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Football Player De'Cody Fagg: My Imaginary Interview

 

Gay Jokes + Twisted Humor

by HogWild

I'm doing some manly stuff... watching some football while drinking a beer and knitting when I see the most amazing thing ever. Yes, it was a player with the name De'cody Fagg. I WISH I could interview this guy. This is how I imagine it would go:

HOG: So... you have a very unusual name. Tell us how you got the name... De'Cody.

DE'CODY FAGG: From my mama.

HOG: So let's talk football. What position do like best?

DE'CODY FAGG: Wide Receiver.

HOG: Of course.

DE'CODY FAGG: I used to be a Tight End.

HOG: Before you got to college.

DE'CODY FAGG: Right.

HOG: Yeah, college is when a lot of people experiment. You're really an outstanding player. So soon your resume will say "Fagg: Professional Wide Receiver."

DE'CODY FAGG: That's what I working towards.

HOG: How did you get into football?

DE'CODY FAGG: My dad. As a kid, he taught me to play in the backyard.

HOG: He taught you to play in the backyard?

DE'CODY FAGG: That's right. The backyard.

HOG: Did you like playing in the backyard?

DE'CODY FAGG: It felt great to play in my dad's backyard. Now I hope to spend most of my time in the End Zone.

HOG: Naturally. Was your dad the first man to make a pass at you?

DE'CODY FAGG: Actually, my uncle was.

HOG: And now you are a key player for the Florida Semenholes.

DE'CODY FAGG: It's actually pronounced "Seminoles."

HOG: Of all the Semenholes, you are the one who always seems to be open.

DE'CODY FAGG: Thanks. But you have to give a lot of credit to Coach.

HOG: So it's up to your Coach to make certain that the Semenholes are open?

DE'CODY FAGG: That's right. And Coach also runs a great defense.

HOG: Have you ever played defense? Ever tried to get the quarterback in the sack?

DE'CODY FAGG: I'd love to sack the quarterback. But that's not my job. My job is catch the ball.

HOG: You enjoy catching balls?

DE'CODY FAGG: Of course! I just wish more balls would come my way.

HOG: You ever spike the balls?

DE'CODY FAGG: I don't like players who are too flashy. My brother is more flashy of a player.

HOG: So in your family, you are not the flamboyant Fagg.

DE'CODY FAGG: No. My brother is. He loves to dance after a touchdown.

HOG: You're not a dancer. Your main concern is penetrating the End Zone.

DE'CODY FAGG: That's right.

HOG: I'm sure you'd be happy to be drafted by any of the NFL teams... but if you had a choice, do you have any preferences?

DE'CODY FAGG: Yeah. Probably the Packers or the Raiders.

HOG: Makes sense.

DE'CODY FAGG: Maybe the Rams.

HOG: Who is your favorite player of all-time?

DE'CODY FAGG: Probably Jerry Rice.

HOG: What about the Defensive Back Randall Gay?

DE'CODY FAGG: Who?

HOG: Or legendary linebacker Dick Butkus?

DE'CODY FAGG: Um...

HOG: Or Kansas City Chiefs Assistant Coach Dick Curl?

DE'CODY FAGG: What the hell?

HOG: You ever play baseball?

DE'CODY FAGG: In high school.

HOG: Were you a pitcher or a catcher?

DE'CODY FAGG: What? Neither.

HOG: Were you a bench player? Did you ride the pine?

DE'CODY FAGG: I guess you could say that. I'm best at football. Nothing is more exciting to me than a 2 minute drive to the End Zone.

HOG: 2 minutes?!

DE'CODY FAGG: Yeah! The quarterback pumps left, pumps right, he's being chased in the pocket... then he shoots it up the gut. I grab it, spin, a tackler grabs me from behind... I break loose, the crowd cheers...

HOG: There's a crowd?!!!

DE'CODY FAGG: For this kind of action?! Hell yeah! Then I stumble to the Goal. I rip off my helmet and throw it into the crowd...

HOG: Gross!

DE'CODY FAGG: Why? We just won the Super Bowl!

HOG: So? What's the big deal?

DE'CODY FAGG: Are you kidding me? The Super Bowl ring? It's all about the jewelry, baby!

HOG: Oh, okay. Now I understand. You love jewelry.

DE'CODY FAGG: You damn right! I wouldn't mind redecorating my house with trophies.

HOG: Ah, now I understand! Football is all about jewelry and redecorating! Now I see why football is so important to you.

DE'CODY FAGG: Not just for me. For my entire family! They've supported me the entire way.

HOG: So you don't just play for yourself. You play for all the Faggs.

DE'CODY FAGG: Now you understand.

HOG: Last question. Let's say you're the team captain. And before the ceremonial coin toss, the ref asks you to choose... do you pick head or tail?

DE'CODY FAGG: Tough call. Either one sounds good to me.

HOG: De'Cody, it's been fabulous. Thank you for being here! Our next guest is Kansas City Royals pitcher Jimmy Gobble...


 

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