Sports Humor: Athletes VS. Strippers. Strippers Win Again! Duke Coach Mike Pressler. Pictures. Twisted Humor. 
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Athletes Vs. Strippers
: Strippers Win Again!

Serious Sports + Seriously Twisted Humor

Justin Sanders with HogWild

JUSTIN: On a serious note, after the Duke Lacrosse team had their season cancelled because of rape allegations, I think itís time once and for all for everyone to recognize that Strippers and Athletes just donít mix! 

HOG: Aw! But watching ugly athletes gets seduced by big breasted women is the only reason I WATCH the WNBA!

JUSTIN: Think about it, strippers get naked and party for a living and most mortal men just arenít ready for that kind of action.  They get drunk, start making rash decisions and the next thing you know somebody takes it too far and charges are made.

It makes no sense to me, I mean if youíre a lacrosse player on a nationally ranked team why canít you just chase campus p*ssy? 

HOG: Um, not sure here, but do Lacrosse players get groupies? I mean, sure itís a sport and all, but uh, after youíre the star of your Division I Lacrosse Team usually your next move is to graduate and teach dodgeball to 5th graders.

JUSTIN: From what Iíve gathered from Girls Gone Wild, college girls are much cheaper (to talk to) and just as willing to do freaky things when they get drunk.  While strippers on the other just want to take as much of your money as possible and usually donít want anything to do with you.  

HOG: What! Justin! Iím surprised at you! Generalizing like that! To say Strippers are only after a manís money. To be fair, you should replace the word ďStrippersĒ with ďWomen.Ē

Ha Ha! Just kidding. My woman knows I have no money. Either that or she really believes the story I told her about being the heir to billion dollar fortune with the eccentric habit of never buying new clothes and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner.

JUSTIN: Things these days are so out of control at Duke that Coach Mike Pressler resigned his position as the Lacrosse coach.  Which raises the question, are college coaches responsible for their players actions? 

HOG: Yes. Lacrosse coaches are the moral compass of our society. It is the duty of Lacrosse coaches everywhere to teach ethics and guide our youth away from drugs, alcohol, and pre-marital happiness Ė I mean, sex.

JUSTIN: If thatís true, if I were a coach every year Iíd give out the same speech to my players:

ďAlright guys huddle up. As a player at the University of Justin you have a responsibility to your peers because anything you do can and will affect everyone on this team.  With that in mind, when you go out and party I want you to be aware of a couple of things.

"Number one: Strippers are bad news! 

"Theyíre expensive, a lot of them do drugs that will get you banned from team sports and if youíre not careful you might catch an S.T.D.  

"Donít get me wrong, there are a lot of girls out there who are just stripping to pay for college but those girls will never come home with you or give you a happy ending in the Champagne room.          

"Number two: If you do hook up with a female while you are playing on this team, remember that NO means NO.  It doesnít mean maybe, or just stick the tip in... it means if you donít want to go to jail, stop what youíre doing and immediately go home and jerk off. 

"And lastly: If any of you do anything to get me fired or have our season cancelled I will hunt you down, kill your parents and rape your pets.  Now everyone gather around so we can pray for victory."

HOG: Wow! So University of Justin is a Catholic institution. You know whatís weird? Your speech is very similar to the lesson we received from our Sex Ed. instructor/gym teacher in 8th grade. Except he didnít threaten to rape my hamster. I think you should keep your depraved sexual fantasies between you and your priest.

Also, when a girl says no, it IS okay to just stick the tip in. Itís like a free sample.

 

NOTE: That is a joke. And an ignorant one. No means no! For guys who donít understand this conceptÖ I will send Bruno the 250 pound Aggressively Gay Thug to your room. And as he feeds you alcohol and compliments, he will grab your jammy. Then you say, ďNO!Ē Then he says, ďCímon Iíll just give you a Free Sample.Ē Aaaaah, itís not the same when YOU are the one getting the Free Sample up in your virgin butt!

JUSTIN: And now we know how HogWild lost his virginity. 

