Baseball Jokes. Oprah sucks. New York Yankees. New York Mets. Chicago White Sox. Oprah still sucks. Jessica Alba corks Derek Jeter's Bat. Serious Sports + Seriously Twisted Humor.  And Oprah blows.
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Baseball Jokes: Why the New York Mets Must Lose For the Sake of Humanity + Jessica Alba Corks Derek Jeter's Bat

Baseball Jokes

Serious Sports + Seriously Twisted Humor

Justin Sanders with HogWild

JUSTIN: BASEBALL IS BACK! And every team is even at the start of the season. It’s the time of year where fans everywhere are excited about the upcoming season... That is unless you live in Kansas City, Arizona, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, Seattle, Cincinnati, Washington, Colorado, Tampa Bay or Miami, Florida. In that case you should fill a cooler of beer and either check out your local minor league team or become heavily invested in your child’s T-ball league.

It’s like when I was young and I was the star of my T-ball league and…wait that was you Hogster. I played Little League with all of the rest of the boys my age.

HOG: I did not play T-ball!!! It was Little League! And I was the reserve outfielder on the 1988 Co-op City All-Star Team. What!!! Yes, the same Co-op City Little League that produced Major Leaguer Stan Jefferson who started a string of 6 games in 1989. So there!

Little League Baseball

ABOVE: 14 year old HogWild. This is the year we won the Bronx Championship! (In a controversial game called early due to weapons. No, I'm not kidding.)

JUSTIN: This year’s contenders consist of the Chicago Cubs… wait a minute the Cubs are going to suck too…but Cubs fans still have 2 things going for them.

1 - Your cross town rivals just won the World Series and

2 - You’ve made it 98 years with out a title so what’s another year of suffering?

HOG: Ouch! Tough talk Mr. Texas Rangers Fan. The 2 most notable things in Rangers history are:

1 - Signing Alex Rodriguez for $252 trillion dollars and

2 - Allowing George W. Bush to run your team about as well as he’s running the War in Iraq.

JUSTIN: Don't forget the camera man killer Kenny Rogers.

As for the real contenders for the World (as long as the by world you mean the United States) Series here are the clubs to keep an eye out for:.

Chicago White Sox: Not only are they the Defending Champs but they’ve got the funniest manager in the Major Leagues! He’s like a cross between Simon Cowell and Freddie Prinze, only this guy knows how to coach and his team is “looooking good.”

HOG: If funniness was a real qualification for Manager then Bobby Valentine (who once wore a Groucho Marx moustache and glasses disguise in the dugout) would be in the Hall of Fame instead of coaching the Makizushi Futomaki Hosomaki Temaki Spicy Tuna Marines in Japan.

JUSTIN: Of course in any heartwarming movie about baseball you need to have a villain so I guess we should talk about the Yankees! This year their two hundred million dollar line up looks like an All Star team but their pitching staff looks like the cast for Space Cowboys. Seriously, Randy Johnson’s love child is old enough to be a baseball groupie (in most states) but if they can avoid injuries they’ll be tough to beat this year.

HOG: Looks like Randy Johnson really has a… Randy Johnson. Cheerio! Pass me a crumpet!

JUSTIN: Top Drawer old man! Of course if we mention the Yanks we have to mention the Sox. They’ve got a revamped pitching staff and some new faces in the outfield so keep an eye on them. But then again when you have a $150 Million Dollar payroll shouldn’t you be a contender?

It’s to the point where watching the Red Sox play the Yankees is like watching two frat boys fight over a sorority chick. Sure, the rest of us would love to make a run at her but in the end our daddies just didn’t have the money to bankroll our plights.

HOG: HA HA HA!! Except instead of doing keg stands, they are doing Steroid Stands – Giambi is upside down gulping pills from a huge barrel. Sheffield is two-fisting cans of Human Growth Hormone.

In Boston, you’ve got:
Curt Schilling: PLEDGE! Fetch me my Metamucil! And don’t forget my prune juice.

JUSTIN: Also look out for the Cleveland Indians, Oakland Athletics, Toronto Blue Jays and possibly even the Texas Rangers! That’s right, I threw my team in there HogWild because in the end, I still believe they can do it! But then again I haven’t drank in a month so I could just be delirious!

HOG: Haven’t been drinking? By picking the Rangers you are ADMITTING you are drunk.

Unless you’re sniffing the pine tar again.

And dude, Cleveland will never win because they are under the Curse of the Wahoo. As long as they have a Native American as their mascot, they will never win. Of course they never won much WITHOUT Chief Wahoo, either. I think the best solution is for the team to fold and re-open as a class AAA minor league affiliate of the Yankees. You know, like Seattle.

JUSTIN: On the National League side of things we should probably start with the St. Louis Cardinals and the Atlanta Braves because not only will they both have great records this season but they’ll both probably choke in the playoffs for the second year in a row! Ouch!

HOG: I believe it was Shakespeare who spoketh, “’Tis better to have choked and lost, then to have never choked on a strawberry glazed doughnut with rainbow sprinkles at all.” Shakespeare rules.

JUSTIN: And I believe it was Homer Simpson that said, "Mmmm, doughnuts."

