Baseball's Barry Bonds Breaks Home Run Record, Slides into Jessica Alba. HOGWILD.NET  expert dating advice. helpful and hilarious videos! Baseball. Barry Bonds.

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Baseball's Barry Bonds Breaks Home Run Record, Slides into Jessica Alba

Barry Bonds Home Run

Baseball Jokes. Funny Pictures.

by Justin Sanders with HogWild

JUSTIN: You know why am I so excited about the new baseball season?

HOG: Because you really think your Texas Rangers have a chance to come in 3rd place?

JUSTIN: Third place?  This coming from a New York Mets fan is hilarious.  No I am excited because this may be our last chance to see one of the most controversial (and possibly the best) player ever to play the game.  

HOG: Dude, what the hell are you talking about?! We can still see that player. He’s frozen in a lab somewhere in Massachusetts. Ted Williams rules.

JUSTIN: If only the Rangers could thaw him and stick him in right field we might have a chance!  You may not like Barry Bonds but you have to appreciate everything he’s brought to the game of baseball. 

He enters this season with 708 home runs, just 7 shy of passing Babe Ruth --  a man who Bonds has always resented because he never had to play against black players. 

HOG: Whatever. Ruth also never had to play against Latinos and Asians. What’s Bonds trying to say?

Yes, it’s true that black players were not allowed in the Major Leagues. That was wrong. But the entire country had a policy of segregation. Babe Ruth had no say in the matter. Today, midgets are not allowed in Major League Baseball. (Not a joke!)

Maybe in the year 2087 they will finally allow Little People to play and then some idiot will say, Bonds wouldn’t have been so great if he had to hit against dwarf pitchers.

And women are also not allowed in the Major Leagues. One day they will permit bims in baseball... so should we put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds because he never had to face a slider from a female? Though, personally, I prefer women who toss spitballs.

JUSTIN: The day we have chicks and midgets playing baseball is the day that the Rangers thaw out Ted Williams and win the pennant.  Still though, Ruth deserves credit because he never played in the glorified Little League parks that the MLB plays in today.  He never took steroids, never took amphetamines (greenies), and constantly played hung over. Babe Ruth was the Homer Simpson of his generation. 

Homer Simpson

HOG: Man, that softball episode of The Simpsons was the best ever. But Babe wasn’t Homer. Homer is incompetent. Babe was just fat. If Babe Ruth was a cartoon character, I think he’d be Bugs Bunny. He was so good, the guy could come out of the dugout in a dress and hit a grand slam. Okay, so he was talented like Bug Bunny but looked more like Porky Pig.

JUSTIN: I do empathize with Barry Bonds though I mean every day he comes to the park and is hounded by dozens of reporters who continue to ask him if he ever took steroids when he’s repeatedly been tested and tells them that the answer is no.  Imagine if that happened at your job?  Can you imagine if you worked at Kentucky Fried Chicken every day and having everyone continue to ask you what the secret recipe was? 

HOG: Dude, everyone knows that both Barry Bonds and fast food chicken are pumped full of steroids.

JUSTIN: But did Bonds ever use steroids?  Who knows, perhaps we’ll never know but you have to admit that it’s a possibility.   After all how many athletes do you know that are still at the top of their game at the age of 41 and have grown roughly 3 hat sizes in the past 10 years?  These days he looks like a human bobble head when he rounds the bases.

HOG: I might be the only person in the world... but I really don’t think Bonds takes steroids.

Look at his body. It’s not built like a a guy on steroids. I’ve been watching some old film and I’m fairly certain Bonds is not on steroids, but rather, he is a cyborg.

Half man. Half robot.

If Commissioner Bud Selig would only answer my letters requesting just ONE opportunity to peel back the skin on Barry’s face… it would reveal his metal endoskeleton and laser red eyes.

Barry Bonds is here to reshape the Future by changing the Past. Bonds feels no pity. No pain. No fear. He is unstoppable. And he will kill Sarah Connor.

