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Football Player De'Cody Fagg: My Imaginary Interview
Gay Jokes + Twisted Humor
by HogWild
I'm doing some manly stuff... watching some
football while drinking a beer and knitting when I see the most
amazing thing ever. Yes, it was a player with the name De'cody
Fagg. I WISH I could interview this guy. This is how I imagine it
would go:HOG: So... you have a very
unusual name. Tell us how you got the name... De'Cody.
DE'CODY FAGG: From my mama.
HOG: So let's talk football. What position do like best?
DE'CODY FAGG: Wide Receiver.
HOG: Of course.
DE'CODY FAGG: I used to be a Tight End.
HOG: Before you got to college.
DE'CODY FAGG: Right.
HOG: Yeah, college is when a lot of people experiment. You're
really an outstanding player. So soon your resume will say "Fagg:
Professional Wide Receiver."
DE'CODY FAGG: That's what I working towards.
HOG: How did you get into football?
DE'CODY FAGG: My dad. As a kid, he taught me to play in the
backyard.
HOG: He taught you to play in the backyard?
DE'CODY FAGG: That's right. The backyard.
HOG: Did you like playing in the backyard?
DE'CODY FAGG: It felt great to play in my dad's backyard. Now I
hope to spend most of my time in the End Zone.
HOG: Naturally. Was your dad the first man to make a pass at you?
DE'CODY FAGG: Actually, my uncle was.
HOG: And now you are a key player for the Florida Semenholes.
DE'CODY FAGG: It's actually pronounced "Seminoles."
HOG: Of all the Semenholes, you are the one who always seems to
be open.
DE'CODY FAGG: Thanks. But you have to give a lot of credit to
Coach.
HOG: So it's up to your Coach to make certain that the Semenholes
are open?
DE'CODY FAGG: That's right. And Coach also runs a great defense.
HOG: Have you ever played defense? Ever tried to get the
quarterback in the sack?
DE'CODY FAGG: I'd love to sack the quarterback. But that's not my
job. My job is catch the ball.
HOG: You enjoy catching balls?
DE'CODY FAGG: Of course! I just wish more balls would come my
way.
HOG: You ever spike the balls?
DE'CODY FAGG: I don't like players who are too flashy. My brother
is more flashy of a player.
HOG: So in your family, you are not the flamboyant Fagg.
DE'CODY FAGG: No. My brother is. He loves to dance after a
touchdown.
HOG: You're not a dancer. Your main concern is penetrating the
End Zone.
DE'CODY FAGG: That's right.
HOG: I'm sure you'd be happy to be drafted by any of the NFL
teams... but if you had a choice, do you have any preferences?
DE'CODY FAGG: Yeah. Probably the Packers or the Raiders.
HOG: Makes sense.
DE'CODY FAGG: Maybe the Rams.
HOG: Who is your favorite player of all-time?
DE'CODY FAGG: Probably Jerry Rice.
HOG: What about the Defensive Back Randall Gay?
DE'CODY FAGG: Who?
HOG: Or legendary linebacker Dick Butkus?
DE'CODY FAGG: Um...
HOG: Or Kansas City Chiefs Assistant Coach Dick Curl?
DE'CODY FAGG: What the hell?
HOG: You ever play baseball?
DE'CODY FAGG: In high school.
HOG: Were you a pitcher or a catcher?
DE'CODY FAGG: What? Neither.
HOG: Were you a bench player? Did you ride the pine?
DE'CODY FAGG: I guess you could say that. I'm best at football.
Nothing is more exciting to me than a 2 minute drive to the End Zone.
HOG: 2 minutes?!
DE'CODY FAGG: Yeah! The quarterback pumps left, pumps right, he's
being chased in the pocket... then he shoots it up the gut. I grab it,
spin, a tackler grabs me from behind... I break loose, the crowd
cheers...
HOG: There's a crowd?!!!
DE'CODY FAGG: For this kind of action?! Hell yeah! Then I stumble
to the Goal. I rip off my helmet and throw it into the crowd...
HOG: Gross!
DE'CODY FAGG: Why? We just won the Super Bowl!
HOG: So? What's the big deal?
DE'CODY FAGG: Are you kidding me? The Super Bowl ring? It's all
about the jewelry, baby!
HOG: Oh, okay. Now I understand. You love jewelry.
DE'CODY FAGG: You damn right! I wouldn't mind redecorating my
house with trophies.
HOG: Ah, now I understand! Football is all about jewelry and
redecorating! Now I see why football is so important to you.
DE'CODY FAGG: Not just for me. For my entire family! They've
supported me the entire way.
HOG: So you don't just play for yourself. You play for all the
Faggs.
DE'CODY FAGG: Now you understand.
HOG: Last question. Let's say you're the team captain. And before
the ceremonial coin toss, the ref asks you to choose... do you pick head
or tail?
DE'CODY FAGG: Tough call. Either one sounds good to me.
HOG: De'Cody, it's been fabulous. Thank you for being here! Our
next guest is Kansas City Royals pitcher Jimmy Gobble...
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