It's school time again!

You're probably feeling excited to get back to the rigid structure, discipline, and math problems that you missed out on while you were trapped outside in the sun all summer.

If you're going back to the same school you are very lucky! Because everyone will remember you and your reputation as the school ______. Fill in the blank with any 1 of the following:

slut
poor kid
idiot
punching bag
 

If you're going to a new school, then you may be nervous because the new kids may not know to call you by your nickname: pimple-t!ts.

Now you're going to have to prove yourself all over again. You have to make all new friends. But don't worry! You did it before and you can do it again! And the good thing is, after a summer of practicing, you're still great at giving head!

See you in "Stairway B!"

If you're not the school slut, you still have a chance to make real friends. You can buy your friends, or give them the answers to the test, or be really good at football.

If you don't make any friends that's okay, too. Because Mr. Rosen would love to have you clean his erasers during your lunch period. Teachers are really easy to be friends with because think about it... the reason they teach is because they want revenge on all the kids who were mean to them in school. Now they can be mean to those kids that remind them of their past and get paid for it!

Making friends doesn't matter. Let's be honest. In 15 years you won't ever see these people again. Do you really think you'll end up living next to Smelly Josh or Tattle-tale Tina? No. Unless you're incarcerated you'll probably never see these freaks ever again!

DID YOU KNOW? To eat healthier, you'd be better off skipping that school lunch and instead eating the Styrofoam tray it's served on!

*** The First Day ***

Most teachers kick off the school year by introducing themselves and talking about all of the exciting things you'll be learning this year. For teachers, this is called "slacking off." Expect many slacking off days this year such as the day before any major holiday, the day after the teacher's birthday, and the last 17 days of school.

Some teachers will give you the wonderful opportunity to stand up in front of the entire class to introduce yourself! This would be a great time to practice a visualization technique to quickly soften your boner. This will also be useful when you want to extend your first meeting with the school slut.

When introducing yourself, be sure to rattle off a comprehensive list of all your academic accomplishments. Be brief when describing your summer vacation. If you won a Silver Medal for Gymnastics at the Olympics, don't mention it. Bragging is pathetic when you came in 2nd.

Teachers will often go over the classroom rules. Remember these are just SOME of the rules. For example, here are some other classroom rules that teachers usually don't mention:

No masturbating under the desk. (This is a variation of the rule: If you didn't bring 1 for everybody, you can't play with it.)

No stabbing below the belt.

Take turns... with the school slut.

You might already know a lot of people in your classes on the first day. But it's a great day to make a new friend... especially a kid who is new to the school. You never know, he might have access to good pot!

Feeling Good on Day One

The most important thing about your first day of school is what you are wearing. Everyone will be wearing their coolest new clothes. Even the retarded kids will be wearing their new Velcro sneakers and shiny helmets.

NOTE TO PEOPLE WHO JUST WENT OOOOH: Shut the f*ck up. If I ever have a kid who is retarded, you'd better believe I'm buying him a new shiny helmet for the 1st day of school! And I refuse to give him that standard "bowl" hair cut. My retarded child will be 1st ever with cool clothes and a Mohawk.

On the 1st day, it's also important to smell your best. The rest of the year you can be your normal un-bathed self. So this means:

White boys --> use shampoo to de-grease your hair

Black boys -->  trim your wolverine fingernails

Latino boys --> easy on the cologne today

Tips for a fantastic first day of school:

• Get enough sleep. A great way to get peaceful sleep is to sit in the back row of your social studies class.
• Try your best. Because in the "real world" people who try really hard are always rewarded over those who simply have influential friends or family members.
• Develop good work habits. Never wait until the last minute to copy Gary's homework.
• If you don't understand something, ask the teacher. That way the entire class will ALSO learn how much of an idiot you are.