Reading Between the Lines of Martha Stewart's Letter

Jokes & Funny Pictures

by HogWild

Martha Stewart wrote a letter to her fans on her website after her release from prison. (Yes, I read Martha Stewart's web site. Women who cook are hot!) I have translated what she REALLY meant:
 

"Reading Between the Lines of Martha Stewart's Letter"
 

MARTHA: "The experience of the last five months in Alderson, West Virginia, has been life altering and life affirming."
 

TRANSLATION: Being locked up with those chain-smoking redneck women, many of whom have more tattoos than teeth, has changed my life. I never before experienced fresh vegetables in such a vulgar and hurtful manner. I am glad just to be alive.

MARTHA: "Someday, I hope to have the chance to talk more about all that has happened, the extraordinary people I have met here, and all that I have learned."

TRANSLATION: In the near future, I will publish a "tell-all book", exploiting those unfortunate and uncultured women, many of whom were actually victims of their own success -- just like me! I learned many things from these women. I learned that real power is not derived from money and career, but by sitting on a person's face with all of your weight.

MARTHA: "I can tell you now that I feel very fortunate to have had a family who nurtured me, the advantage of an excellent education, and the opportunity to pursue the American dream."

TRANSLATION: Next time I won't get caught. Cuz I ain't never goin' back to the clink! You hear me? NEVER!

MARTHA: "You can be sure I will never forget the friends I met here, all that they have done to help me during these five months, their children, and the stories they have told me."

TRANSLATION: In return for not forcing me to eat trailer-trash cooch 12 hours a day, I have many favors to repay. The stories they have told me continue to haunt my nightmares. One woman confided in me that she has had -- in her entire life -- but one glass of Chardonnay. And at room temperature. ROOM TEMPERATURE!!!!

MARTHA: "Right now, as you can imagine, I am thrilled to be returning to my more familiar life."
 

TRANSLATION: Finally I can bake my meatloaf in total privacy.

MARTHA: "My heart is filled with joy at the prospect of the warm embraces of my family, friends, and colleagues."

TRANSLATION: I can't wait to get back to work.

MARTHA: "Certainly, there is no place like home."

TRANSLATION: Especially since I can't leave it without this ankle bracelet going off.

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