Review of Gladiator with Russell Crowe

by  HogWild

Since I've already hit you up with the Gladiator Parody, FAGIATOR, you need to get the HogWild review. So here it is. A'ight?!!

Gladiator was not all that. Truthfully, I'd rather have watched an episode of Xena.

The special effects were awesome. They'll win Oscars. The music, I thought, contrary to others, was great. But the story was just blah.

They attempted to create a 3 dimensional bad guy. To do that is tough. Because all that happened was that the bad guy wasn't bad enough. He was just a whiny little bitch.

played a whiny little bitch

It just didn't work the way I think they wanted it to. The movie dragged on. The action scenes were excellent, the re-creation of Rome was amazing, but the story left me feeling bored.   Plus, what the hell, Maximus was supposed to be from Spain yet he had an Australian accent! Huh?

And the way they TEASED us! No boobies. But there was this one bim who was fine. She was trying to get her ho on with Maximus. But Max was all like, “I have a wife and kids, blah blah blah.” Too bad because she looked like she’d be a good partner in a Roman LXIX.  (That’s 69 in Roman Numerals you nubs!)

But then we had another chance to see her in only a Victoria’s Secret see-thru Toga. Her brother. Her brother who became Emperor was like a FREAK and wanted to doink his sister. But sadly we never got to see some sick incest rape scenes. I mean, if it works for the Brady Bunch . . .

The only weak part visually was the Tiger scene. The Gladiators must fight off wild tigers in the Coliseum. So they like used computer-generated Tony the Tiger lookin’ beasts. Other than that, it was impeccable. But the main drawback for me was the story. It made me yawn until I swallowed mosquitoes and 3 tons of plankton. 

Overall there was just way too much beefcake and not enough boobies. So in conclusion of my thesis.

Gladiator = $8 and boring and 3 hours of half naked men

Xena = FREE, can watch it on mute, many half naked bims

That's my 1 1/2 cents.

Not a touch choice. Gladiator needed more scenes like this from Xena, Warrior Dyke.