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Ridiculous Things About the Mars Mission

by HogWild

So what if we DO find that life once existed on Mars? Then what? We study why it went extinct 8 bazillion years ago?

Because why? We think we can prevent our extinction if we avoid what happened to the Martians?

Dude, we donít even know what happened to the dinosaurs. And those huge bastards weíre right here on our own freakiní planet. Now we want to find out if there was life on Mars?

How about first we discover if there is life on Wyoming? I mean, of course plants and some people live there, but I know there are some parts of that great square state that no one has ever been to because itís just too boring.


I bet Lewis & Clark were about to trek through there, but it was too dangerous. They almost yawned to death. So instead they went to California to find gold digging women.

We have this crazy fascination with Mars. Why not Venus? Whatís wrong with Venus? It seems about as close as Mars. Us humans usually want to go somewhere warmer. Going to Venus is like going to Florida for winter vacation.  Going to Mars in January just doesnít make sense.

I like the Mars Rover though. Itís cool. But you know how they took military vehicles like Jeeps and Hummers and started letting people drive them to the mall? Itís only a matter of stupidity before rappers are driving around in the Mars Rover. All 6 wheels now have 47 inch chrome rims. Blasting 50 Cent while using billion dollar NASA technology to maneuver into a parallel parking spot on 23rd Street. Using the robotic arms to collect artifacts like the tangled bicycle of the Chinese food delivery man.

I canít understand why Bush wants to invade ------ visit Mars. For what? So his boy Dick Cheney can get his company Halliburton a new trillion dollar construction gig? "Itís important that we create a stabilized democracy on Mars as an example to the other planets in the region. Already, Jupitarians are allowing inspections of their planet."

Itís crazy. States are cutting funding to health plans for poor KIDS. Poor kids. For real. Check it out. Kids who have no money can no longer get free check-ups. But we are gonna build a stadium for the New York Jets on the West Side of a Martian crater.

I love science. Itís important. I believe we should learn as much as we can so we can better understand our environment and ourselves. But spending billions when we are already trillions in debt is a tough sell to me. 

Especially billions in search of bacteria. I mean, Americans already spend billions each year to KILL bacteria. Now we wanna be friends. Letís make up our damn minds! 

First we supported Saddam in the 80ís. Then we tried to kill him in the 90ís. Then he was irrelevant. Then he was important. Why canít we be freakiní consistent? 

So today bacteria are important and we donít have enough of it here on our own door knobs and toilet seats. We need to travel 60 million miles to MAYBE find some more. And what if itís DANGEROUS bacteria? Here on Earth, bacteria are one of the top killers of humans. Malaria, SARS, mad cow disease, tuberculosis, salmonella, gingivitis. That would suck. To actually die of gingivitis. Is that even possible? I mean, you can kill OTHER people with your gingivitis.

So astronauts will come back with alien bacteria on their suits, infect us all. And we all die trying to figure out how to not become extinct like Martians. Irony blows.

Now theyíre talking about someday colonizing Mars. Ridiculous. I guess they think it is similar to Los Angeles. Because of the light gravity, the womenís boobies will be like L.A. boobies and never sag. But the other thing like L.A. is that you canít breathe the air.

American colonists in the 1600s came here to for more freedoms. Self-government. To make a living. It was a very difficult life for colonists. Harsh weather. Hostile Natives. No Baby Gap. But they had strong reasons for trying to settle the land. 

What are our important reasons for settling Mars? Itís something to do. It makes politicians seem like they have ďvision.Ē Okay, whatever. We have plenty of inhospitable places to live right here on Earth! The Arctic. The Sahara. The Bronx. But you donít hear a guy running for President with a bold new vision for settling the South Pole. Because itís not sexy. Mars. Now thatís sexy.


Before I die, itís important that I can go onto expedia.com and book a cheap flight to Washington Martian Base IV (with a connection in Atlanta). And while Iím there Iíll see the major tourist attractions, buy some t-shirts, get my hair braided, and sample the local flavor like Red Lobster and Barnes & Noble.  


All I know is, I ainít liviní on the Moon or Mars or anywhere like that if they allow dogs. Now, I LOVE dogs. But I hate their owners. Because I KNOW you lazy bums will, at least on occasion, not pick up their doggy-doody. I mean, I hate even STEPPING in dog poop.

But I will not tolerate getting hit in the face with your furry friendís floating feces. 

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