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Flight to Hawaii, Hot Stewardess, and the E! Channel

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HogWild in Hawaii!

Part 2: Hot Hawaiian Stewardesses Smuggling Pineapples 

After reading Part 1 to this story you must feel like I felt on the EIGHT HOUR flight: ďAre we there yet?!Ē And Iím the idiot who doesnít get up once during the entire trip. Normal people do things like stretch, get up and walk around, but not me. Iím too lazy. Once Iím sitting Iím not getting up. But thatís not good when youíre sitting for 480 consecutive minutes with your knees crushed up against the seat in front of you. Mrs. Potato-Head got mad at me during the flight and she stabbed her fork into my HogWild's small bloom.thighó I didnít wake up thoughó my legs were so numb. Turns out she was just poking air holes in them so they wouldnít shrivel black, fall off, and die. When I finally stood up to get off the planeó I couldnít. I pushed myself upright using the armrests and then summarily collapsed into the aisle. And you KNOW how people are when itís time to get off the plane! I must have gotten my face stepped on by 50 passengers before a Priest hurried towards me. He was like, ďJesus Christ!Ē Then he yelled, ďIím late for my connection!Ē Then he stepped on my face as he made his way to the exit.

 

 

The reason most people get up on planes is to use the bathroom. Not me. I HATE using public toilets. Especially on planes. Where does all that niZasty caramel go anyway?  Do they dump it over the ocean? Iím convinced the airlines have set up a conveyor belt to handle all of the passengersí ďEmergency Exits.Ē It starts under the toilet. Then it carries it to an automated repackaging mini-factory in the underbelly of the plane. Then the conveyor belt continues into the kitchen where the stewardesses carry it out to serve as lunch.

Fishing for Dookie Dollars.

 

The point is, I hate using a toilet when I know some BFN (Big Fat Nasty) has squashed their oversized Ohio-ass approximately onto the seat and squirted caramel corn. Ugh! But I donít even like to pee in a public restroom. Especially in airports with those auto-flush toilets. Iím paranoid that the sensor is really a camera and a security guard somewhere is laughing at my penis.

 

So we land on the Big Island. 

(For those not ignorant of American geography you can skip these parenthetic remarks. Everyone else you probably need to see this: The state of Hawaii is actually comprised of many islandsó like a hundred. But there are about 8 main islands that people actually live on. The rest are like the tiny zits on your ass. Theyíre there one day and gone the next. A volcano erupts and BOOM a new island. But sometimes God will squeeze this land-pimple and it will disappear. Anywayz, the largest of the Hawaiian Islands is also named Hawaii. This confuses people so they also call it the ďBig Island.Ē This is not to be confused with the ďBig Dirty IslandĒ (thatís Manhattan.) )

 So now we need to go on ANOTHER airplane. This one is to get us to Kauai. (A different Island of Hawaii.) But I was in for a treat I did not expect. I guess I was so exhausted that I didnít realize the incredibly awesome possibility that Aloha Airlines would employó get thisó hot Hawaiian stewardesses!

Sadly, this is the closest HogWild got to any hot Hawaiian bims.

My life is complete! It used to be that all female flight personnel were hottie-boom-bodies. Not anymore. Those bastard airlines (SPIT!) stopped employing aspiring actresses in their twenties and replaced them with Grandmas and Gay Guys. Holy crap! This my Hogz, is a travesty. When Iím on a plane and I want a semi-comfortable, unwashed, blue blankie to snuggle up inó I want it delivered to me by a blonde with her hair up in a bun with seductive curves that betray her stoic uniform. Rrrrrrrrrrar! When I request a cup of generic orange soda and a extra packet of kibbles & bits snack mixó I want it handed to me by the slender and delicate hand of a brunette leaning over slightly, exposing her two oversized carry-on items. I DONíT want it to be handed to me by a brunette with blonde highlights whose name-tag says, ďBruno.Ē

 

Oh God these hot Hawaiian stewardesses! Mrs. P got so mad at me. But she has to understand. This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. When will I ever get this chance again? Never! Sure I pushed it a little bit. Maybe it wasnít right to request a pillow. Then a blanket. And then that the Stewardess tuck me in. And then call her back for a goodnight kiss on the cheek. And then later act like I got my zipper stuck in the bathroom and I needed her to get it unstuckó with her teeth. I know. Iím a bad boy. A VERY BAD BOY! Iím sorry Mrs. Potato-Head. But I might have to trade you in for your Hawaiian-version: Mrs. Pineapple-Head!

Ain't it purty? It's just like Cleveland except the trees aren't coughing.

 

Iím just kidding. It was a great vacation. Iím glad I had someone special to share it with. My remote control. I know itís very loser-like but I donít have cable TV at home! Iím missing all the action. All the SportCenters! All the Golden Girls! All the E! True Hollywood Stories! Let me tell you, E! is an incredible channel. Itís like MTVís Spring Break without all the stupid music. Always big breasted bims in bikinis. The best show is of course, Wild On. Every episode, the heavenly-hootered hostess travels to a new exotic location and does a quasi-1st-person-report on the culture and sights. Every episode is exactly the same:

Brooke Boobies, hostess of Wild On E!

