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NFL Thanksgiving Football vs. Barbra Streisand & The Lifetime Network

 

NFL Thanksgiving Jokes + Twisted Humor

expert dating advice

Justin Sanders with HogWild

JUSTIN: There are things in this world that go hand in hand like beer and buffalo wings (or Wine Coolers in your case Hog), strippers and coke and most importantly football and Thanksgiving.

HOG: Hey! Iíve been known to throw down a manly strawberry margarita or two!

JUSTIN: I can't imagine celebrating the day our forefathers ripped off the Indians and gave them small pox without watching football!

HOG: Woohoo! Small pox!

Donít you know that is everything the NFL stands for?!  NFL = Natives Forfeiting Land.

JUSTIN: BRILLIANT!

I don't know about you Hogleg, but whether itís the Detroit Lions, the Dallas Cowboys or even the annual University of Texas vs. Texas A&M (held the day after Thanksgiving but still tradition) football has always gone hand in hand with Thanksgiving at my house. 

HOG: Hogleg? Youíre making me hungry!

In my family, the Thanksgiving tradition is screaming. Mom screaming at my dad. Grandma screaming at Grandpa. Uncle screaming at his kids. Kids screaming at the video game console. Neighbors screaming at us to quiet down. Even the dead turkey in the middle of the table belts out one last scream.

JUSTIN: When I was little my family would always host Thanksgiving which meant that we always had plenty of people for our annual turkey day football game. Whenever this game started there were always 2 things that were certain:

1. I was going to burn somebody deep for a touchdown and

2. One of my drunk out-of-shape uncles would leave the game with a horrific injury.

HOG: Wait, you guys actually PLAY football? I thought you meant watch. I wish my family had that kind of coordination. Last year my dad got injured passing the salt.

JUSTIN: I still remember the Thanksgiving of Ď79. I caught two touchdown passes (you can look at the stat sheet I forced my grandmother to keep), my Uncle Bill knocked my Aunt Barbara out of the game on a safety blitz and my grandfather killed a six foot rattlesnake on the thirty yard line. True story, ahhhh Texas.

HOG: Whoa! Thatís cool! The only 6 foot snake I ever saw growing up in the Bronx was when the guy came to snake out the toilet AFTER Thanksgiving dinner.

Aaaaaaaaaw! Gross!

JUSTIN: Hey Hog does your family watch football on Thanksgiving? Or do they just sit around and talk about how much the Jets suck?

HOG: You got half of it right. They sit around and talk. And talk. And talk. And talk. No one is really listening. But there is lots of talking. About the weather. About the traffic. About this strange pain in my shoulder that flares up after eating applesauce on Tuesday. Real exciting stuff.

JUSTIN: If you donít follow football here are a couple of interesting things that about the games on television:

Tony Romo has led the Cowboys to three wins in four games (first place in the NFC East) since replacing Drew Bledsoe at Quarterback and is now supposedly dating Jessica Simpson! Not a bad month for someone who was holding a clip board last month and wacking off to the Lifetime channel.

HOG: HA HA HA!! Wait, IS there anything thatís wack-worthy on Lifetime? Sure, Rose on The Golden Girls was pretty hot for a senior citizen, butÖ

JUSTIN: I've got three words for you, Meredith Baxter Bernie!

The Detroit Lions suck again this year but for some reason they always play well on Thanksgiving when theyíre the underdog. Why does this matter?

Because every family has that one uncle that knows EVERYTHING about football and what better way to shut him up than by taking twenty bucks off of him by betting on the Lions to cover the spread.  It's a sure thing!

HOG: Thanks for the tip! The one thing I know about the Detroit Lions is that Tim Allen always loved them on his show Home Improvement. I also know that Kevin James loves the Jets on his show The King of Queens...

So Iíd like to see these two comedians fight to the death while wearing football uniforms. WaitÖ Kevin James in spandex pants? Delete that thought. Delete dammit! Delete! Pleeeeease, brain, pleeeeease! Oh, the horror!

JUSTIN: This year the Broncos are playing the Chiefs at 8 pm. No big deal but at my house after the Cowboys game was over the women would always take over the TV and weíd be forced to have to watch some sort of holiday program. This year at least you have an excuse to go in the other room and watch MORE football which is much better than having to watch the Barbra Streisand Special or something equally awful!

HOG: It would be awesome, if when women tuned into the Barbra Streisand special, out of no where, the 258 pound Brian Urlacher runs up from behind and sacks Streisand causing her to fumble her dentures.

JUSTIN: Or if College Football is your thing then there's the Boston College vs. Miami football game. Neither team is all that good but earlier this season Miami got into a bench clearing brawl with Florida International which resulted in a record 31 players getting suspended.

So ask yourself, would I rather argue with my relatives all night or do I want to watch college athletes covered in armor beat the hell out of each other on live TV?

HOG: A brief list of things Iíd rather do than argue with my relatives:

* Sit in the bathtub cuddling a toaster oven

* Sit on a Greyhound bus from NYC to LA next to a lactose-intolerant hobo eating cheesecake.

* Put cocaine on my butt hole and sit on Lindsay Lohanís face

JUSTIN: That's called a Cherry Popsicle!

Either way everyone has something to be thankful for whether itís the fact that your surrounded by loved ones and your favorite team won or that you secretly drank yourself into oblivion while the rest of the family watched football. Either way Happy Turkey Day!

HOG: And for you vegetarians: Happy Tofurkey Day, you communist-bastards!

 

 

 

 


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NFL Thanksgiving Football vs. Barbra Streisand. Funny pictures + Twisted Humor.   
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