Blackout Jokes!

Top Ways to Prevent Another Blackout

by HogWild

This is a wake-up call, America! I learned my lesson the hard way. It is CRUCIAL to have paper print-outs to back up my computer porn.

I wouldn't know how to have sex without electricity.

But through this mess, I'm amazed there was no looting. If this was like 20 years ago, most New Yorkers would have no problem for lack of light because the Bronx would be on fire.

When the power first cut out, it was as if the Statue of Liberty’s eyes opened wide and she held her breath for a second. Only in NYC can a massive power outage make everybody breath a sigh of relief and say, "SHWEEW! It’s only a massive power outage affecting tens of millions of people. You mean there's no planes crashing into buildings or surface-to-air missiles knocking out skyscrapers?! Thank God!"

When an entire city loses complete power, it is a little unsettling. I mean, when I was in Dayton, they would lose power whenever there was a thunderstorm or when the cows belched. But this is New York Friggin' City. You don't just "turn off" Times Square. You don't turn off the subways.

I was very fortunate to escape the entire ordeal. I was at home preparing for my comedy show that night.

Some people were trapped on subways in tunnels or -- well I'm sure you've seen the photos of the people sleeping on the streets of Manhattan. White people.

The homeless were pissed, boy! I mean, these “urban nomads” have nothing to call their own. And then the little thing they do have, their “space” on the steps of the Post Office or on the floor of Penn Station is taken away by all these intruders.

Cleveland though man. That town is mad bootleg. No water. Sewage in the drinking supply. The mayor calls a CURFEW so you can't even leave town... I wonder how Case Western engineering students dealt with no Internet and no water. Beer & board games? Talking? I can imagine the panic!

And in Sandusky, they have a huge amusement park – Cedar Point. Some poor nubs were stuck on a roller coaster for 3 hours! THAT will be that LAST time they complain the line is longer than the ride!

I heard that news reporter Peter Jennings said that Parma, Ohio may have been the cause. Yeah, it was all those hair dryers. (For those ignorant, Parma is a small pocket of New Jersey located in Ohio.)

Then I like how they tell us to keep our air conditioners and stuff off so we don’t overload the system. But as soon as the electricity is back – BLIP! Times Square is lit up.

This leads me to one conclusion: America is bootleg. I thought my country was the greatest in the world, but man, I’m having my doubts now. How the HELL can you let 50 million people run around in the dark for so long?! I felt like a rat. A hot, sweaty rat. A hot, sweaty, blind rat with no cell phone service.

Isn’t that what separates us from the animals? Verizon?

Mad bootleg.

We NEED to

A – use less energy

or

B – find new sources

Okay, choice A is for you freaks who don’t realize that Thomas Edison was the greatest inventor ever invented.

We need to update how power flows, build more power plants, and find new ways to produce energy.

NEW ENERGY SOURCES:

1 - GIANT HAMSTER WHEELS

put dudes in them to run after the bims with big bouncy boobies. Us nubs are stupid enough to do it. Plus we need the exercise.  Bonus: our drool can be recycled into clean drinking water.

2 – OFF SHORE WIND MILLS

you’ve heard about this. But we can’t rely on nature alone.  Feed me bbq baked beans. I can power NYC for a year.

3- MORE OIL

look man, I love penguins and polar bears too. So here’s what we do. We take their land. We drill it. We move them all to scattered sections of Alaska. Let’s call them “reservations” no – “preservations.” They can own casinos.

4- SOLAR POWER

It hasn’t worked in the past, but that’s only because da Hogsta wasn’t on the case. Take the light from the Sun, use a giant mirror the size of Oklahoma, point it at Libya and shine the sh!t outta their eyes! While they’re blinded, we take their oil.

5 – POWER THE COUNTRY ON BLING

The Superheroes of Bling will save us! The blinging diamond rings on Kobe Bryant’s wife and J.Lo can easily provide enough light to brighten the east and west coasts. P. Diddy’s diamond ear rings will bling brightness over  the midwest and south.

Top Ways to Prevent another Blackout:

Number 1 is duh, uninstall Microsoft Windows as the Power Grid’s Operating System.

Unplug Ruben Studdard’s refrigerator.

Consolidate Ted Williams’ body parts all into one freezer.

Congress passes a reverse-curfew law whereas all children must GET OUT of their house playing video games and be on the street causing trouble like they’re supposed to.

Limit the electricity used to power bootleg comedy web sites like hogwild.net

Old people – it’s enough already with the life support.

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