JUSTIN: This just in... the LPGA has decided to implement a drug-testing program in 2008. This is a shocking turn of events. When was this decided? Did some woman show up at a tour event looking like Barry Bonds in a dress or was something it as simple as Annika Sorenstam’s balls falling out of her skirt while she teed off?

HOG: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What’s the LPGA? Just kidding. I love watching Lady-Golf. Nothing gets my competitive juices flowing more than seeing my women who look like my mom’s friends walking around.

NOTE: Except for Michelle Wie. She is scheduled to be legally hot October 11, 2007.

JUSTIN: LPGA commissioner Carolyn Bivens said she has no knowledge of drug use among tour players, but the tour still plans to start checking. This is a good idea, especially when the only thing that the sport has going for it is short skirts and semi-hot players. You don’t want to mess things up with back acne and muscles.

HOG: Back acne and muscles does wonders for the popularity of ANY sport! Just check out the rise in attendance at the WNBA.

JUSTIN: And the LPGA has had to cancel some of its long-standing tournaments dues to scheduling conflicts.

HOG: What the hell are you talking about? They canceled some tournaments? Did anyone notice? Does anyone care if they cancel the Tennessee Tampax Invitational?

JUSTIN: The LPGA is proud that they've instituted drug testing and they've noted that they've done it while the men have not. What? That’s because there isn’t anyone in the PGA actually USING steroids. I mean have you seen Phil Mickelson and John Daly? Those guys have bigger boobs than most of the women in LPGA!

HOG: Ah ha! See, the men ARE using illegal hormones! Estrogen!

JUSTIN: Specifics of the testing plan will be worked up over the next six to nine months. The tour plans to announce the program details, including testing methods and banned substances, in the second half of the 2007 season. The early word though is that players will have the option to either sit or stand when peeing into a cup.

HOG: HA HA HA!!!

Look, the only drug that could help golfers is caffeine. They need it to stay awake and so do the viewers.

Actually golfing is really frustrating. I like smacking balls around as much as the next bulldog dyke, but when it comes to aiming towards a hole, I’m as clueless as a virgin on prom night.

JUSTIN: Annika Sorenstam, the top-ranked women's player, said she had no problem with the decision, yet called it "sad that we have to have testing." Tear. Sniff sniff. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry but seeing Annika so upset just gets me all misty. (Me holding up a finger to signal that I need a minute.)

HOG: I don’t know what you have against Annika Skywalker. A woman doesn’t have to meet our cultural standards for femininity to have value as an athlete or a person. Why is she a bad person, just because she doesn’t wear lipstick to play golf? Because she works out a little bit? Because she shaves her face?

Annika Sorenstampede is attractive in her own way. She is driven to be the best at her job and she is a fierce-looking competitor.

In addition, Annika Coldsorenstam is Swedish. And Swedish women do not wear much make-up because their culture prizes natural beauties such as great rivers, great mountains, an in Annicanine’s case… Great Danes.

JUSTIN: LPGA player Cristie Kerr said that testing would protect "the honor of the game." Of course there will still be NO ONE watching this honorable game, but that’s beside the point. Hog, you’re always coming up with great ideas to make certain sports more watchable... what would you suggest for the LPGA?

HOG: Thank you. I thought you’d never ask! All my life I’ve been waiting for someone to ask me how to improve the sport of professional chick golf. Here goes…

THINGS TO REMOVE FROM CHICK GOLF:

* Panties

* Bras

THINGS TO ADD TO CHICK GOLF:

* Panties back on Annika Sorenstam

* Bra back Annika Sorenstam

* A large bulky winter coat and paper bag on the head of Annika Sorenstam

Okay seriously, they should make the sport more interesting to watch by adding defense! This is one of the few sports where it’s just you against a hole in the ground.

DEFENSE

* When you tee off… another chick golfer will run out and fly into the air to try to block your shot, much like a football player blocking a field goal attempt.

You might think this would hurt, but if the golf ball hits the girl in the face it will probably improve her looks.

MIDGETS

* The involvement of midgets can improve anything.

Drunken midgets will be dancing Russian Bolshevik style around every hole. You need to get the ball past them and into the hole. Kinda like mini-golf. But don’t say mini around the midgets or they will punch you right in the v@gina.

NOTE: Punching in the v@gina is actually a common lesb!an activity enjoyed by Annikunt Sorenstam.

GUNS

* The involvement of guns can improve anything.

While your ball is in the air, other golfers can attempt to shoot your ball out of the sky with their shotgun. But of course the golfers must be on cross-country skis while shooting.

WHITE T-SHIRTS

Every player must adhere to the new strict dress code of wearing a white t-shirt and a skirt.

NOTE: From now on, tournaments will only take place in the rain.

PASTA

While a player is lining up a shot, the crowd may throw handfuls of soft and fully-cooked Rigatoni at players. (No sauce, grated cheese optional.)