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I Admit It: I am Bootleg

rolex

by me, HogWild

hogwild

I admit it. I'm mad bootleg. I don't have extra money to throw around. That's why I love the 99 Store. Because when I go there... I feel like a King!

I like to bring a girl. I tell her, "Today... you are my Queen. You can have whatever you want!

"But just one."

It's hard to have a girlfriend when you're broke. And my last girlfriend, her birthday was the week before Christmas. Aaaah! That meant I could afford to get her 2 "okay" gifts... or 1 really awesome gift. So I decided to put 2 gifts in 1. So for her birthday, I got her... a reversible jacket.

The next week I was like, "Turn that bad boy inside out... Merry Christmas."

Because I'm broke I had to get my brother a crappy gift for his birthday. I got him a book. But I was like, "Hey, it's a really good book! So read it quick. Like, within the next 3 weeks before it's due back at the library."

I'm just bootleg like that. For instance, after my stand-up comedy shows, people will be like, "Hey man, do you have a business card?"

Sure. And I hand it to them.

And then they try to pocket it! I'm like, "Hey! I said I have A... business card. You want my info? Then write that sh!t down! Put it in your phone or something."

I buy this bootleg brand of instant microwavable rice called Success Rice. That's weird. Because while I'm standing in front of the microwave waiting to cook my 29 cent dinner of Soy Sauce and Success Rice... I don't feel like a success.

But now I get it. The rice is a success... compared to the person eating it. They should just be honest with product names and name them for the people who buy them. Like, I would totally fill up my shopping cart with products like Macaroni & Failure... Canned Tuna Disappointment... I Can't Believe It's Not Better Off Considering He Went to College.

Not only do I buy the bootleg brands, but I will complain about the quality of the product. For instance, I bought a bootleg Rolex and I wrote them a letter of complaint.

Dear Bolex,

This is not the quality I've come to expect from Bolex timepieces. Usually when I purchase a Bolex it works flawlessly for 6 days. But this watch that I purchased on Canal Street (literally, ON Canal Street) stopped working after just 2 days. I am very upset because this was a gift to my girlfriend... for our anniversary.

Your inferior product caused her to break up with me. Sure she says she broke up with me because I slept with her mother... but you guys didn't help the situation.

So I am requesting a full refund of my 2 dollars and 25 cents.

But there are 2 things that I believe you should never go bootleg with. Toilet paper and breast implants. I will explain.

#1 - Toilet paper. This is your ass we're talking about. It's important. You use it every day to do very important things like sit and scratch. Don't hurt your butt by using bootleg toilet paper. Growing up, my parents used to buy the bootleg toilet paper. The kind that hurts your butt. I don't even know where they found this toilet paper... maybe the loose-leaf paper section? It certainly felt like loose-leaf paper. So one day I decided to turn in my homework written on this toilet paper.

MY TEACHER: What is this? This is total crap!

ME: It almost was.

#2 - Breast implants. Girls, never see a bootleg breast surgeon just because you have a coupon. Or because he's doing a "2 for 1" special. Because if you get bootleg breast implants, this is what happens:

tara reid implants

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Money jokes. I admit it. I am bootleg. Tara Reid pictures, jokes. Funny rants. Dirty Jokes. Twisted Humor.
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