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New Year's Eve at Times Square in New York City

by HogWild

Nothing reminds me more that we are animals than our unchanged process of waste discharge. Think of the advancements we’ve had in the past 1000 years. Television, K-Mart, space travel, tooth paste, imitation bacon bits. But one thing has not improved: the way we move our bowels.

Whether you’re rich or poor you must still squat, drop, and roll up the toilet tissue. We must still shoot the yellow stream when our bladders are full. What an inconvenience this is! I mean, when I’m watching a football game, or Judge Judy, or reruns of Facts of Life, it always seems I have to pee just when my team is about to score, Judge Judy will give her ruling, or Tootie will be in a bathing suit. And sometimes I just can’t hold it until the commercials! There should be a device that we implant in our bodies that EVAPORATES the urine so we never have to pee. Then we collect the urea dust say, every 6 months. Kinda like the bag in your vacuum. But NOOOOOO, they can’t make that! We’ve been able to make 8 Rocky Movies and craftmatic adjustable beds, but no Urine Evaporators!

Why they gotta give the BLACK girl the Hooker name?!

Tootie. Why they gotta give the BLACK girl the Hooker name?!

That’s what I’ll invent—P-B-Gone™. Your solution to the inconveniences of being a human. And that’s what almost RUINED my New Year’s experience at Times Square in New Yack City. You know, the Big Crab Apple. I am originally from New York, the boogie-down Bronx, but I’ve living in a parallel Universe for the past 6 years now. Some people call it Ohio. Anyhoo, I take the woman to Times Sqaure for the Big New Year’s Bash. Just me and her and 2 million foreigners.

I swear not one person there was from NY. Everybody was from Germany, or Finland, or Minnesota. So we get there at 4pm. There were already like 3 gazillion people. The Ball drops at 42nd street, the closest we could get was 49th. But not bad really. We had a great view of the action. Except you know how the ball looks HUGE on TV? The ball was this big from where we were: * That’s right, we saw the * drop. "Mrs. Potato-Head (the woman) is like "is that it honey?" I’m like, "No, that’s a pigeon."

From a distance, the Ball can be mistaken for pigeon droppings.



So we had this great view but we had to stand there for 8 hours. EIGHT HOURS! Imagine 8 hours without peeing. It can’t be done. There was a man on the corner selling bootleg Rolexes, gold chains, and Depends undergarments. I would have purchased a pair but he wouldn’t accept Credit Cards.


And that’s ANOTHER thing. Damn Discover Card sponsored the event. And, I like Discover Card, or, at least I did. But not after 8 hours of non-stop force-fed advertising. When you’re staring straight ahead at the giant TV screens, the top one only showed Discover commercials. God I just wanted to rip up my Discover card right there! And Discover did such a lame job of trying to entertain us. On the Giant TV they had this bootleg trivia. The screen would flash: "TRIVIA TIME" and we get all excited because we’re all bored as hell. "QUESTION: When did Discover first introduce it’s Annual Cashback Awards with no-annual fee credit? 1981, 1972, 1992, or 1974?" Ahhhhhhh! The anguish! You’d think they’d actually throw in a REAL trivia question just to keep our attention, but no! "QUESTION: Discover Card is accepted at how many fine retail establishments around the world? 100,000, 500,000, 1 million, or 5 million?" How about, "Who cares you bastards!" I know I was not the only person at that point HOPING for a terrorist attack.


So at this point 2 hours go by, and Mrs. Potato-Head is coughing her brains out and snotting up a storm. Poor girl was sick I made her go to Times Square. Being that we were tightly surrounded by 5,000 people she might have accidentally started a plague. Man we were packed in TIGHT. If for some reason I would have popped a S.B. (spontaneous boner) the guy in front of me would have filed a lawsuit for sexual assault with a small weapon. But in general everything was okay. But then these OBNOXIOUS college kids come rumbling through. They’re drunk. They’re stupid. I think they were wearing signs stating "Watch out, A-holes coming through!" And they were pushing their way up to the front AS IF they’d be able to make 7 more streets up to the stage. Nub was like, "we’re gonna push our way to the MTV studios!" No you’re not. You’re gonna push your way into my FIST jackass! These were the probably the same meat-head buttpirates who ruined Woodstock ’99. Losers. While the rest of us are trying to enjoy ourselves, they’re pushing people. While we were trying to answer the question, "Discover Card issued its first IPO on the NYSE in what year?" they were busy throwing litter at people. Bastards. I just wanted to eat an onion and spit in their eye.

