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Britney Spears hosts the American Music Awards. Jennifer Lopez can't dance. Jessica Simpson swallows the cast of Friends. See the Funny Pictures!


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Britney Biterz at the American Music Awards

Hi everyone. I'm your host. Breasty Spears.

I didn't even want to watch this crap. Another stupid awards show. Another chance for the Industry to congratulate itself for force-feeding the same sugar-coated drek down our throats by re-wrapping it in a new scantily-clad package. But I had to bring you the HogWild perspective. Plus Britney was hosting. I mean, that alone is material for weeks!  
But she's a shy girl . . .She wasn't half as bad as I thought she'd be-- especially when she was 90% naked. In case you haven't noticed this yet-- DAMN she's hot! And she's all proud to be a slut too. They had this little skit where her co-host L.L. Bean was dissing her outfit as grandma-like. Personally, I thought what she had on to start the show was nice. She looked respectable but it still showed off her curves. Damn, if my Grandma-ma looked like THAT . . . yeah I'd be calling more often. BOOTY CALL! 

Eeew. Anyway so Britney gets all offended and RIPS OFF HER DRESS! What a little ho! What a bad girl! Daddy needs to give her a spanking. Actually, she needs to spank Daddy. Hey, I didn't create this sick world we live in. I just vomit on it. 


I'd like to stuff an apple in that pig.So I noticed that everyone these days is a Britney biter. Why is everyone trying to be the bootleg Britney? Just bring your own tish! First there's Christina Aguilera. She actually has talent. Girl can sing. But now she's wearing the patented Britney Belly shirts and dying her hair and all that. Bogus. Then there's Jessica Simpson. Same deal. Damn that bim has a big mouth! Ever see her sing? I swear she could swallow small rodents whole. She's like a snake. No jaw bones. Yeah, that could be part of her act! She can sing and then swallow rats and guinea pigs! We can watch as the rodents squirm through her body and down into her tail. Jessica got a big mouth. I bet that's how she got her record deal. Most bims just offer oral services for the main record producer. Jessica offered her talented tonsils to the producer, the sound engineer, the label executive, and the janitor-- all at once! NizASTY!


That's how MY stomach looks. Under the 14 layers of fat.

And then there's the newest of the Britney Biterz, Jennifer Lopez. And this is sad. J-Lo had her own thing going. She had props on her own. Now she has to go around and be Britney Spheres. She's the Ghetto Britney. You know how they have Barbie and then Black Barbie? She's Rican Barbie. C'mon J-Lo do ya own thing. She came out in a Britney outfit. Ya know those low-riding hip-huggers. Damn, bim got some big hips! I knew she had some back pockets but girl got some hips too! I bet she could give birth to overweight triplets without breaking a sweat.

I like J-Lo though. I do. I think she's fine. In that kissing-under-the-El-then-doinking-in-a-Bronx-stairwell-kind-of-way. I always thought she'd be a hot lover. Ya know with "the skillz." The SEX skillz. But after seeing her dance on the American Music Awards . . . I don't think so. Now I consulted my Stereotype Handbook™ and on page 198 it says: "Latinos possess a natural rhythm. They can all dance and keep a beat." I had to cross that page out after seeing Lopez. Bim is strictly arm-wear. Don't try to bring her to a club. Oh my God she was all stiff. She could not move. She danced like the Tin Man. Like one rusty-ass arm swinging one way, leg dangling the other. It was UGLY.J-Lo rented Janet Jackson's gay dancers.

  Imagine her in bed. She's spazzing out, messing it all up. Movin' all jerky and unpredictable. Liable to convulse and break off your jammy. Damn. That's why they loaded up her show with back-up dancers. In fact, her whole show looked like a bootleg Janet Jackson production. She even used Janet's gay black dancers. Same exact nubs. 


Janet! She started it all.Yeah gotta give props to Janet Jackson. She started this whole tight body thing. The sexy female six-pack. She was before Britney and the Biterz. She's the real pioneer of it. Too bad she looks all busted up now. She looks like the love-child of Diana Ross and a Martian. It's that Jackson plastic nose. With all that money you'd think she could buy a better nose. One that doesn't look like it's made out of clay. Looks like it belongs on a squirrel, not a human being.


Like Devo says, "WHIP IT!"This was definitely one of the better award shows I've seen in a while. Especially when Britney performed "Stronger." Couldn't make out a damn word she was lip-synching, but ya gotta love when she whips her hair around. I don't what it is about a blonde whipping that long hair around but it's like, "Damn baby. You're so hot. Come back to my trailer park. We'll rock it off the cement blocks, girl. C'mon I got Cigarettes and Wrestling on Pay Per View."




