest Videos: Ally McBeal’s lungs rip through her emaciated skin! And coming up next, Courtney Cox is accidentally swallowed whole on the set of Rikki Lake!

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