She trusted me less than...

1 - ...you'd trust Michael Jackson in a Children's Cancer Center.

2 - ...you'd trust Paris Hilton in a room full of juicy d!cks.

3 - ...you'd trust the Spears-Federline family to baby-sit your kid.

4 - ...you'd trust anything that comes out of the mouth of President Bush.

NOTE: No, you can't choose "None of the Above," you @$$hole!

What really hurt is that she not only accused me of ShaBOINKING hot chicks, but also BFN's! (Big Fat Nasties.)

HER: I know you had sex with that bitch, <NAME>!
ME: Baby, I would never cheat on you. But if I did, I'd like to think I would choose a girl who didn't look like Shrek.

*** THE VALENTINE'S DAY CARD ***

There was the time she was going through my stuff and found a Valentine's Day Card.

HER: Who gave you this?!!!
ME: Um, uh, uh...

Then she reads the card. She raises her eyebrows and says, "Oh."

Because SHE gave me that card... the year before.

She's so jealous, she got jealous of HERSELF.

That's really f*cking jealous!

*** PHONE MANNERS ***

ME (quietly): Hello?
HER: Why aren't you happy to hear from me? Who are you with?!! Why are you being quiet? Oh my God, you're out on a date!
ME: What? I'm in a restaurant. I'm grabbing dinner before my show.
HER: You're on a date at a restaurant!

So from then on, I decided to ALWAYS answer the phone SUPER-happy.

ME: HI!!! HEY, EVERYONE! IT'S MY GIRLFRIEND! I...
(forming the letters like a cheerleader)
L-O-V-E love her, love her, love her!!!
HER: Where are you?!!!
ME (quietly): In the hospital visiting my grandmother.

*** WHO IS THAT B!TCH?! ***

I'm in the car. She calls.

ME: Hello?
HER: I hear a woman's voice. Who is that?
ME: Oh my God! Not this again.
HER: Who is that bitch?! Who is she?!!
ME: You wanna talk to her?
HER: Yeah, I want to tell her off!!!
ME: Okay... hold on.
THE MYSTERIOUS WOMAN: Hi!!!
HER: Who is this?!
THE MYSTERIOUS WOMAN: This is HogWild's mom! How are you doing?

NOTE: My mom doesn't actually call herself "HogWild's mom." She is way too ashamed of me to admit she is my mom.

*** TXT ME ***

I thought I would mix things up and try out a new cute pet name for her. So I send her a text message with my cute new pet name for her.

HER: Who the hell is <CUTE NEW PET NAME>?!!!
ME: That's my new cute name for you!
HER: No, it's not! You meant to send that text message to a different girl! How many girls are you seeing?!!!
ME: Just one. But it's one too many!

NOTE: Okay, that last thing I only thought. But I thought it really loud!

*** AFTERNOON DELIGHT ***

A girl from high school that I was friends with came to one of my shows. Hadn't seen her since high school. We never had any kind of romantic history. Well, we WERE lab partners. Pretty hot stuff, huh?

I thought it would be nice to catch up on old times and whatnot. I tell the girl that I have a girlfriend. And I tell my girlfriend that I'd like to talk to this girl. She says it's okay as long as it's not in a fancy restaurant or anything.

Well, duh. So I tell my girlfriend my plans: to have a friendly conversation with the girl in Union Square Park (a very crowded park in Manhattan) at lunchtime.

Right before I'm supposed to meet with the girl, I get a phone call.

HER: I can't believe you're actually going on a date with that girl!
ME: What? It's not a date. We talked about this.
HER: This is bullsh!t.
ME: What? Why? How can you accuse me of going out on a date with another girl? Didn't I tell you exactly what, where, and when this was happening?
HER: Yes. I have to give it to you... that was a brilliant cover.
ME: You know what I'd like to COVER?
HER: What?!
ME: You with little kisses!
 

NOTE: But I thought it really sarcastically!

*** STREET WALKERS ***

I surprise her with 2 dozen roses. Just because. I thought it was romantic.

MAN DICTIONARY: Romantic = Sexual Encouragement

HER: Wow! Thank you for the flowers! They're beautiful! Wait, what did you do?
ME: What? Nothing. I thought it was a nice thing to...
HER: Oh, don't give me that crap! You're such a player! What, are you seeing every girl in the city?
ME: No!

Just then (and I swear to God this is true) this little blonde girl that I know walks by all perky and is like, "Hi!"

The amazing thing is that she DIDN'T accuse me of doing anything with THAT particular girl. But she starts listing every other female I have contact with.

Basically, she said that the only girls I could ever talk to were those standing behind a cash register.

ME: Hey, listen. I want to stay friends with you but we can't talk anymore.
GIRL: What?! But we've been friends since the 3rd grade!
ME: Well, I guess we CAN still talk... but you're gonna have to get a job at Wal-Mart.

The lesson?

If you date a jealous girl, things will not work out in the long-run, all your female friends will hate you or end up wearing blue smocks to work, and you will have really, really hot s*x.

So yeah. It's totally worth it!!!