Remember the term "going postal"? The phrase was popularized by post office workers going bonkers and killing their co-workers. Well this is the best "going postal" story I've ever heard:

This dude, James Flemons, moseys into work with a self-made samurai sword... and smites his co-worker to death!

Awesome!

NOTE: Not so awesome for the victim.

Okay so this 30 year old crazy dude James Flemons got a bit peeved because his co-workers constantly teased him about his love of the board game Dungeons & Dragons. He says the victim, Anthony Williams, was a bully.

See! CHILDREN set a bad example! All we hear about are kids in school who get bullied because they are "different" then go nuts and kill people in the school.

NOTE: Different = dorky.

We need to PROTECT our adults from the influences of children!

Adults must no longer be allowed to play violent strategy games, watch R-Rated movies or listen to international news coverage.

Children are a BAD influence on adults. Pretty soon we'll see grown men skateboarding, eating Skittles, and not brushing before bed.

The name of the company where Flemons works is called Peerless Metal Powders & Abrasive. It WAS called Peer Metal, but then he murdered all his Peers.

Flemons actually made the murder weapon AT work. That's pretty cool.

CO-WORKER: Whatcha workin' on Flemons?
FLEMONS: Oh, just a samurai sword. It's a hobby of mine.
CO-WORKER: That's cool. Hey, you don't plan to slice off Williams' head with that thing, do you?
FLEMONS: Um... not sure yet.
CO-WORKER: Okay cool. Just asking because Williams has that corner office with the window.
 

Listen. We all gotta die some way. Why not in a cool way? I'll tell you right now... I'd rather die from a stingray to the heart or -- as in this case -- "multiple chop wounds to the neck" than dying of cancer.

Yes Dungeons & Dragons fans, that was the official cause of death... the medical examiner ruled that Williams died as a result of "multiple chop wounds to the neck." And by the time a Level 7 Cleric was summoned to the scene, it was too late to even cast the Cure Serious Wounds spell.

And you gotta guess this Dungeons & Dragons guy wasn't too smooth with the ladies.

FLEMONS TO HOT GIRL: I love you! I'll give you everything in my Inventory! I've got a Battle Axe! Please! I need the Experience Points! I even brought protection. I'm wearing chain-mail underwear!

So after slaughtering the guy, Flemons buys a beer and a cigar at a convenience store. Then he returns to the scene of the crime and positions his victim's body as if it was on a cross. Whoa.

Then he opens celebrates his victory by drinking the beer and smoking the cigar as he waits for the police to arrive.

Um, if he's all into Dungeons & Dragons, shouldn't he be drinking mead and suiting up in body armor to fight all the King's men?

Plus, it turns out Flemons was convicted of felonious assault for attacking his uncle with a samurai sword in 1998! What? Damn liberals and their liberal laws! Where are the tough sentences for samurai sword attacks?

I say, if you attack anyone with any of the following items you are a Certified Nut Job and should be locked up in a rubber room for life:

* Samurai Sword
* Bow & Arrow
* Catapult
* Magical Staff of Snakes
 

Flemons admits he is obsessed with magic, fantasy, the occult, voodoo, Santeria, telekinesis and spirits.

Now, I didn't even know what the hell Santeria was. I thought it was a word that Sublime made up for their song. Santeria is like a Cuban version of voodoo mixed with Catholicism. Like Sangria except less fruity.

Now I will reveal to you the most shocking thing of all... Flemons is... a black dude!

Holy crap! I would never have guessed in a million years it was a black guy! A Dungeons & Dragons black dork gets picked on and takes revenge at work with a samurai sword? Whoa!

This shows that Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.’s dream of equality has come to fruition! Black people can now be just as crazy as white people!


And wasn't it Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. who once said, "Let a man not be judged by the color of his skin, but by the content of his character. Of course, I am referring to a man's Dungeons & Dragon character, be it fighter, mage or elf."

“We let Freedom ring from every village and every hamlet, from every high school lunch room and every dorm common area in every Engineering University, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, halflings and elves, dwarves and trolls, orcs and dragons, will be able to join hands... for some much needed human contact.”

*** HOGWILD EXCLUSIVE!!! ***

Thanks to The Freedom of Information Act and HogWild's on-crack Investigative Team, we can now show you these previously classified photographs of Dr. King::

So Flemons' lawyer is of course pleading insanity. He says Flemons is nutty and should be in a mental institution. He gets on his soapbox and proclaims, "This is a case about whether, as a society, we hold the psychotic responsible for every act they commit."

Yeah. So let's NOT hold them accountable. That way we have more nut jobs running around beheading people.

There are 3 lessons to be learned here:

1 - Don't bully people! In the old days, if you picked on people they would cry and see a therapist for the rest of their life. But not any more!

2 - Companies need to stop employing psychotic freakazoids. When will the COMPANY be sued for endangering the lives of its employees by hiring dangerous psychos? Every one of you reading this at work can think of that 1 person in your office who might snap at any time.

HINT: If you can't think of who that person might be... please... slowly, put down the nun-chucks and remember to take your little happy pills.

3 - Board games lead to violence.

# 3 is the real culprit here. For years, we've been hearing about video games and blah blah blah. But even after years of Grand Theft Auto, violent crime in America is DOWN.

And tell me, after playing a violent video game, how many times have YOU picked up a double barrel photon gun and went on the hunt for Aliens?

BUT... tell me, after playing a board game like, say, MONOPOLY... how many times have YOU nearly choked a loved one?

Case closed.