ďHere we are in _________ (fill in the blank). Itís so beautiful here! The water, the trees, the sky, the monuments! Okay, letís go the famous shopping district! You wait here while I try on 27 different sexy outfits and model them in front of the camera! Do you like this one? How about if I pull this part off? Now letís rent a sensible vehicle so we can travel the countryside. This cherry-red Lamborghini convertible should do. Oops! The wind blew my top off! Thatís okay. Now I can steer with my breasts. Here we are at the beach. Wow! It must be Baywatch tryouts again! This is great but now itís time to enjoy the world renown night life. Iíll get in this fancy strapless white cocktail dress. Time to drive to the restaurant! But Iím so tired of this Lamborghini. Letís take the Limo. Oh look out the window, itís one of those ďNative People!Ē Heís so cute! Heís holding up a hand-scribbled sign, ďWill work for Clean Underwear.Ē Come on girlfriends, letís give him what he wants! Iíll just whip off my panties and fling them out the window! Tee-hee, this place is so quaint!Ē

Brooke Booty poses. E! stands for Easy-does-it or I'll have to change my skivvies!

ďFinally, weíre at the restaurant. Hi, Iíll have the Seafood Extravaganza and a bottle of diet Cristal! Have to watch the figure you know! Ooh, look! Someone sent me a frothy drink with a cherry! Mmmmm, this cherry is sweetó I just want toó mmmmó roll it all over me face and tease it with my tongue! Now Iíll swallow it! Ha! I still have the touch! I twisted the stem into the shape of Abraham Lincolnís face by only using my mouth! And the cherry doesnít have any teeth marks on it!Ē

ďWell looks like itís time to go to the dance club! Iím sure weíll see lots of hunks in swimming trunks and sexy ladiesí legs in thrifty thongs! Oh, and you know I canít resist a good wet t-shirt contest!Ē

Itís always like that no matter where the location is. The episode I just described was actually Wild OnÖ Lebanon. Iím not sure they even still do the show on location any more. Does it really matter? It could be taped in Albuquerque for all I care. WILD ON... ALBUQUERQUE!  Whatever. Just gimme my odd-angle zoomed-in camera shots of bikinis. Mrs. P had it right. She calls it the ďTravel Porn Show.Ē Iím chilliní in the bedroom and Mrs. P hollers, ďAre you watching that Travel Porn show again?!Ē Uh, what? Noooooooo. Itís uh, a documentary on the rainforests of uh, Jamaicaís beaches.

Documentary. Please. At best itís a documammary.

 

Oh crap, I got off-subject again. Another Hawaii Rant with almost nothing about Hawaii. Hmm. Thatís not right. Iíll tell you one quick thing about this place.

Some of the natives pronounce Hawaii with a V. Like, Ha-vay-ee. Nah, chill, thatís bootleg. What kind of bootleg language doesnít have a W sound? How can they say important words like um, WORDS! And Woman! And Wobbly Wampums! Hell, when I do my stand-up tour in Hawaii I will NOT be introduced, ďPlease give a Varm Velcome to the Vackest Vite boy ever to Valk on stage, HogVild!Ē

 

I mean, I can be culturally-sensitive. They pronounce their name a certain way.The Big Dirty Island We should respect that. But hell, I pronounce MY birthplace a certain way but I donít force tourists to call it New YAWK! Nah, I donít have a harr-a-bull New York accent. But my brother does. And part of the New York dialect is cursing. My brotherís Expletive-to-Sentence ratio is right around 7:1. A little low for NY, I know. In New York, if you donít want to get ripped off, you canít act like a tourist. But itís not enough to act like you know where youíre going. You also have to tawk the tawk. Hereís an example. You hop in a cab:

ďDriver, please take me to the Statue of Liberty. Nice weather weíre having, ay?Ē

Letís break down your mistakes. First of all, DRIVER? You ainít in a limo, youís in a taxi, fool! Nub probably doesnít even speak English! Next mistake: ďplease.Ē Holy tish-on-a-stick! Where are we? Wisconsin? The word PLEASE hasnít been used since the 1800ís. There is one exception, as in, ďPLEASE stop stabbing me. I already gave you my wallet.Ē But even then, itís debatable. And whatís this ďnice weather weíre havingĒ crap? No small talk! Do you think this nub really wants to talk to you anyway? Nubís been driving for 36 hours without a shower trying to make enough bacon bits to bring the rest of his village to America. Youíll probably have to fart hard just to drown out his smell.

Here is how the new New York street-smart-you will handle this sichee-ay-shun:

ďYo Habib, take me to the Green Bitch. Drive fast.Ē

Note: Only use the name Habib if his name is not Habib. Otherwise he may misinterpret it as friendliness.

 

New York is a tough place. But Hawaii is not. Itís paradise with honey-brown babes and oceans that arenít poisonous to fish and small children. The sand is clean. The mountains are beautiful. The flowers arenít plastic. The air is fresh and breathable without the aid of a filter. In fact, for the first time ever, I had a SLOWDOWN in nose-hair growth because my body began adjusting to air with more oxygen than car exhaust.

Also in Hawaii I noticed that my testicles werenít as angry. No wonder people live longer there. Iím here walking around with angry testiclesó all bunched up and tied in a knotó but in Hawaii itís like they sayó hanginí loose.

 

 
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