JUSTIN: The thing I will miss most after Barry Bonds has retired will have to be his quotes to the press! Here are a few of the gems that I dug up…

"I think that's been my only downfall in all of this. I never let people know me. I just wanted to do my job and get the [expletive] out."

I’d love to see someone say this in an interview for a job! 

BOSS: “Justin tell us what you would consider some of your weaknesses.”

ME: “I never really let people know me.  I just do my job and get the f*ck out!  You feel me?” 

HOG: Barry Bonds totally enjoys the spotlight. If he didn’t, he would be like Derek Jeter. Just give brief cliché answers to the press and be as boring as possible so he is left alone to go out at night and turn “double-plays” with Jessica Alba and Vida Guerra.

Jessica Alba

JUSTIN: If I was Derek Jeter that would be the only thing I’d ever say in an interview. 

REPORTER: “Derek you we’re 0-3 and had three errors tonight.”

ME: “Did I mention that I’ve had sex with Jessica Alba? Because I have. Next question.”

More Bonds: "The game (isn't) fun anymore. I'm tired of all of the crap going on. I want to play this year out, hopefully win, and once the season is over, go home and be with my family. Maybe then everybody can just forget about me.”

Maybe if he had slept with Jessica Alba he might have lightened up a little bit and had more fun playing baseball.

HOG: Baseball fans are stat nerds. Nobody will ever forget Bonds because he is at the top of the home run list. If he never wanted the Fame, he should have tried to break the all-time record for Doubles instead.

JUSTIN: More Bonds: "I've never cared about records anyway, so what difference does it make? Right now, I'm telling you, I don't even want to play next year. Baseball is a fun sport. But I'm not having fun." 

Really Barry?  Then why keep playing?  The Giants have about as much chance of winning the World Series as the Jets have of winning the Super Bowl.

HOG: J-E-T-S! JETS JETS JETS! My NY Jets always have a chance to win the Super Bowl before the season starts! It’s just once the games are played that they struggle.

JUSTIN: I may not like Bond’s attitude, but he’s baseball's version of Kanye West.  You may think he’s an arrogant prick but you have to admit that he’s talented. 

HOG: Wow. That’s a great analogy. I’m impressed. I didn’t even think you knew who Kanye West was. You’re such a sports freak, I thought you’d think “Kanye West” was a new division in the NBA.

JUSTIN: “Hey I ain't sayin’ he’s a Gold Digga, I’m just saying he ain't hanging with no broke…guys.” 

Just look at Barry’s stats and tell me that he’s not the best baseball player in history.

Other players may have been more charismatic but it’s hard to argue with 7 MVP awards, 13 All-Star appearances, 8 gold gloves, 73 home runs in one season, the all-time major league walk leader, a lifetime .300 average and 506 stolen bases.  Christ, these stats would be hard to duplicate on a Playstation much less by another athlete.

HOG: Yes, they would be hard to duplicate. But not… impossible.

Because, well, not to brag, but after creating a Playstation custom league and modifying my player attributes to 100 points for stamina, power, and speed... I am currently at 3,004 home runs for my 145 game career.

JUSTIN: Whew.  I thought you were going to start digging up all of your old T-ball stats for a second there.

HOG: And a note to Barry Bonds: I DO play against black players, Latinos, Asians AND unlike YOU, I also play against Martians, a man with a dragon’s tail, and players loosely based on My Top 8 friends on MySpace.

And, I too, must deal with constant questions by the press. Mainly my girlfriend pressing me with questions like, “When are you going to stop play that stupid game and take me out?” and “Can you PLEASE put down the controller and take a shower?”

JUSTIN: FYI Ladies: You know what makes men want to stop playing video games?  SEX!  

HOG: NOTE: My girlfriend claims that  -- while my speed points are accurate -- I have greatly overstated my stamina and power. To that, I give the classic Barry Bonds answer… “No comment.”

JUSTIN: On second thought maybe not…



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Baseball's Barry Bonds Breaks Home Run Record, Slides into Jessica Alba. HOGWILD.NET  expert dating advice. helpful and hilarious videos! Baseball. Barry Bonds.