JUSTIN: By the time you read this someone will have already won the National League Championship but since the Mets are playing and it's HogWild’s favorite team I couldn't resist.

Dude, if the Mets lose I think you might shave your head, become a monk and never watch sports again. 

Or if the Mets win, I think you might run n@ked down the streets of Manhattan and spend the next two weeks in jail being some dude named Angel's b!tch. 

HOG: Dude, if I shaved my head every time the Mets disappointed, I’d might as well have a year round buzz cut.

I love them, but they’re the METS! That’s why they call them The Miracle Mets. Because it’s a miracle when they win. For baseball, the Mets are the anti-Paris Hilton. It’s NEVER easy.

LET’S GO METS!

JUSTIN: It's Game 7 of the National League Championship and it’s all down to WIN or GO HOME. So who do HogWild’s beloved Mets have pitching for them?

With Orlando Hernandez nursing a calf injury, Pedro Martinez resting a shoulder that’ll need surgery and Tom Glavine already having pitched two nights ago, the Mets are going with none other than Oliver Perez. Perez is the Mexican Orphan that the Mets got when they traded away Kris Benson and his wife’s big old t!tties.

HOG: Yup, stupid slutty Anna Benson caused such a controversy that the Mets had to trade one of their good pitchers for a crappy pitcher.

HOG: This all comes down to what we learned in the Bible: Women cause all the problems in the world.

A woman made Adam eat the apple and a woman made the Mets start Oliver Perez. When will this feminine oppression end?! When will men be free to pee all over the floor next to the toilet?

When will men be free to make WHATEVER sounds we please, WHENEVER we please, and blame it on WHOEVER we please?

JUSTIN: AMEN!

HOG: LET’S GO MEN!

JUSTIN: A friend of mine has a friend of the family who used to be the trainer for the Yankees... he told me a story about how Orlando Hernandez got his nickname "El Duque."

HOG: Here is a flashback to 1999 when El Duque 1st swam to America from Cuba:

JUSTIN: Evidently, the nickname "El Duque" has nothing to do with his being a former Spanish Duke (he's not) but was a nickname that his teammates gave to his Anaconda-size pen!s.

So if the Mets make the World Series and Hernandez gets to pitch, that will be me giggling every time Joe Buck says, "El Duque's slinging heat tonight."

HOG: HA HA HA!! “It’s a backdoor slider from El Duque.”

“El Duque with the high hard one.”

“El Duque brushes him back with a hard one that came dangerous close to his chin!”

“El Duque digs in… rears backs… and fires a strike, high and tight!”

“El Duque goes the distance!”

“The count is 2 balls on El Duque…”

I have like 47 more of these… but you don’t really want to hear about El Duque’s head first slide into home, do you?

Why would you call a guy’s pen!s, The Duke? That makes no sense. Does it conduct itself like royalty? Does it wear a little majestic red robe?

JUSTIN: Dude, if my pen!s was of mythical size I would wear a cape around my Duke every day! And then I would hire midgets to walk around with me and announce my pen!s every where we went.

Midgets: His highness, the Duke of Beaverton, has arrived!
 

HOG: Man, I can't believe you'd only use your huge pen!s to aggrandize your ego. If I had a crazy-size pen!s, I'd use it for good. Like, if I saw a cat stuck in a tree... I would throw my jammy up there like a ladder so the kitty could climb down.

A woman is drowning somewhere in the middle of the ocean? Guess who just whipped out a lifeline?

LET’S GO METS!

JUSTIN: Perez the Mets "Ace" who won a whopping three games this season while only losing thirteen managed to hurl his way to an impressive 6.55 ERA. For those non-baseball fans that means that on average if the Mets wanted to win when "Lights out" Perez was pitching they needed to score 6 ½ runs a game. To put this in context, Perez pitching against Albert Pujols and the St. Louis Cardinals is the EXACT opposite of the infamous Chi Ali vs. HogWild battle in 1987.

HOG: Dude, don’t compare me to Oliver Perez. Oliver Perez is frustrating because he has lots of untapped potential. I never had potential.

I played WITHOUT potential. That’s why I’m awesome. I was a Little League All-Star without exceptional talent or coaches who were also family members. I played hard. Like El Duque.

LET’S GO BONER!

JUSTIN: The Cardinals on the other hand have veteran Jeff Suppan and his mediocre 4.22 ERA pitching. But while the Cards obviously have the pitching advantage they do have one thing going against them and that’s when the pressure is on they tend to choke like a dog eating peanut butter.

HOG: Dogs choke on peanut butter? I had no idea. So maybe if I wipe some peanut butter on my brother’s dog, it will make him stop licking himself?

JUSTIN: The Cardinals are the same team that got swept by the Boston Red Sox, a team that hadn’t won a title since 1918. Then the Cardinals followed it up the next year by getting beat by the Houston Astros, a team that went on to get swept by the White Sox -- a team that hadn’t won a title since 1917.

So, much like a rich dude on a date with Paris Hilton the Mets are bound to get lucky.

HOG: Paris Hilton IS rich. It doesn’t take money to get laid with Paris Hilton. It takes a wiener. That is the only requirement. So El Duque is over-qualified.

JUSTIN: So who is going to win? Well both teams have powerful lineups and both teams have crappy pitching so it's pretty even on paper. But since the game is being played in Queens I am predicting that it will rain. 

HOG: HA HA HA!

JUSTIN: Seriously Mets 9 Cardinals 8 with Perez becoming the new Mayor of Queens.

HOG: Isn’t that a TV show?

LET’S GO METS!

NOTE: The Mets lost. Oliver Perez pitched a great game. But the Mets were like Britney Spears' recent career: without hits.

Ah, so the Mets season is over.

LET’S GO JETS!