If you're mad bootleg like me, you want to have a Memorial Day Barbecue Party but you don't have much money. (Okay, I admit it. I roll into the 99 Cent store with exact change.)

So I'm gonna teach you how to throw your own Bootleg Memorial Day Barbecue, HogWild Style!

*** WHAT'S COOKIN' GOOD LOOKIN'? ***

You have no grill? No problem!

You don't need a barbecue to have a barbecue!

Let's do it old-school. REALLY old-school.

1 - Put a bunch of rocks in a circle.
2 - Throw some leaves and sticks inside.
3 - Light it on fire.
4 - You know that screen door you have? Pull off the screen and use it to cover the fire.

TADA!! You have a bootleg barbecue grill!

NOTE: If you're like me and you don't have a backyard because you live in the city, you can do the same basic thing but with a sidewalk garbage can. This is called the "Homeless Man's BBQ."

Expect exciting extra flavors on your burger like Wet Newspaper, Rotten Banana Peel, and Dog Sh!t! (C'mon, you had to know that brown liquid wasn't A1 Steak Sauce! More like #2 Sauce.)



The food for your Bootleg Memorial Day Barbecue can get expensive, so make your Memorial Day Party BYOB. (Bring Your Own Burger.)

And...
BYOC (Chicken)
BYON (Napkins)
BYOP (Plates)
BYOS (Seat)

But don't worry, I'll cover the rest!!

You did bring the mustard, right? No?! GODDAMMIT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BRING THE F&^KING MUSTARD!! HOW HARD IS THAT?!!!


*** HOT CHICKS LOVE TO DANCE TO RUSH (LIMBAUGH) ***

We got the summer tunes jammin' out of my silver Panasonic Dual Cassette Deck Boom Box.

NOTE: The antenna is broken so you get your choice of my old Debbie Gibson tape or AM talk radio. Hey, nothing says Party-Time like AM Talk Radio!

*** JESUS H. CHRISTMAS!!! ***

What? No one brought burgers? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU IDIOTS?!!!

Okay. Not to worry. I've got some meat here in this drawer.

I got barbecue sauce and bologna. Bologna slices kinda taste like hamburgers when you grill them, slap them on a bun, and you're high from sniffing paint thinner.

What? No one brought paint thinner? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU IDIOTS?!!!!

Okay, you dopes are in luck. I made my special Bootleg Bean Soup. That's where I finish a can of baked beans and fill up the empty can with hot water and drink it. Mmmm. Delicious.

*** REMEMBER OUR WAR VETERANS WHO SACRIFICED THEIR LIVES FOR OUR FREEDOM ***

We are taking a time-out from our kick-ass bootleg barbecue to visit a local playground.

Now we will teach the 6 year olds playing in the sandbox the true meaning of Memorial Day.

WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING?!! HOW DARE YOU LAUGH AND PLAY IN SAND WHILE OUR BRAVE SOLDIERS ARE DYING IN THE DESERTS OF IRAQ!!! TRAITORS!!!

TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY-TORS!!!!!

When the first kid starts to cry, look both ways, then run like hell.

*** OFF THE DEEP END ***

Now I hear some of those fancy-shancy Memorial Day Barbecues will have a pool party.

I'm too bootleg to have a pool, but I'm emptying the mop bucket and filling it with cold water... so you guys can line up and roll up your pants for a foot-dunkin' time!

SAFETY NOTE: Please wait at least 30 minutes after eating until you go a foot dunkin'.

Okay guys, let's get back to the food because your 99 cent bottles of malt liquor are getting warm and your BBQ Bologna Burgers are getting cold!

Happy Memorial Day! Viva la America!

*** TIE A YELLOW RIBBON AROUND THE OLD OAK TREE TO HONOR A SOLDIER, TIE A YELLOW RIBBON AROUND YOUR NECK TO LOOK GAY ***

To honor World War II at your Bootleg Memorial Day Barbecue, round up all your Asian guests and make them sit in a fenced-off "containment area." Now punch all your Jewish friends in the face.

Memorial Day Weekend is all about fun and war. So we'll watch Platoon and Schindler's List all night! Pass the Sno-caps!

*** CORNY-ON-THE-COB ***

Hey look, I have a bunch of corn in my mouth! I got gold crunk in my grill like those rappers, right?! Hey, where are you guys going?! C'mon!

You haven't even touched your BBQ Bologna Burgers!!!