Fantasy Baseball jokes. Eva Longoria pictures. Why do men play fantasy baseball? To keep us from cheating our girlfriends! Because now we don't have girlfriends anymore.
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Why do Men Play Fantasy Baseball? To Keep us from Cheating on our Girlfriends!

Because now we don't have girlfriends anymore.


Serious Sports + Seriously Twisted Humor

Justin Sanders with HogWild

JUSTIN: My fantasy baseball team SUCKS and itís driving me crazy! 

For those of you who have never heard of fantasy sports or donít know how they work, let me explain. 

Itís basically like Dungeons & Dragons for sports fanatics because you get a bunch of your friends together and draft players to play on your make-believe baseball team. 

Trust me, that same look that girl gave you in fifth grade when you told her how your fifth level paladin slayed the black dragon is the same look sheís going to give you when you tell her how your fantasy first baseman scored 30 points. 

Thereís a reason why they call them fantasy sports... because once you get addicted to them your sex life will be nothing but a fantasy.

HOG: HA HA HA!! Itís true!

JUSTIN: Just ask HogWild. He tried to warn me. He told me that Fantasy Baseball kills relationships, but did I listen?  No.  Not that my marriage is in trouble but my sanity sure is.  I canít even watch a sitcom these days without getting up and checking how my fantasy teamís doing during the commercials. 

HOG: What makes me question your sanity is not Fantasy Baseball, but that youíre watching ďAccording to JimĒ and laughing.

JUSTIN:  Courtney Thorne-Smith is a MILF!  At least before I was married...


My wife, she tries to talk to me, but while sheís telling me all about how her boss is a d!ck and the b!tch sitting next to her is trying to steal her job, Iím desperately trying to figure out why the hell Scott Rolen canít get A HIT! 

HOG: Well, thatís totally normal. No man wants to hear his woman complain about her job.

Every time my girl complains about her office, I say:

ďDang it! Yíall women are the ones who wanted to work in the first place! If it was up to me, all yíall complaining would be limited to the kitchen! Ö and uh, the bedroom. Iím sorry Ďbout last night, sweetie. I was just real excited or somethin'."


JUSTIN: When Iím at work I try and stay focused, but most of my lunch hour is spent wolfing down leftovers and scouring the waver wire for unknown sluggers to save my season!

HOG: Remember the good old days when you spent your lunch hours drooling over statistics like 36-24-36 instead of 31-102-.310?

You've got a real problem when you spend more time examining HIS figures...


...than HER figure:


JUSTIN: Are you asking yourself, "How the hell do you get points from a fantasy player and why do guys care about it so much?"  Well, we care, because as men (and even HogWild) we love to compete. 

HOG: HEY! HEY! I said, HEY! I am all man!

Donít make me whip out my clitoris! I mean, penis. Seriously, I have a penis.

JUSTIN: Whether itís playing pool, bragging about women or playing against each otherís fantasy teams we HAVE to win! 

Not because winning a make-believe game is all that we care about, but because we know that if we lose to one of our friends that weíre going to get teased unmercifully until we gain back the upper hand. 

Kind of like when a girl goes out shopping and finds a great pair of shoes on sale and then brags to all of her friends about what a great shopper she is. 

As far as her and her friends are concerned sheís the worldís greatest shopper.  Until one of her other friends goes out and finds a nice pair of thong panties on sale that make her look like Eva Longoria, then sheís the best.


ABOVE: The best.

NOTE TO MY GIRLFRIEND: Just kidding. YOU are the best. Please don't kill in me in my sleep.

JUSTIN: Men are super competitive just like women. Itís just that we donít take our tops off and pillow fight after the game.

HOG: Neither do girls, dude. I know. I couldnít believe it either!

But I asked my girl about it, and she says that chicks donít really settle arguments by unhooking their bras and slapping each other with their oiled up breasts.

It sucks man. Now I totally have no interest in voting for an all-female House of Representatives.

JUSTIN: It's like you just told me that there is no Santa Claus!

Now if the worth of a man were judged by his fantasy team, weíd be living in a pretty sad world but luckily itís not, because most men who play fantasy baseball also have a real favorite baseball team that they cheer for.

HOG: Uh-oh. Now it DOUBLE-sucks for you. Because the only way your Texas Rangers win the World Series is if all the other teams are visiting southern Italy at the same time when the Mount Vesuvius volcano explodes and every single Major League baseball player is melted and only their caps are seen floating atop the burning red lava. And then I still think the Minor League Toledo Mudhens would kick the Rangersí ass.

JUSTIN: Well you just wait...we're gonna...ummm...Hey at least I'll have your company while watching the World Series because the only way the Mets are making it to the Series is if the Yankees need extra bat boys!   Oooooooooooh.

HOG: Dude, I don't know if you heard. But the Yankees just signed the best bat boy in the league... Mark Teixeira. Sorry, looks like you lost your All-Star 1st baseman to become the Yankees $27 million dollar helmet shiner.

Speaking of a helmet shiner, here is a hot picture of Eva Longoria delivering a hard slider up and in.


JUSTIN: This totally throws a wrench in the works because when you have a baseball team made up of fantasy players from different cities sooner or later youíre going to have one of them competing against your own team. 

Then who do you cheer for? 

Do you stay true and pull for the hometown or do you sell out for fantasy points? 

Itís a very thin line to tread but somehow men walk that line every day and if by some chance you can hold a relationship together at the same time then youíre a better man than most. So please ladies please be patient with us.

HOG: Back when I was a born-again-virgin, um, I mean in a Fantasy Baseball LeagueÖ I would root for my home team to just barely win over my Fantasy Players.

For example, if I had Albert Pujols on my Fantasy Team, I would hope that he went 5 for 5 with 5 grand slams and 20 RBIs but that the New York Mets still won the game 21-20. And thatís why they call it Fantasy Baseball.

And yes, women, ya gotta understand why we do this. Itís so we donít cheat on you.

It keeps our minds occupied with third-base coach signals instead of flirting signals. Weíre concentrating on pitching, instead of pitching a tent in our pants.

I ask you, isnít better that we bring home RBIís rather than STDís?

Weíre not staying out late with women at barsÖ weíre staying out late with MEN at bars!

JUSTIN: Cue the music:  "It's raining men...hallelujah!"

HOG: No, um, us men are watching baseball together. You know, guy stuff. Damn it! You know what I mean!

Iím as straight as the 1st base line! I would never touch another manís Foul Pole! Or dig into his batterís box. Or throw some warm-up pitches in his bullpenÖ

JUSTIN: I hear you... besides when you're "Checking your scores" you know you're checking out! 

HOG: Iím just saying Fantasy Baseball is good because it replaces horniness with dorkiness. Because previously, we were horny dorks, and now weíre just dorks.


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Fantasy Baseball jokes. Eva Longoria pictures. Why do men play fantasy baseball? To keep us from cheating our girlfriends! Because now we don't have girlfriends anymore. 
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