*** Best Boobies in a Comedy ***

And the nominees are...

Pamela Anderson in Stacked

Catherine Bach in Dukes of Hazzard

And the winner of Best Boobies in a Comedy is...

Kevin James for the King of Queens!

There are some TV shows that are very visually appealing but also very annoying. For this type of show I've created a new category...

*** The On-Mute Award ***

And the nominated shows are...

- Soul Train

- The Price is Right

And the winner is...

Anything on Spanish Television!

We're having fun, but let's take a moment to reflect on television's incredible power to heal and to help.

There is one network that has gone above and beyond when it comes to providing much-needed help. And to that end, we would now like to honor the Network Most Responsible for Keeping has-been Celebrities off Welfare...

VH-1!

Now for the important category of

*** Gayest Network on TV ***

And the 1 nominee for this category is... Logo - the Gay Lesbian Bisexual Channel
 

And the winner is....

Bravo Television!

Now to my favorite category...

*** Show Most Likely to make you Throw Up ***

The nominees are...

Fear Factor

Survivor

And the winner of Show Most Likely to make you Throw Up

That awful sitcom, According to Jim!

In recent years the Academy has added important new categories such as Best Animated Show and Best Reality Show. But I want to see a new and long-overdue entry...

*** Best Paid Programming! ***
 

And the nominees for Best Lead Actor/Actress in an infomercial are:

Billy Blanks for that Taebo exercise crap. Billy Blanks is amazing because he really acts like fat asses laying on their couch watching infomercials at 3 in the morning are going to start jumping around doing his fake Karate work-out any time soon.

Jay "The Juiceman" Kordich for dropping random eggplants, celery, and pigeon beaks into a blender and drinking it down like it's a delicious milkshake.

Tony Little for his work as a crazy work-out idiot.

Ron Jeremy for being the spokesman for a pen!s-lengthing pill that REALLY works! REALLY!

Miss Cleo for showing that people with an island accent can predict your future over the phone AND braid your hair at the same time!

And the Winner is...

Richard Simmons! Because not only did he Sweat to the Oldies, but he's managed to stay famous for no other reason than the fact that he's such a huge fruit that he belongs in The Juiceman's blender.
 

*** Best TV show featuring Ex-child Actors ***
 

And the Winner is...

NYPD Blue for hiring Ricky Schroder and Zack Morris

The next category is... 

*** Network LEAST likely to be Viewed by Tom Cruise ***

The nominees are:

- Christian Broadcasting Network

- ESPN

And the winner of the Network LEAST likely to be Viewed by Tom Cruise is...

Playboy Television!

*** Best Show for Beginning Readers ***

The nominees are:

- Sesame Street
- Reading Rainbow

And the Best Show for Beginning Readers is...

MTV's Total Request Live! I challenge you to find 1 person who watches this show who can read!

*** Best Actor in a role that he has revived over and over and over in different shows ***

The nominee is Kelsey Grammer for his work as Dr. Frasier Crane, Dr. Frasier Crane and also Dr. Frasier Crane!

And the winner is... 

Alfonso Ribeiro for acting like a preppy black guy for 25 years! Silver Spoons, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and that bootleg piece-of-crap LL Cool J show, "In the House."

*** Best Two Dimensional School Principal ***

Principal Skinner on The Simpsons

Principal Victoria on South Park

And the winner of Best Two Dimensional School Principal:

Mr. Belding on Saved by the Bell!
 

And now for our final category:

The Best Law & Order Spin-Off Never to air...

And the nominees are:

- Law & Order: Boise

- Law & Order: Special Needs Unit

And the Winner is...

Law & Order, Fashion Crimes!

Stoooooooooooooooooooooooopid!