Bill Gates has announced that he will soon retire from his job of running Microsoft! 

And only HOGWILD.NET has the exclusive scoop to show you... The Bill Gates Daily Timeline, Before and After Retirement

The Bill Gates Daily Timeline, Before Retirement

5 AM Boots up his system with the Seattle-area based brand known worldwide for relentlessly monopolizing its industry -- Starbucks.

5:30 AM Says daily prayer:

Blessed art thou, King of the Universe
Thou art The Ultimate Server
From which all file transfers originate.
Save me from the firewall below.
Show me the fiber-optic light.
Bring me with broadband speed
To your Central Processing Unit in Heaven.
Bless me before I Shut Down each night.
Thou art my master hard drive.
You monitor all, You are like Spyware, but
You can not be deleted.
Because You are read-only.
Keep my Operating System healthy.
Jesus, thou art my Lord and Screensavior.

5:40 AM - 6:15 AM Holds Daily ritual:

Slices a kitten's throat, kicks a puppy in the nuts and shouts "DESTROY GOOGLE!!!" 666 times. Workers run to cubicles to begin the day's work.

6:30 AM In New York City, the Stock Market opens. Makes $45 Billion dollars.

7 AM Coffee hits the spot. Runs to bathroom for a massive download.

7:45 AM Spins a giant wheel with the names of popular software programs that are not currently owned by Microsoft. The spin will determine which program he will copy, make worse, and market to the public. Today, the
wheel lands on MySpace.

7:50 AM Completes the Microsoft version of MySpace. Calls it MSNSpace. Says it is better than MySpace because all new computers will have a little icon on the desktop that says MSNSpace. And while MySpace is
free, MSNSpace costs $700. So it must be better. Dumb-ass.

7:50 - 8:00 AM Oops. System error. Has to restart his computer.

9:00 AM - Noon Dicks around on the computer.

Noon - 1 PM Lunch time!

Private gourmet chef delivers him his favorite meal: a champagne glass full of Mountain Dew with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. For dessert: an apple -- which he violently bites into, spits out, and screams, "I HATE APPLE" as he hurls the apple at the closest worker in sight.

1 PM - 2 PM writes a letter to the government of China asking them to PLEASE crackdown on illegal software piracy in their country. It's costing him money!

2 PM Blows his nose into a wad of $100 bills.

2:05 PM Clears head by going for a walk outdoors in his private sanctuary full of beautiful gardens and priceless artifacts. As he walks, he juggles the egg of a spotted owl, a 400 carat diamond, and an original painting by van Gogh.

3:30 PM Bill is half an hour late for his meeting with the President of the United States. Apologizes. The President is very understanding: "Yes, computer solitaire IS very addicting. I understand why you wouldn't want to interrupt your game." The President explains some of the things he's trying to do for the country; Asks Bill Gates if he can borrow a few billion dollars.

4:00 PM After some negotiation, Bill Gates pulls 3 billion dollars out of his sock and hands it to the President in exchange for a promise that all of the military's computer systems will run Microsoft.

4:01 PM America is officially f&^$ed.

4:30 - 5:30 PM Does some shopping on-line. Buys Peru.

5:30 - 6:00 PM Once again demands to know why his popular web-based email sounds like a g@y p*rn site. Yells, "And that colorful butterfly doesn't help matters!"

6:30 PM - 9:30 PM Dicks around on the computer.

9:30-11:30 PM Goes to strip club

As Stripper dances on his laptop, she says, "I'm impressed! I thought you'd be micro soft."

BILL GATES: Would you like a job in the programming department on the Windows Media Player Team?
STRIPPER: Wow! What would I do?
BILL GATES: You would stand next to the plant.
STRIPPER: Cool! Do you have cocaine?
BILL GATES: Don't be ridiculous. I sleep on a mattress MADE out of cocaine. It's very comfortable.

The Bill Gates Daily Timeline, After Retirement

After relaxing in his retirement for an entire hour, decides he needs a hobby.

8 AM Buys McDonald's.
8:01 AM Buys Coca-Cola.
8:02 AM Buys the Seattle Mariners baseball team.
8:03 AM Buys the Catholic Church.
11:03 AM Buys a pack of Peppermint Lifesavers.

11:30 AM Creates a business plan with his new companies working together.

Builds a new ballpark for the Seattle Mariners that will also be a Catholic Church. Calls it the House that your Donations Built.

Concession stands serve only Coke and McDonald's. Markets this combination with the slogan, "Get Free Gas!"

In the bullpen of the Baseball Stadium/Catholic Church, there is private booth with a Priest where players can confess which performance-enhancing drugs they are taking.

The other Priests are all employed as scouts for new player development. They attend a Little League game across the street in search of new young talent. The Priests get to 3rd base.

NOON Watches The Price is Right on TV.

1 PM Watches the Golden Girls.

2 PM Watches Matlock.

3 PM Takes a nap.

4 PM Sits outside with the other retirees. Complains that his grandkids don't exist.

5 PM Looks into vacation properties. Buys a small planet.

6 PM His accountant calls. Reminds him he is on a fixed income now.

6:30 PM Takes out wad of $100 bills because he has to blow his nose. Remembers what his accountant told him. Uses $50 bills instead.

7:00 PM Reminisces about the good 'ole days... Kicks a puppy in the nuts.