So L.L. Cool J was the co-host. He is such a clown. Nub came out in a different outfit for every segment. What a girl. I like him though. He's down to earth. He's real. His last album was doody, but he's funny. I was just hoping he'd battle that punk Lil' Bow Wow. Lil' Bow Wow is like the 10 year old nephew  of Snoop Dogg. They both suck. When presenting, Lil' Bow Wow starts rapping for no reason. I was dying for L.L. to come out from backstage, grab the mic and bust a lyrical cap in that pre-schooler's ass. L.L. still has it. He could've broke it down lovely. Or better yet, Lil' Bow Wow should've been forced to scrap with that annoying Lil' Country Singer. That 9 year old honkey with the big beaver teeth. Midget wrestling. That's where the ratings are at. 





My favorite performance was Outkast. Those nubs are ludicrous! Plain retarded. Totally awesome. They know how to put on a show. Good songs and showmanship. But clearly the star of the show was the last living Rock Stars-- Aerosmith. They rule. But when I saw Steven Tyler come out I was like, "Whoa." Dude looks like a Lady! Even HE was biting Britney with his tight pants, cut-off shirt, and hair-whipping!


If you feed her bread she'll only come back!The worst performance of the night was not even close. I almost feel sorry for her. Pink. She's this white girl who "sings Black." R & B stuff. I actually like her songs. But on the show she was all off-key. She's gotta have talent because she's not that hot. You can excuse these hotty-boom-bodies who can't sing because it's still entertaining to watch their videos on mute. But she had no excuse! Sounded like a pigeon with a nail through its head.



But her part was only the SECOND worst part of the show. The absolute worst was Kid Rock's tribute to his recently-deceased partner, Joe C, who happened to be a really ugly midget. They set it up as a tribute to all the music greats who have passed recently. I mean they listed music LEGENDS and then had the audacity to put Joe C. IN that list! It was like, "We'd like to pay tribute to Elvis Presley, John Lennon, and Joe C." WHAT?! That fat-ass midget never even had a last name! How the hell did he get in that list?! John Lennon is turning in his grave! Joe C. is turning in his shoebox.


Seriously though, Rest in Peace, Joe. Hopefully Debbie Gibson will meet you soon. Oh, excuse me DEBORAH. Please. For some unknown reason she was a presenter at the Awards. Man she was fine in 1988. But in 2001, I wouldn't doink her with a STOLEN jammy. I don't know what happened to her. She needs to stay hidden. Just stay at home and wait for VH-1 to call. 


William Shatner was there too. Why? He was there to announce the Internet Voting Award. Whatever. So now he's the Spokesman for the Internet? Just because he did those corny Priceline commercials? Please. Nub is mad old. He looks like my grandma. The dead one. This is a MUSIC show. Supposed to be young and hip. How about that Scully bim from X-Files? Or that dorky dude from 3rd Rock?


He looks like he should fly away on a broom.One highlight of the show was Marilyn Manson. I'm not a huge fan but I appreciate what he's trying to do. At least he's TRYING! All these other so-called Modern Rock starts just bitch and moan and pull 3 chords. Manson has a show. Rock and Roll is supposed be controversial and edgy. Not a PMS crying session. Sure Creed is great. But how long can I listen to the sounds of Whales moaning and tish. Give me some raw, off-the-edge, suicidal-homicidal-pull-your-panties-down-at-your-recital tish! Manson doesn't give a. He's fun to watch.




The Buttstink Boys.

But what's more fun to watch are the Buttstreak Boys. The Backslut Boys. The Backstain Boys. I can't believe they beat N'Sync for best Pop/Rock band! DISS! It almost started a cat-fight. God I just want to see Justin Timberlake get his assed kicked. Then he'll get all mad and remake that New Kids on the Block song, "Hangin' Tough." I gotta prop N'Sync. They hung around a lot longer than I ever thought they would. I figured they'd run out of 12 year old girls to buy their CDs. Guess not. But the Backslut Boys are truly queer. They're like the Village People without the cool costumes. 


I wanna see an award show with some real categories:
Sweetest Ass
The nominees are:
Britney Spears
Jennifer Lopez
Justin Timberlake

Trashiest of the White Trash
Kid Rock

Dumbest Singer
Faith Hill
Mariah Carey

Richest Black Guy that Still Intimidates Suburban White Folks
Dr. Dre
Puff Daddy
Masta P


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