My uncle is an idiot. I know that's mean to say, but this is how he told me the story of Christmas:

Christmas is a very holy day where we celebrate the birthday of Santa Claus.

Santa Claus was in love with a girl. And that's why we sing Christmas songs about this girl named Carol.

For Santa's birthday, we give him his favorite gift: spark plugs. You might ask, "Why can't we just mail him his gifts?"

Silly! That's because Santa Claus has no address! He's homeless.

That big red bag you see him carrying is actually full of aluminum cans!

Santa used to live in the North Pole. But he was kicked out when the United States government began drilling for oil.

Santa Claus was born in Germany in the year 512 B.C. BC means... BEFORE Christmas.

Sadly, Santa's parents both died before he was born.

So as the saying goes, he was raised by reindeer. The reindeer did not let little Santa play any of their reindeer games. Until one dark and stormy night where Santa lead their Sleigh because his nose was so red and bright... from whiskey.

Santa never received any gifts on his birthday. In fact, the reindeer had HIM make THEM gifts! This is called racism.

Also, on that night the reindeer went to a beautiful Royal Ball but made Santa stay at home and scrub the floors. But then Santa was blessed by his Fairy Godmother... played by Bo Derek. For transportation, she turned a pumpkin... into a Cadillac Escalade!

But there was one rule. Santa had to be home by the stroke of midnight or else the Fairy Godmother would pelt his face with pinecones! Thus, the beautiful tradition of the Christmas Tree.

Santa left the Royal Ball so quickly that he lost a sock. And to remember this, we hang big red socks stuffed with small crappy gifts that bought in the toiletries aisle at Wal-Mart.

A few days later, a frog came to the door. Santa kissed the frog and it turned into Prince Charming. The Prince exclaimed, "My lovely Santa! Is this your sock?"

Santa looked into Prince Charming's eyes and said, "Dude. I'm not g@y. I'm just jolly. I don't want your socks."
 

Santa soon became a party-animal. He picked up a h00ker named Miracle on the corner of 34th Street. And he called his c0caine dealer... Frosty the SNOWman.

Santa also loved mar!juana. That's why he would go from house to house looking for cookies. Santa had the munchies! And the mar!juana made him laugh at everything, "Ho Ho Ho!"

God punished Santa for his behavior saying, "Thou shall not be able to have children of your own... but you must still give gifts to everyone else's kids."

Santa said unto God, "That's not fair."

So God said unto Santa, "Life's not fair."

So now, all year round, Santa builds toys with his little helpers called the Chinese.

Then on his birthday, Santa delivers the gifts to good little boys and girls. And judging by the crappy gifts they receive, apparently there are NO good little boys and girls in Mexico.

On the very first Christmas, Santa had a pimped-out Sleigh with spinning reindeer. But his girlfriend, named Mrs. Claus, complained, "Why don't you ever let ME drive?"

Mrs. Claus would complain about a lot of things. Years later, her personality would inspire a famous ballet called The Nutcracker.

Santa gave in and of course, Mrs. Claus crashed the sleigh into a Mistletoe tree. Santa and Mrs. Claus were so relieved to be okay that they kissed each other... under the Mistletoe tree. And to this day, we carry on this tradition of bad women drivers.

And why do we decorate the tree with tinsel? To represent the tree that was splattered with Santa's blood... and teeth!

Santa Claus is sometimes called by his other name: Charlie Brown.

God was was pretty ticked off that they crashed the sleigh He gave them, because now his insurance premiums would go through the roof! So God slaughtered all 1st-born geckos.

And God said unto Santa, "Now I'm going to make your girlfriend into your wife and she will stress you out, until all your hair turns shock white and you must stay with her until death do you part. Except I will never let you die!"

Santa said, "Oh man! That stinks!"

So God said, "And for that, you are not allowed to enter homes through the door, only the chimney. And you've got diabetes."

Santa yelled, "Noooooo!" And his sleigh spun in circles as he swore to have his revenge on Luke Skywalker.