You don't realize how stinky people are until their armpit is mashed up against your mouth.


But I didn’t. I remained calm. Mrs. P on the other hand was not havin’ it. When she got pushed she screamed in this poor nub’s FACE: "stop pushing me you dickless loser!" Wow. That dude got quiet quick. I guess he really didn’t have a jammy. Ouch. So then we’re up to 3 hours and 30 minutes of waiting. That’s when these nasty hoes next to us broke. Now don’t get me wrong, there we mad hotties up in there. Mmm, this one Swedish bim with a bad accent. I wanted to Bork Bork Bork her! But these nasty-ass tuna-fish breath hoes next to us decided they could no longer hold their bladders. Now the thing was, to pee you had to leave the fenced off area. Once you did that, the cops wouldn’t let you back in. So in other words, you leave, you lose. Kinda sucked. BUT, it does NOT EXCUSE their actions!


This snaggle-tooth slut decides, "if I can’t leave to pee, I’ll pee right here!" Nooo! Now I didn’t notice it until 7 of her similarly crusty-cooched friends formed a circle of tramps around her. They’re all in this circle facing outwards protecting her privacy in front of a potential 2 million voyeurs. And this defiling, DISGUSTING, downright dirty dame starts PEEING in a Pringles can! She was pissing into a can right in front of us. EWWW!! It was SOOOO nasty. Then, as if she’s worried about hygiene, she borrows a tissue from someone to wipe herself! Ahh! I wanted to puke. Then to make it worse, she puts the plastic lid on the tall can and sits it next to our feet. Helloooo?!! Nasty-ho? Anybody home? Get your urine away from me!

pringles.can.jpg (5869 bytes)A Pringles Can should NOT be used as a bootleg port-a-potty.

Then, of course she knocks the can over and some of her buttnasty pee spills out. Then some nub decides he can’t stand anymore and he SITS right in her yellow puddle! Then at the same time, those idiot guys to our right start peeing. This one freak is excreting his fluids into a PLASTIC BAG! I’m like, that’s it, we’re outta here. Enough is enough.


I felt cheated. I was so angry. 3 hours of waiting wasted. Down the tubes. The Urethra tubes. Was I a wus for leaving at that point? I dunno. Sure I could have survived, but it just wasn’t fun anymore. So me and Mrs. P left and walked around Manhatin’ (Manhattan). We saw the big Christmas Tree, the Rockefeller Center Ice Skating Rink, we had fun walking around. Then WE had to pee. Being that we had no plastic bags or Pringles cans, we decided to do what CIVILIZED New Yorkers do: buy something in a restaurant in exchange for use of their roach-infested bathroom. So we actually went to eat dinner. I got a $15 hamburger, she got a $14 salad with a $3.25 Iced T. Wow. I forgot how much of a rip-off Manhatin’ is.


Then it hit me. I would not let those A-holes ruin our New Year’s at Times Square. So we hustled over to like 34th Street to watch. The people were nicer. I think it was because they were from Nebraska. I actually heard one of them use the words "sorry" and "please". Amazing.


And the Police were incredible. The NYPD was really awesome. They were courteous in the face of rude people. They were helpful and very friendly! It almost makes you think that they all don’t carry plungers waiting to impale poor immigrants in their anuses. The cops even posed for pictures! I’ll have to post my picture with a riot gear officer IF JEREMY EVER GETS OFF HIS LAZY FAT RUMP TO DEVELOP IT!

The NYPD in action. They were awesome. Though they didn't arrest the people for public grossness.


So as the clock was at 30 seconds left until 2000, Mrs. P and I are in some stupid argument as usu-al. I couldn’t believe it, would we ring in ANOTHER New Year with bickering? I’m thinking, "God, if you exist, you will make this woman shut up and kiss me." And she did! And that’s why I believe in God. Because no one else could possibly keep that woman quiet. But for 30 seconds she was and we enjoyed a nice kiss to bring in the new millennium. And then she coughed up a huge green loogey.

Would have thought my belief in God would be reaffirmed surrounded by Nudie-Mag shops and Liquor Stores. If only the Church would install a Naughty Magazine Rack . . .


We stayed to watch some of the Fireworks then jetted on the subway to momdukes house in Queens.

ny.2000.fw.jpg (25631 bytes)

We made it! Hooray! Nothing has changed, but, HOORAY!

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