My ex-girlfriend was the most
jealous girlfriend on the planet. I mean, just because of that
ONE time we went out to dinner and when she came back from the
bathroom she found my finger digging in hostess's Olive
NOTE: Just kidding!
NOTE: It was actually at a Red Lobster.
NOTE: For real, just kidding. I prefer Applebees.
No, that girl was INSANELY jealous. Some dude must have really
been a jerk to her. Because she trusted me less than...
CHOOSE YOUR OWN PUNCH LINE!
She trusted me less than...
1 - ...you'd trust Michael Jackson
in a Children's Cancer Center.
2 - ...you'd trust Paris Hilton in a room full of juicy d!cks.
3 - ...you'd trust the Spears-Federline family to baby-sit your
4 - ...you'd trust anything that comes out of the mouth of
NOTE: No, you can't choose "None of
the Above," you @$$hole!
What really hurt is that she not only accused me of ShaBOINKING
hot chicks, but also BFN's! (Big Fat Nasties.)
HER: I know you had sex with that bitch, <NAME>!
ME: Baby, I would never cheat on you. But if I did, I'd like to
think I would choose a girl who didn't look like Shrek.
*** THE VALENTINE'S DAY CARD ***
There was the time she was going through my stuff and found a
Valentine's Day Card.
HER: Who gave you this?!!!
ME: Um, uh, uh...
Then she reads the card. She raises her eyebrows and says, "Oh."
Because SHE gave me that card... the year before.
She's so jealous, she got jealous of HERSELF.
That's really f*cking jealous!
*** PHONE MANNERS ***
ME (quietly): Hello?
HER: Why aren't you happy to hear from me? Who are you with?!!
Why are you being quiet? Oh my God, you're out on a date!
ME: What? I'm in a restaurant. I'm grabbing dinner before my
HER: You're on a date at a restaurant!
So from then on, I decided to ALWAYS answer the phone SUPER-happy.
ME: HI!!! HEY, EVERYONE! IT'S MY GIRLFRIEND! I...
(forming the letters like a cheerleader)
L-O-V-E love her, love her, love her!!!
HER: Where are you?!!!
ME (quietly): In the hospital visiting my grandmother.
*** WHO IS THAT B!TCH?! ***
I'm in the car. She calls.
HER: I hear a woman's voice. Who is that?
ME: Oh my God! Not this again.
HER: Who is that bitch?! Who is she?!!
ME: You wanna talk to her?
HER: Yeah, I want to tell her off!!!
ME: Okay... hold on.
THE MYSTERIOUS WOMAN: Hi!!!
HER: Who is this?!
THE MYSTERIOUS WOMAN: This is HogWild's mom! How are you doing?
NOTE: My mom doesn't actually call
herself "HogWild's mom." She is way too ashamed of me to admit she is my
*** TXT ME ***
I thought I would mix things up and try out a new cute pet name for her.
So I send her a text message with my cute new pet name for her.
HER: Who the hell is <CUTE NEW PET NAME>?!!!
ME: That's my new cute name for you!
HER: No, it's not! You meant to send that text message to a
different girl! How many girls are you seeing?!!!
ME: Just one. But it's one too many!
NOTE: Okay, that last thing I only
thought. But I thought it really loud!
*** AFTERNOON DELIGHT ***
A girl from high school that I was friends with came to one of my shows.
Hadn't seen her since high school. We never had any kind of romantic
history. Well, we WERE lab partners. Pretty hot stuff, huh?
I thought it would be nice to catch up on old times and whatnot. I tell
the girl that I have a girlfriend. And I tell my girlfriend that I'd
like to talk to this girl. She says it's okay as long as it's not in a
fancy restaurant or anything.
Well, duh. So I tell my girlfriend my plans: to have a
friendly conversation with the girl in Union Square Park (a very
crowded park in Manhattan) at lunchtime.
Right before I'm supposed to meet with the girl, I get a phone call.
HER: I can't believe you're actually going on a date with that
ME: What? It's not a date. We talked about this.
HER: This is bullsh!t.
ME: What? Why? How can you accuse me of going out on a date with
another girl? Didn't I tell you exactly what, where, and when this was
HER: Yes. I have to give it to you... that was a brilliant cover.
ME: You know what I'd like to COVER?
ME: You with little kisses!
NOTE: But I thought it really
*** STREET WALKERS ***
I surprise her with 2 dozen roses. Just because. I thought it was
MAN DICTIONARY: Romantic = Sexual
HER: Wow! Thank you for the flowers! They're beautiful! Wait,
what did you do?
ME: What? Nothing. I thought it was a nice thing to...
HER: Oh, don't give me that crap! You're such a player! What, are
you seeing every girl in the city?
Just then (and I swear to God this is true) this little blonde girl that
I know walks by all perky and is like, "Hi!"
The amazing thing is that she DIDN'T accuse me of doing anything with
THAT particular girl. But she starts listing every other female I have
Basically, she said that the only girls I could ever talk to were those
standing behind a cash register.
ME: Hey, listen. I want to stay friends with you but we can't
GIRL: What?! But we've been friends since the 3rd grade!
ME: Well, I guess we CAN still talk... but you're gonna have to
get a job at Wal-Mart.
If you date a jealous girl, things will not work out in
the long-run, all your female friends will hate you or end up
wearing blue smocks to work, and you will have really, really hot s*x.
So yeah. It's totally worth it!!!