To my new baby brother,

Hi there little guy. My name is Sean Preston. I'm your big brother!

We were almost born on the same day! Mom tried to induce labor so we could share a birthday. But it didn't work.

I mean, she tried everything... she swallowed a glass of water, Dad tried to scare her by popping a brown paper bag, and she even held her breath for a full 12 minutes! (She does that a lot.)

Eventually what did the trick was she ate a whole bunch of desserts. She's been trying this trick for about 2 years now. So her tummy got so full of double-fudge chocolate cheesecake that there was no more room for you!

Welcome to the world! Let me tell you all about it!

First thing to know is that when you get hungry, mommy has these 2 big jugs of milk for you. But you gotta wait your turn because most times Dad is using them.

Sometimes Mommy will let you skip ahead of his turn if you cry a lot. But you have to be pretty loud to cry louder than Daddy does when Mommy takes away his milk jugs.

Oh, I have this really fun toy. I think they call it a pacifier. I like it a lot. According to Mom, it's the only one in the world that tastes like beef jerky!

What else... oh!  The inside world is pretty quiet except for the sounds of sea lions mating. But I only hear that when Daddy is using his recording studio.

Some nights, Mommy will sing me a goodnight lullaby. Then I sleep peacefully. On other nights, Daddy will sing me a goodnight lullaby. On those nights I have wonderful dreams where I was never born so I don't have to hear Daddy sing.

The outside world is very bright! There are flashing lights everywhere! Sometimes they are white flashing lights. Sometimes they are red and blue flashing lights, like the time when Mommy held me in her lap in the front seat of the car while holding a cup of boiling coffee.

Mommy gets very angry when she sees the flashing white lights everywhere. Except when she is posing for a magazine cover. Then the man gives her an envelope full of green paper! This make Mommy smile!

Then Daddy takes half of the green paper and boards an airplane to Las Vegas. This does not make Mommy smile.

Sometimes I smile, too! Then I make a boom-boom and I feel better.

I have a great life and so will you! We have Daddy to change our diapers 5 times per year, Mommy feeds us yummy food that she gets from a restaurant whose mascot is a clown, and we have a Nanny to take care of us and love us!

And the Nanny has only dropped me on my head once, so far! But it was my fault. I tend to squirm around a lot when Mommy blows cigarette smoke in my face.

The only thing I don't like is when mean people say that Mommy and Daddy are stupid. It's not true!

For instance, Mommy and Daddy are really good at solving things! Just yesterday, Mommy said to Daddy, "What the f*ck is your problem?!" And Daddy was able to name 14 things that were wrong with Mommy, right off the top of his head!"

Then he did this big math equation where he calculated how much spousal support Mommy would have to pay him if she divorced him.

Then they had an intelligent discussion about religion. At least, I think it was about religion because I kept hearing the words: Hell, holy, and Jesus Christ.

So welcome baby brother! Oh, and I can't wait to introduce you to your 2 half-siblings that Daddy had with "that bitch." Well, that's what Mommy calls her anyway.

Love,

Sean Preston Spears-Federline

P.S. I'm can't type yet so I said this to Mommy and since she can't type either, she told it to her assistant to type.

P.P.S. Daddy just made a loud stinky boom-boom!

P.P.P.S. Oops, that was actually Daddy making a new music recording.