Sure that speech was a little bit over the top, but just look at the kind of trouble that strippers and athletes have gotten into over the past couple of years.  For example, look what happened on the Love Boat when the Minnesota Vikings hired a bunch of strippers and decided to have an 0rgy on Lake Minnetonka

HOG: Whoa! I didnít hear about that! Hey, if youíre a woman and you agree to go on boat with a bunch of VikingsÖ what do you THINK is going to happen? A Shuffleboard tournament?

JUSTIN: Sure it started out great and t!tties were bouncing all over the place but once again when strippers and athletes get together, bad things happen.  People were having sex in the captainís chair, shooting dice on the poop deck and thatís just the PG version of this story! 

HOG: When you say ďshooting dice on the poop deckĒÖ do you mean some football player was giving a girl the "snake eye" and hit craps? Aw! Gross! Thatís niZasty!!

JUSTIN: Werenít these the same athletes that were thanking God for touchdowns the week before on National Television?  Well what the hell happened between now and then?  Strippers! Thatís what. 

Strippers and athletes mix about as well as Vodka and Red Bull.  Sure the night starts out great and everyoneís full of energy but sooner or later things are destined to get out of control.

HOG: I didnít know that Vodka and Red Bull was dangerous! I thought it was just a laxative.

JUSTIN:  It does tend to make the @ssholes come out...

Coaches arenít exempt to the mania caused by strippers either. 

Take former Alabama Coach Mike Price who went to a strip club with his players, took a stripper back to his hotel room and then left his credit card lying around while he took a shower. 

Not only did the stripper order one of everything from the room service menu, but as it turns but the card was funded by the University of AlabamaOops. 

Iím sure that expense report was fun to go over with the Dean. Needless to say, they fired his dumb ass.

HOG: HA HA HA!

DEAN: What is this expense? Champagne, Bambi and Candi to your room at 2 A.M.

COACH: Uh, see, it was to celebrate. A nice venison dinner with wine and dessert. Um. Okay, Iíll clear my desk.

JUSTIN: Even high school kids arenít immune to the urge to see big big t!tties. 

The members of a Massapequa New York high school baseball team recently got in trouble for going to a strip club during a trip to Florida.  Granted, the school is known to have sent a lot of players to the Major Leagues so those kids probably needed to be trained in stripper etiquette, but the coaches were still fired because they were responsible for the actions of their players.

HOG: Throughout history, man has been toppled by titillating tricks with tantalizingly big tops.

Of course we all know the most recent examples involving Bill Clinton and Gandhi. But back in the day:

* Confucius was confounded by a Chinese woman with extra large won tons.

* Another great philosopher, Socrates, swallowed a poison pill after seeing the bill from the stripper Athena.

* After failing to pay up, Abraham Lincoln was shot in the back of the head by a pimp.

And the most famous example:

* Christopher Columbus wanted to prove the world was not flat, but round like a nice big booby. So he sailed to the New World in search of an Indian stripper named Spice.

JUSTIN: Obviously there are no easy answers to this problem and maybe strippers and athletes are attracted to each other because they have so much in common.  I mean theyíre both seen as pieces of meat that are expected to perform on command by rich white men. 

HOG: Whoa! Whoa! Last time I checked, Clevelandís Crazy Stallion Saloonís biggest customer was the NBA Playersí Association.

Strippers bring all races together. Itís just like the great Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. proclaimed: ďI have a wet dream!Ē

JUSTIN: But if you ask me, The X Factor in this relationship has always been about respect!

Regardless of whether youíre expected to score touchdowns or shake your ass in somebodyís face, everyone wants to be respected and once that respect is lost then feelings get hurt and charges tend to be pressed. 

HOG: Yes. You are 100% right. PLEASE! GENTLEMEN! When a woman has just twirled her tassels for 30 minutes, be considerate. Ice down her nipples.

And after doing the Touchdown Dance in her v*gina, donít run out of the room like the hotel is on fire.

Be polite. Ask her for her name. Now, you 2 donít have to become Top 8 buddies on MySpace or anything, but a phone call would be nice. If only to avoid litigation. Oh, and always keep your receipts. Away from your wife.


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Sports Humor: Athletes VS. Strippers. Strippers Win Again! Duke Coach Mike Pressler. Pictures. Twisted Humor. 
HOGWILD.NET  expert dating advice. helpful and hilarious videos!

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