HogWild has the
exclusive on The Donald Trump wedding! Secrets revealed!
This is the legal contract Trump made
his new wife sign.
The Trump Pre-Nuptial Agreement
1. PURPOSE. Mr. Donald Trump, herein referred to as "The
Donald" and Ms. Melania Knauss, herein referred to as "The
Trophy Wife" are merging into matrimony, herein referred to as
"The Trump Partnership III, Inc." The parties are setting forth in
this Agreement their respective rights.
2. EFFECT OF AGREEMENT. The Donald will
retain 100% of all property, cash, and hair upon
termination of Trump Partnership III, Inc.
Donald will retain 100% of all revenue from the tell-all book
deal (tentatively titled "Trump: The Art of the Deal III. The Deal
is, you're Dumped!", ©
Random Whores Publishing), post-divorce television interview appearance
fees, and monies collected from the eBay auction of The Trophy
The Donald is entitled to keep 100% of revenues generated
from the free publicity to Trump Enterprises resulting from the
termination of Trump Partnership III, Inc. The Trophy Wife
is entitled to keep 100% of the humiliation of being
replaced by a younger woman.
THE MARLA MAPLES CLAUSE: After termination of Trump
Partnership III, Inc. Trophy Wife may no longer use the
Trump name in association with her pathetic attempts at a
career in acting/singing/dancing/spokeswoman for vaginal
If The Trophy Wife files for
divorce, she may not issue the public statement,
"You're Fired!" Make up your
own catch-phrase, bitch!
3. DISPOSITION OF PROPERTY. All Trump property in the possession
of The Trophy Wife must be returned, including Trump Hotel
Likenesses of The Trophy Wife may continue to be used in
I. The Trump Hotel,
Casino, and Ex-wife Wax Museum
II. All Trump-brand masturbation fantasies
The Trophy Wife is prohibited from visiting any of The
Donald's personal property such as most of the Atlantic
City strip, Palm Beach, Florida or the entirety of
Manhattan. If found trespassing, she will be escorted to the outer
The Donald may dissolve Trump Partnership III, Inc. given
the occurrence of any of the below eventualities:
Trophy Wife turns 40.
II. The Trophy Wife looks 40.
III. The Trophy Wife has some really hot model friends who
"were totally asking for it."
IV. The Trophy Wife stops going "downtown."
a) The Donald
suspects her infidelity from something he heard on The
Howard Stern Show
b) The Donald proves her infidelity with 3 other
parties signing as witnesses on SSODC
(Standard Small Orgy Declaration Form)
VI. The Trophy
Wife suggests that Mr. Trump's hair is anything but 100%
natural. And beautiful.
VII. The Trophy Wife intentionally touches The Hair.
VIII. The Trophy Wife doesn't properly
respect The Hair.
IX. The Donald "feels like it".
X. Roman numerals are cool.
4. RIGHTS ACCORDED TO THE TROPHY WIFE. As predictable as it may
be, The Trophy Wife is fully within her rights to pose for
the obligatory Playboy shoot. The Trophy Wife's
constitutional right to pose softcore shall not be infringed upon.
However, under no circumstances
may The Trophy Wife sell photos that include The
Donald. This clause applies especially to photos that include
The Trophy Wife is accorded the right to a "hearty pat on the
back" for a job well done, in addition to a patronizing "Certificate
The Trophy Wife is entitled to keep all items given to her
during the course of Trump Partnership III, Inc. including
furs, diamonds, and Trump babies. Items are non-returnable
under Florida State Law 4316.12b: No Backsies.
Upon termination of Trump Partnership III, Inc. The Trophy
Wife may make one (1) public joke about The Donald's
hair. But will then be legally required to state that, all kidding
aside, Mr. Trump's hair is lush, natural and very real.
The Trophy Wife is entitled to her fading looks, possible
eating disorder and bitter tears.
Perhaps, if she doesn't like it, she can
just pack up and go back to Serbia, Slovakia or whichever
potato-loving, dictator-having, mass-grave country she came from.
Would she like that any better? This legal document didn't think so.
The Trophy Wife may apply to be a contestant on a special edition
of The Apprentice: The All-Star Ex-Wives Edition. And
because of her qualifications as a foreign-born woman with no
job skills, The Trophy Wife may also apply to be a
maid at The Trump Hotel.
5. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS. Given the dissolution of this union, The Trophy
Wife will be presented with two legal options:
A) "Like it."
or B) "Lump it."
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