1 - My worst date ever. For my
12th birthday, my parents threw me a party at a roller skating rink.
Cool. My girlfriend was there. When it was time for
couples skate, she broke up with me. Right before Couples Skate!!!
On my birthday!!
I will never forgive you for that Barbara. To this day whenever I go
roller skating and I hear the song "It Takes 2" by Rob Base... I
crawl into a ball, slump into a corner, and cry like my dog
was run over by one of those double-decker busses in London.
2 - This date was like me in 10th Grade during 3rd
period... missing Chemistry.
The girl was kinda cute but there were no sparks. Was it her?
Was she just kinda boring? Was it me? Did I not interest her?
Maybe I need to do stuff on the date to spice things up. Like
grab body parts.
The conversation was fine but only friendly. No sexual tension.
That's weird because normally when I go a long time without sex,
I feel A LOT of tension. Mostly in my b@lls region.
NOTE: B@lls Region is the medical term for
the geographical area that includes the testicles, grundle, lower
stomach, and pubic hair area. This Region has its own currency and
military alliances. They are a much more powerful Region than say, the
Now you know there is no chemistry on a date when she starts asking you
about how to fix her computer.
YES THIS REALLY HAPPENED!!! Twice.
Actually 3 times.
During our initial phone conversation somehow she found out my deep
dark secret... that I'm "good with computers." Trust me. I was NOT
bragging about it to get laid!
NOTE: That only works the campus of
engineering colleges. Guys brag about the size of their hardware in
order to double-click on a girl's mouse.
So on the phone, I kind of gloss over her questions because I want to be
her bang-buddy, not her computer repair man.
Though, in the back of my head I thought, when the time is right I will
say, "So let's check out that computer of yours" and that will
give me an excuse to get alone with her in her room. And that's
when I'll plug in my portable hard drive.
Okay, so now we're on the date. I
took her to this really classy bar. We're talking and crap. Then she
goes, "So you're good with computers, right?"
"I need to back up my computer. What do you think is the best way to
do this? Do you know what I should buy?"
So at first I playfully verbally bitch-slapped her. I responded by
saying, "Easy with the computer talk. You're really turning me on!!!"
She laughs. Then she asks AGAIN!!
So I start fanning myself. "Is it getting hot in here?"
WTF, man!! Her profile said, "Dating Men" not "Seeking Dork to
Fix my Computer because I'm a stupid C*nt"
I think the problem was that she was Jewish. And so am I. I think
that was a turn-off for both of us. It was weird because when an
Asian couple walked into the bar, we BOTH turned to look at them
and licked our lips.
Even though I had as much interest in her as President Bush has
in saving the whales, I asked her out on another date. Because I figured
I already had 1 date down, and it's just 2 more until s*x.
(According to my Rules of Dating Handbook.)
She turns me down saying she's "feeling more of a friend vibe."
That means she'd rather feel her battery powered vibe than
It's too bad because she was in really good shape!
For a pear.
3 - I had it all planned. We get a nice romantic
dinner in Queens then go into Manhattan to see the ceremonial lighting
of the Christmas Tree in Rockefeller Center.
That's when she has the "emergency." I HAVE to drive her
to her mom's apartment. Right now. Um, okay.
She tells me she'll only be a few minutes. She doesn't invite me up. So
I wait in the car. As the clock ticks, I realize there is no
way we will make it to Manhattan for the Christmas Tree lighting.
She comes down 45 minutes later. I'm pissed. But what can you do?
It's an emergency, right?
ME: So, uh, is everything okay?
HER: Yes, now it is okay. I promised my mother I would clean her
ME: Um, what?
HER: I made her a promise and I had to keep it.
This is the moment I realize this b!tch is crazy. This moment
ALWAYS arrives. Just usually not on the 1st date.
4 - You know a date is going to be awesome when you
pick her up and she's already crying. Usually that doesn't happen
to me until AFTER sex. This was in high school. Her parents had a big
fight. But damn, girl. Either cancel the date or pull yourself
I guess that's why I didn't object 4 weeks later (when this chick
was officially my girlfriend) and my best friend squirted an entire
can of Cheez Whiz in her hair while she was sleeping.
(That's a story for another time.)
5 - There was the time that accidentally had TWO dates for
Also in high school. It was a Youth Group
outing. The girl I originally asked on this "Cruise" (actually a bootleg
circle tour around Manhattan) said no. So I asked another girl. I
guess I was kind of dating both these girls at the same time. But I
never signed the exclusivity agreement!
So the 1st girl surprises me by showing up to the cruise.
She thought she was doing me this huge favor. She changed her mind!
Uh, I already had another date with me. A more mature HogWild
would have gently explained the circumstances to her. But I was
incapable of such a conversation at age 17. So I ignored
her. And then I think I made out with the other girl in front of her.
So on the boat her friends are hissing at me, their fangs ready
to sink into my neck. The girl asks me to step outside to the outer deck
of the boat.
She looks up at me in the eyes and WHAAAAAAAACK! She slaps me
hard across the face.
What a relief! I thought she was going to throw me overboard!
6 - This girl was so lame-o. First date. This is college. I take
her to the movies. We're having fun. I put my arm around her.
HER: I don't do that on the 1st date.
ME: Do what?
ME: You mean you don't want my arm around your chair?
Not only did I not get to 1st base, she wouldn't even let me out of the
dugout! She benched me!
Game over for her.
7 - Age 12. I had no idea what to do on a date. I'd seen my dad
playfully squeeze my mom's thigh. (My dad is not a good role
model for dating, or health, or finance, or personal hygiene.) So I'm
with the girl in the movies and I squeeze her thigh.
She jumps up! She cries! She runs out of the theater. She tells her
I'm sorry! I wasn't going to touch you in your special
place! I didn't even know you HAD a special place! I was a moron!
BONUS BONUS BONUS! - Okay this last story did NOT happen to me. No,
really. But it's sooooo ridiculous I have to share it.
My buddy met this chick on the internet.
NOTE: For the last time this did NOT
happen to me! I don't care if you believe me or not. Whatever!
Anyway the girl said she was 5'6", attractive, etc. My friend picks her
up in his car. She is hobbling along on crutches. One of her legs
is dragging along the ground. She's about 5 feet tall. Maybe.
Clearly this girl is not what she represented herself to be.
But my friend, having invested many hours chatting and emailing with her
decides to soldier on.
He helps her crippled ass (uh, I mean disabled butt) into the car. She
starts with the sex talk.
HER: You should know that I have a fake leg.
MY BUDDY: Oh. Okay. I figured something was going on.
HER: I'm really horny.
MY BUDDY: Wow. That's nice.
HER: Do you want to finger me?
MY BUDDY: You sure get right to the point!
HER: Okay, I just need to take off my diaper.
MY BUDDY: (silence)
HER: Can you help me with it?
MY BUDDY: (silence)
He closes his eyes. Breathes deep. And makes the decision of his
life. Does he boink a desperately horny one-legged crippled
girl wearing a diaper?
Sorry Fonz, but he makes a U-turn and takes
The thing is that I think he would have agreed to sex with her if
not for the diaper. The crutches, not-hotness of her face, and peg
leg were not enough to deter him. But adult diapers is where he
draws the line.
I guess it's all about standards.
Some guys demand an intelligent girl with a sense of humor. Some guys
demand a girl with a hot body and confidence. And some guys have
a strict No-Pampers rule.