That leaves us with last year's National League Champions, the Houston Astros, who should make a run at the title as long as they don’t have to play the New York Mets or the Los Angeles Dodgers.

HOG: I think the Astros should go back to those old uniforms with orange, red and yellow stripes because they looked like giant Skittles.

JUSTIN: The Mets are totally reloaded this year. They also have the pitcher that broke the Boston curse, Pedro Martinez. If he can stay healthy and they can get some decent innings out of Billy Wagner in the bullpen they could be celebrating a title this year.

HOG: The last time the Mets celebrated a title:

1 - The Chernobyl Nuclear Power plant melted down

2 - The Challenger blew up and

3 - The Oprah Winfrey show went national.

For the
sake of the humanity, we can only hope the Mets lose.

JUSTIN: How can you cheer for YOUR OWN team to lose Wild Hog? Or his this reverse psychology HogWild? Anyway, you should also keep an eye on long shots Milwaukee, Philadelphia and San Francisco because you never know in the National league!

HOG: You know those 3 cities have the teams with the stupidest names.

Milwaukee Brewers. Because they Brew beer? Why name a team after a profession? Why not the Milwaukee Cheesemakers? Or the Milwaukee Wal-Mart Junior Associates?

The Phillies? Because that’s what people from Philly are called? That’s like naming a team, The New York New Yorkers. Or the Detroit Detroiters. Detroitoids? Detroiticons?

And San Francisco Giants? What the hell does that mean? Only one player on the team is a giant. And to get that big he is no longer a giant where it counts.

ABOVE: Venus Williams is looking better than usual. Oh wait. Damn. That's Barry Bonds in drag.

JUSTIN: So you’re probably sitting there thinking to yourself, “Hey, what if I live in a city with a crappy team or even worse, no team at all, what do I do?”

I’m glad you asked. For all the casual fans out there here are a few individual highlights to look forward to this season.

The Human Bobble Head Barry Bonds will try and pass the Human Bobble Belly Babe Ruth this year for second place on the all time home run leader board. Fans across the country will be watching weekly as Barry’s home run total and hat sizes grow bigger and bigger!

HOG: This guy should never have been allowed to pass Willie Mays on the home run list. Now he wants to cheat his way past Babe Ruth and Hank Aaron? Hell no. Why can’t everyone just agree to throw the ball at his weak knee every time?

I think at some point this season, Bonds will succumb to the pressure of fans ripping on him and his hard exterior will crack open and the real Bonds – a 12 inch rat – will jump out of his steroid-juiced human exoskeleton and will run around the field squealing, “It’s not fair! It’s not fair!”

Then Derek Jeter will trap him under a helmet and feed him to George Steinbrenner.

JUSTIN: Jimmy Rollins will be continuing his challenge to Joe DiMaggio’s 56 game hitting streak. Although it should be noted that Joey D set his record in one season and also banged Marilyn Monroe -- both of which will probably never be duplicated in my lifetime. But give Jimmy some credit he’s on fire at the plate…or at least he was last year so keep an eye on this Philly Philly.

HOG: Dude, I hope no bangs Marilyn Monroe in your lifetime. She’s been dead for years. At this point she’s almost as skinny as Nicole Richie.

JUSTIN: For the record, Derek Jeter has not only won a handful of championships but he also had sex with Jessica Alba. If he ever has a 57 game hit streak I think the Yankees should have his bat bronzed. And yes, I just added that last part so you'd throw in a picture of Jessica Alba!

HOG: Dude, Derek Jeter has ALREADY had his bat bronzed! By Jessica Alba!

ABOVE: A photo that will make my girlfriend mad at me and probably cost me the Fun-Dip this weekend. I hope you @$$holes appreciate this! :)

JUSTIN: Will Roger Clemens retire or will he play again this year and who what team will he be pitching for?

Actually who cares because I just read that Roger Clemens puts icy hot on his crotch before games so that he doesn’t get overly comfortable during games and keeps his edge. Yikes! I got icy hot on my balls (do you really want me to explain this one?) one time and spent the next hour in the bath tub crying like a bitch while furiously trying to wash it off my sack. So my hats off to Roger! He’s a bad motherf*cker!

HOG: I think they should investigate Clemens for steroids. The guy had one of the best seasons of his career last year at age 102. Plus he’s putting icy hot on his bozak. That’s not normal.

The only other athlete to put icy-hot on his jammy was Wilt “I-had-sex-with-10,000-women” Chamberlain. But that was doctor’s orders to keep down the swelling.

JUSTIN: Get your grills ready because America’s Pastime is back!

Buy me some Peanut and Cracker Jack

I don’t care if Clemens comes back

Or about Bonds’ shrunken sack

Or fat David Wells’ Big Mac Attack

Or Randy Johnson’s love shack

Or if Doc Gooden is back on crack

Cause it’s 1, 2, 3 strikes yer out

At the old ball game!


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Baseball Jokes. Oprah sucks. New York Yankees. New York Mets. Chicago White Sox. Oprah still sucks. Jessica Alba corks Derek Jeter's Bat. Serious Sports + Seriously Twisted Humor.  And Oprah blows.
HOGWILD.NET  expert dating advice. helpful and hilarious videos!