If I Were an Astronaut 

&

God as Ike Turner

If I were an astronaut, I’d be checking out the bird myself!

I don’t trust no union mechanic!

This is my life!

“Hey, you. Is this blaster exhaust-thingee supposed to look like this? Seems a little crooked.”

And most important of all:

“Before we go up, I just wanna test my eject button.”

In fact, as soon as we get back down into the Earth’s atmosphere, I’m ejecting no matter what. I’ll take my chances on this parachute chair before I spend my last 17 seconds as a burnt up marshmallow.

But the Columbia crew were really heroes. Let’s not forget that they led the way for astronauts getting the fun-dip they deserve. 

Because you know ALL astronauts got laid by their bim THAT day.

Damn, if you didn’t, your bim just doesn’t love you. She probably doesn’t even LIKE you.

“That could’ve been me up there!”

“But it wasn’t. It’s Wednesday. Take out the goddamn trash.”

As a Jew, the Columbia accident affected me on a spiritual level. This was the first Israeli dude in space. Sure, I didn’t care when they announced it. But then he became toasted matzah. Is this a message? 

Plus, the next day, on my cell phone, I got crosstalk and overheard a conversation with God.

“How else can I f&^% with the Jews? I killed their astronaut . . . "

Any other group of people, if their God f%^$ed with them half as much as our God f’s with us-- they'd pick a new God!!

The Greeks for example. “We just got our asses kicked by the Romans! Zeus ain’t protectin’ us from tish! F Zeus. Maybe this Jesus guy will be better to us . . .”

Us Jews are in an abusive relationship. He keeps kickin’ our ass and we keep coming back for more. 

You will be slaves in Egypt!

“We still love you! This is only a test of our faith!”

You will be crushed by the Babylonians!

“We worship you still! In secret, hiding from fear of religious persecution and torture. But still!”

The Syrian Greeks will kick your ass!

“Is that all ya got?”

You will be Rome’s bitches!

“Maybe we deserve this punishment. We’re not worthy of your love. You’re so much better than us. We are privileged to be slapped around by You, creator of the Universe.”

The Spanish will ask you many questions. 

“The questions we don’t mind so much. It’s really the eye-gouging that gets us.

Remember, no ham, no bacon, no lobster, and no milkshakes with your meatloaf.

“Lord, you are right! We will diet for you! Anything for you!”

All people are God’s children. But you, you are the Chosen People. Chosen to be gassed, incinerated, mutilated, raped, and made into decorative furniture by the Germans.

“Oh, the pain! But our faith in You will give us the strength to endure all that You have wrought upon us.”

My goodness! This is too much, even for Me. Maybe, after 5800 years of beating on you, I will be good to you once. Just once. I will finally give you the Homeland you desire. A place to call your own.

“THANK YOU, LORD! YOU ARE GREAT! YOU ARE GOOD! WE KNEW YOU’D HOOK US UP IF WE STAYED WITH YOU!!!!”

Hmm . . . . F that! You must share this tiny space of homeland with people who hate you. Let the games begin!

“But God! Haven’t we endured enough? We – we – we aren’t gonna take it anymore!”

You think Lord Vishnu is gonna treat you any better? Or Tao? We ALL run this mutha! We gotta collusion thing goin’ on! In fact, you’d better stop your kvetching, or I’ll transfer you to Asgaya Gigagei – He was lookin’ out for the Cherokees.

“Um, no that’s okay. We’re cool. Real cool. We won’t bother you again. And that Israeli astronaut? We’ll just write that off as a human sacrifice. Consider it a gift! We love you! SHALOM!”

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