LARRY: Darryl Littlejohn was just indicted for first-degree murder in the killing of Imette St. Guillen, a 24 year graduate student, who was abducted from a SoHo bar and later found bound and gagged in a Brooklyn lot. Her gripping story has captured the attention of this fast paced city and the recent indictment and ensuing trial ensures this story will stay at the forefront of our minds for months to come.

HOG: Months?! Dude, the Yankees start playing in a WEEK!

LARRY: As always with these types of tragedies, we hear the hand wringing of those who wish to cast blame and lay fault to the various individuals who may have contributed to the unfortunate circumstances that took place. So far Darryl Littlejohn has been vilified by the tabloids while his place of employment has come under protest by friends of the victim for their shoddy hiring practices.

HOG: Yeah, when running a business you should make all prospective employees fill out a questionnaire:

1. Why did you leave your last crime scene?

2. If you could improve one area of your personality, would it be the part that goes into a psychopathic rage and rapes women?

3. Please provide 3 personal references of people you have NOT tortured.

LARRY: Others have even gone so far as to blame the young lady herself for not taking the proper precautions after a long night of drinking and reveling.

HOG: That’s sick. Blaming the victim. Nobody deserves to chopped into pieces. Except Kevin Federline.

LARRY: In my opinion we need to go to the heart of the matter and ask the tough question that everyone seems to be avoiding... Where was her fat friend?

HOG: HA HA HA HA!!!

LARRY: If her fat friend had been doing her job and c0ckblocking like she should have been, this terrible tragedy could have been averted. For so long, women have been taking the fat friend for granted and not appreciating the vital role they play when going out and partying.

HOG: You’re 100% right. Fat Friend keeps you safe. If not for the Fat Friend, every young woman in America would be running around with a huge cold sore on her forehead.

LARRY: Much of that can be attributed to the accessibility of fat girl friends in American society for so long. Up until the mid 1990's, there were approximately 2.5 fat girl friends for every female circle of friends. The late 1990's and early 21^st century ushered in a new era in weight loss and dieting. With the advent of the low carb diet, the South Beach Diet, Trim-Spa and Curves, the ratio of fat-friend to hot-friend has closed dropping to a mere .86 for every female circle of friends.

HOG: Trim-Spa is responsible for Imette St. Guillen’s death! Her family should sue Anna Nicole Smith!

LARRY: The fat girl was more likely to stay sober, watch the bags and protect her drunk, hot girl friend from the bar predators. Fat girls no longer exist in such abundance. They have lost weight, went shopping and gotten highlights and are now getting inebriated from all the free drinks guys are now plying them with.

HOG: I don’t blame these formerly big-boned bims. Imagine if you were the Designated Driver EVERY night. Starts to get lame. Fat Friend said “F%^& that!”

LARRY: We have reached a crisis stage here in America where the Fat Friend is no longer the safe buffer for females going out to get drunk, as she used to be. Not only are females becoming more and more victimized, but Last Call is now becoming more and more competitive. Those Fat Friends who weren't doing the job of protecting their Hot Friends were great one night stand candidates for desperate guys after 9 cocktails and a long night of rejections.

Now with these girls becoming hot, guys like me are being forced more frequently to iron, shave and use Tic-Tacs as the general level of competition has gone up.

HOG: And THIS… is the REAL tragedy here.

LARRY: No longer is the promise of Twinkies in my cupboard sufficient enough to lure these chicks home, as I'm now forced to spend money on Ecstasy, coke or weed to entice these hot girls back to the apartment.

HOG: Fat Friend is now all about a different type of cream-filled Twinkie.

LARRY: If any good can come from the death of Imette St. Guillen it should be the call to bring back the Fat Friend.

HOG: Fatty Fatty Doo! Where are you?! We can’t have a dance club without you! (That’s to the tune of the Scooby Doo theme song.)

LARRY: Ladies, we need less treadmills, Pilates and diets and more Haagen-Dazs, Domino's and the WE Network. Put on those pounds as a reminder to hot-drunk-whores everywhere...the Fat Friend you embrace today, could be the friend that saves your life tomorrow. Or at least give me a sloppy BJ after last call.

HOG: Larry, I understand how difficult this whole ordeal has been on running your game. But I’m calling for a New World Order! Fat Friend is of the past! We need a new protection for our Nation of Hot Drunk Bims! Forget Fat Friend! Introducing...

Bitchy Fag Friend! Get too close to his Fag Hag and he will slap you with a powerfully witty insult! He may be wearing eyeliner, but Bitchy Fag Friend pumps iron in the gym 5 times a week and has on the shiny tight shirt to prove it!