Big Brother 6: My 72 Second Audition & Reee-DICK-a-lus Application

Jokes & Funny Pictures

by HogWild

It's a 61 page application to be on Big Brother. For real. It's very serious. My answers were stoooooopid. For example:

1 - 10. How would rate your current relationship?

10! My girl is the best! For my birthday she wore something sexy and crotchless. An apron!!! She knows I love to eat!
 

Will you be able to handle being away from your partner for 3 months?

She will miss my sweet lovin'. And I will miss her sweet potato pie. But when we are back together, I'm sure our love will be stronger than ever!

Where did you go to school?

Case Western Reserve University located in scenic Cleveland, Ohio. Case Western had the dorkiest computer nerds and the ugliest girls.

So we had the binary system of rating the bims. 0's and 1's. If she was "good enough" you put up 1 finger while walking past her. If she was 800 pounds with a moustache over her eyes, she got the 0.

What are your career goals?

I would like to star in a sitcom on the WB. Then after it's cancelled, maybe star in an info-mercial.

So if you don't know, Big Brother is a Reality TV show. You get locked up in a house with strangers. You have NO contact with your friends & family for 3 months. They were having auditions.

I went.

Mostly it's actors using this as a practice audition. That's what I was doing. This show must really suck because they had an open audition here in the Media Capital of the Universe and like, 80 people showed up. You see bigger crowds here for the guys who breakdance in Washington Square Park!

Even if I was picked for the show, I KNEW I would lose. Because there WERE some people who REALLY wanted to win the audition. Married people. With children.

If they got a spot on the show, they have a chance to be away from their disgusting belching husband and screaming little snot-factories for 3 months! They would fight like hell to win!

Me? Eh. It would be nice to get that TV credit. But I like being home. Got my girlfriend cookin' me up a storm. Got my baseball games. I can pick my nose in privacy. I don't need 24 hour TV cameras to document the various little places I put my pinky!

So my audition was in front of this guy with a camera. The dude before me had a 5 minute audition. Mine was 72 seconds.

INTERVIEW GUY WITH SHAVED HEAD AND TATTOOS WEARING SUNGLASSES DURING NYC WINTER: Why do you want to be on Big Brother?

ME: To have fun, pull some pranks, you know, uh, act like an idiot.

INTERVIEW GUY WITH SHAVED HEAD AND TATTOOS WEARING SUNGLASSES DURING NYC WINTER: Thank you.

See, NOW I know they want people who will take the show seriously. But I feel I would give them great ratings. Think about it. All those strangers in the house backstabbing each other for the chance to win half a million dollars -- and me -- instigating a food fight so I can slap a bitchy girl in the face with a cold slice of mushroom pizza.

Enjoy scans of the actual pages of my actual moronic application:

Click to see the stoooopid stuff I wrote on my Application

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