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#1 NFL Blunt, er, Punt Receiver: "Sticky Icky" Ricky Williams Gets Busted... Again!

Ricky Williams

Serious Sports + Seriously Twisted Humor

Justin Sanders with HogWild

JUSTIN: Well our favorite weed smoking introvert Ricky Williams has been suspended once again for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy.

Since this is Smokey’s fourth violation he will be suspended for one year and at 30 years old this may just be the death sentence for Williams’ career. 

HOG: Yeah, when most NFL players have their careers ended by a joint problem, they're talking about their knees, not their hash habit!

I like a guy who has his priorities straight. He knows he likes weed. So be it. He’s a multi-millionaire pot head.

What’s amazing is that you’d think a pot head wouldn’t be so good at football! But Ricky Williams is!

OTHER RUNNING BACKS: I need some Gatorade!

RICKY WILLIAMS: I need some snacks! I got the munchies!

With other running backs, they are so fast, when they run past the defender you might say, “Man, he really smoked them!”

With Ricky Williams on the field, you never know, he might have REALLY tried to smoke them!

JUSTIN: This is just another twist in Williams’ roller coaster career that started at the University of Texas where he not only won the Heisman Trophy but also broke the all time rushing record but also the most co-eds banged in a single season record.

HOG: Wow! I didn’t know they keep official sex stats in college!

That sucks because the back of my trading card would say, “DID NOT PLAY”.

JUSTIN: Once in the NFL, Williams was a hot prospect but got off on the wrong foot right away by posing in a wedding dress with Mike Ditka to celebrate his coming to the New Orleans Saints in a draft day deal. And then he compounded his problems by signing with Master P “Uhhhhhhh ni nah ni nah” as his agent. 

HOG: Why would you trust a rapper like Master P to be your agent? He should have signed with Snoop Dogg! Because you know Snoop would have Ricky Williams’ pot smoking interests at heart!

If Snoop Dogg negotiated Ricky Williams’ contract:

3 years, 3.5 million dime bags.

JUSTIN: His eight year deal with the Saints was so filled with incentives (that Williams didn’t meet) that he barely made $500,000 his first year in the NFL. That may be a lot of money to you and me but for the first player picked in the 1998 NFL draft it was chump change.

HOG: Yeah, athletes have to live off that money for the rest of their life. Or else they have to do Just For Men hair coloring commercials.

JUSTIN: After that Williams played decently for the Saints but never really broke through until in 2002 when he was traded for two first round draft picks to the Miami Dolphins. In hindsight, is it ever really a good idea to trade a guy with a know drug habit to the drug capital of the country? 


True. That’s like trading someone who has a weakness for prostitutes to Los Angelesthe Record Company capital of the world.

JUSTIN: Still Williams shined in the Dolphin backfield leading the league in rushing and bong hits in 2002 and 2003. He was on his way to becoming one of the premier running backs in the league until he abruptly retired in 2004. 

HOG: Ricky Williams was so great at smoking pot, the Dolphins retired his football jersey with the number 420.

JUSTIN: Prior to the 2004 season though there were signs that something had changed in Williams.  When he returned to camp from a vacation in Australia (remember the castaways from "Lost" were also coming from Australia when they crashed) with a shaved head and his trademark dreadlocks gone. 

I mean, imagine if Bob Marley had shown up for his world tour with a shaved head, would you be worried? 

HOG: Yeah, I heard that Ricky Williams had no more dreadlocks because he smoked them.


COACH: Williams! Next play, you roll right!

RICKY “REEFER” WILLIAMS: You got it Coach! I roll it right, I roll it left, I roll it tight… I roll it up and smoke it!


RICKY WILLIAMS: “Pass it to me! Pass it to me!”

HIS TEAMMATES: “Wow! You really want the ball!”

RICKY WILLIAMS: “Yeah! The Eight Ball!”

JUSTIN: Williams then decided to retire at the peak of his career because “he wanted to get on with his life.”  Translation: It sucks not to be able to smoke pot and I’m tired of banging American Chicks. 

HOG: What a life. I’d like to one day get tired of boinking of American chicks. I think that only happens after 3 or 4 thousand chicks.

NOTE TO MY GIRLFRIEND: I love you. I will never get tired of boinking you. You are super boinkable. And besides, you can always put on a blonde wig and talk with a Swedish accent. In fact, tonight let’s play: You are the Swedish tourist whose car broke down and I am the Puerto Rican auto mechanic who wants to help you out but you have no money. My, what ever will you do?

NOTE TO EVERYONE READING THIS: I am sorry I got so graphic. It won’t happen again.

NOTE TO MYSELF: Don’t lie to everyone. Yes it will.

JUSTIN: The Dolphins however who had built their entire team around Williams and the running game were screwed like that p*rn star Houston in her attempt to break the gang bang record. 

HOG: Dude, you are waaaaaaay too into that Houston gangbanging bim! Long lines are meant for All-you-can-Eat Chinese Food buffets-- not women.

JUSTIN: Not only did they have an awful season but head coach Dave Wannstedt was fired as a result.  That wasn’t it though, on his way out of the NFL Williams decided to screw over anyone he missed by saying that lots of players in the league smoked pot and that it was easy to beat a drug test. 

Ouch.  Not only did he screw over his team mates by retiring on short notice but he also ratted half the NFL in the process.  It wasn’t until after Ricky had started to travel the world ala Jules Winnfield in Pulp Fiction that reports were leaked that Williams had failed his third drug test and would have not only been suspended by the league for four games but also fined $650,000.  Suddenly things were all becoming a little clearer.

HOG: Unlike his eyes, which are getting redder.

I heard Ricky Williams tried to change his position to linebacker because he wanted to go after “the sack.”

JUSTIN: After a year away from football Williams went on tour with Lenny Kravitz, took classes in Holistic Medicine and traveled the world. 

However while he was out, the Dolphins decided to give Ricky a little bit of payback for his "f*ck you" and  announced that they were going to sue him for the return of his $8,000,000 signing bonus, hence Williams decided to return to football and play for the Dolphins.

He apologized to his team, paid back a percentage of his signing bonus and served out his four game suspension.  He was back and even went on to rush for 743 yards on 168 carries. 

Everything was coming up roses until once again on February 20th, 2006 the NFL announced that Williams had violated the NFL drug policy for the FOURTH TIME and would be suspended for the entire 2006 season. Williams went on to say that he was “disappointed with the decision but looked forward to returning to the Dolphins in 2007.”  But if I’m a Dolphin fan I wouldn’t hold my breath!

HOG: That’s because Ricky Williams IS holding his breath… and exhaling a large cloud of smoke.

See my newest Dating Advice Video!

JUSTIN: Facing an entire season without football there is now a rumor that the Toronto Argonauts of the Canadian Football league, otherwise know as the “Who Cares League”, are interested in signing Williams to a one year deal to play football. 

HOG: Canadian League? Ricky Williams needs to go to the Mexican League! That’s where they keep the good stuff! If Ricky Williams plays in Toronto, he’ll smoke the Maple Leaf right off the Canadian flag!

JUSTIN: Evidently even if a player is under suspension in the NFL, the CFL can still sign him while he’s out.  Williams has not stated whether or not that he is interested but if he has legitimate plans of ever playing in the NFL he might want to consider playing in Canada in order to save what’s left of his fading career.  

HOG: Now starting… for the Montreal Mary Janes… at Half Baked… I mean, Half BackRicky “Dirt Weed” Williams!!!

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