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Hockey Jokes

Wayne Gretzky's wife, Janet Jones, is a Naughty Naughty Girl. Hot Hockey Wives and Hockey Gambling.

hockey jokes

Hockey Jokes. Hockey Pictures.

by Justin Sanders with HogWild

JUSTIN: Today’s big news is about the gambling ring orchestrated by soon-to-be-former NHL assistant coach Rick Tocchet. He was processing over 1,000 wagers, exceeding $1.7 million dollars in revenue on football and basketball.

HOG: I think the NHL is just mad because he made more money than the entire league did last year. 

JUSTIN: No kidding, it’s no wonder the league was so adamant about raising the player’s salaries last year, hell, half the players probably owed Tocchet money.   

HOG: Hey, it’s hard to motivate these modern players. What better way than getting the mob to threaten to break their legs? 

JUSTIN: True, but this was the last thing that the NHL needed after last seasons walk-out THAT NOBODY NOTICED.  I mean for a league that’s trying to rebuild its image, this ain’t the way to do it!   

HOG: I think this IS the way to do it! Seriously, I haven’t paid any attention to the NHL this year. Now I’m interested!

JUSTIN: Topless midget wrestlers fighting in a cage matches in between periods couldn’t get me to watch an entire hockey match. 

HOG: I’ve been to some hockey games and I loved it! Hard hitting action. It’s fast. Crisp passing. It’s a great game to watch live. But on TV, I don’t know what the hell is going on. The cameras can’t keep up with the puck. And the puck is too small to see. In basketball, the ball is big, so you can see it. They need to put cameras on every player’s head. Or get closer views. Or use a bigger puck. Like a Frisbee or something.

JUSTIN: Frisbee Hockey?  Perhaps you should put the bong down now Hog. 

HOG: I agree with the Tocchet. Hockey needs more gambling. Think about college basketball. Does anybody care about Corncud State? No. But come NCAA March Madness time….Go Corncud!!! And the NFL is great. But without gambling, every one tunes out after half time. Hockey needs betting. Some gambling ideas: 

Predict # fights in Period 2

Predict total # of consonants on the Russian players’ jerseys

Predict # of times the Canadian announcer will say “eh” 

JUSTIN: Perhaps you should be the Hockey commissioner, I’d vote for you!  But the thing that shocked me most of all though was the fact that Wayne Gretzky’s wife, Janet Jones, the former actress from such gems as Police Academy 5, The Beastmaster and my personal favorite Staying Alive, might actually be involved in the gambling ring.    

HOG: Holy crap! Wayne Gretzky, The Great One – his wife was IN The Great One? Police Academy!! Wow! I never even cared about Wayne Gretzky before. Now I have a whole new respect for him. Do you think she made out with Michael Winslow behind the set? When Michael Winslow orgasms, do you think he makes crazy sound effects?  Or when he gets a boner, does he do that “power-up” sound from Super Mario Brothers? So cool! 

JUSTIN: You’re scaring me now dude.  Law enforcement officials told the New Jersey newspaper that Jones bet $500,000 in recent weeks, including $75,000 in Super Bowl wagers.  Are you kidding me?  Did she think that no one would notice?  If she needs something to do, why not write a screenplay, start a charity? Anything but ruin your husband’s name.  Hell she could have sex with the Detroit Red Wings on a pay per view event and done less damage to his image.  

HOG: Justin, please never mention the words “Sex” and “Red Wings” in the same sentence. 

JUSTIN: At this point it’s only a matter of time before Meredith Baxter Birney’s playing her in the Lifetime movie, “Gambling Hockey Mamma.” 

HOG: Gretzky’s wife sounds hot.

JUSTIN: She was.

Janet Jones

HOG: Gambling half a million dollars. Cool. She must be super bored. You think Mario Lemieux is high-sticking her at home? The wives of athletes have to put up with a lot. Their husbands are always on the road. Their husbands often cheat. Their husbands use “supplements” that shrink their packages. If you’re a woman, do you want this?

You get money and a nice house. But your husband is never home, he’s slamming some other skank’s Penalty Box, and he’s got a Shrinky Dink between his legs. I’m not saying Gretzky is doing any of these things. I’m just saying I need a hamburger. I’m really hungry. 

JUSTIN: I mean seriously have we learned nothing from the past?  After all this is professional sports where they only take 2 things seriously: illegitimate kids and gambling on sports.  Look at what happened to Pete Rose, he bet on sports and not only did they kick him out of baseball but they threw Tom Sizemore in a wig and made the worst movie ever about him. 

 pete rose

HOG: I didn’t see that movie! Sounds cool, though. Last night I had this dream that Reggie Jackson came out of retirement for the Yankees. And he hits a game-winning pinch-hit home run! It was awesome. Sorry. That has nothing to do with anything. I’m really hungry.

JUSTIN: It sounds as if you’ve been hurt by a former athlete at one time in your life HogWild and for that I am sorry but it puts a whole new light on the man crush you have on Reggie Jackson. 

You know the league’s not f*cking around when the independent investigator that they hired to investigate the case is none other than Bob Cleary.  If you don’t recognize his name, he was the federal prosecutor who prosecuted the Unabomber to FOUR life sentences.   

HOG:  Wow. They got the Unabomber prosecutor? Too bad that gets cancelled out because the judge is Lance Ito.  

JUSTIN:  Nice!  Plus a league source was quoted as saying that, “Tocchet’s going to have to be made an example of.”   

HOG: That’s scary! A league source ended a sentence with a preposition!

JUSTIN:  Did I mention that you had a man crush on Reggie Jackson?   

HOG: Do they even have hockey in your state of Texas? Oh yeah, didn’t you guys steal that North Stars team from Minnesota? Then you renamed them… the Stars. That’s bootleg. Why is there hockey in Texas? Texas is hot. You guys should stick to rodeos and monster truck rallies.

JUSTIN: The pathetic thing is that a Texas Hockey Team won the Stanley Cup in 1999, Reggie. 

Another league official even went on to say, “He is so f*cked!  You saw what Cleary did to the Unabomber.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Tocchet’s not somebody’s b!tch by this time next year.”  Okay I made that last quote up but trust me this case is going to end worse than a Jennifer Lopez movie. 

HOG: You mean Coach Tocchet is going to get married? To Wayne Gretzky’s wife? Hockey is much better than I thought!



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Hockey Jokes. Pictures. HOGWILD.NET  expert dating advice. helpful and hilarious videos! Wayne Gretzky, Janet Jones. Hot Hockey Wives and Hockey Gambling.