A 9mm gun is pointed at my head. What the f*ck?!

And this wasn't in some dark alley. This was right on the main strip of bars in the West Village.

It's 1:30 AM, just got done performing. My friend and fellow stand-up comedian Larry Bailey and I leave the club to get something to eat. He sees a girl on the street.

Always polite, he says, "Hello."

NOTE: He might have actually said, "What's up, ma? What are you doing tonight?"

She turns to him and -- unlike most girls who turn up their noses and walk away like their coochie don't stink like a sweaty gym sock --  SHE exclaims, "LARRY!!!"

Turns out they used to work together.

So now the 3 of us walk to get something to eat. We cross the street.

On the corner, SHE sees 2 guys that she knows. She introduces the gentlemen to Larry and myself. As soon as I give the guy the obligatory hand slap, 4 undercover cops come rushing at us, guns in the air...

"UP AGAINST THE WALL!!!!"

My eyes were wide with disbelief. What the hell is going on?

So the officer politely reminded us, "I said...

UP AGAINST THE WALL, M0THERF*CKER!!!

So you've got 2 comedians handcuffed with our hands behind our back and being searched.

The cops are like, "We've been following those 2 guys for 7 months. They're the biggest crack dealers in New York City! How do you know them?"

We were like, "We don't know them! We're comedians! We work across the street!"

Then a girl walks by.

I was like, "Ask HER! She was in the audience!" The girl pauses... her jaw drops... and she walks away briskly.

So I yelled at her, "Have a good night! Come again!"

I'm thinking, "Man, am I gonna go to jail for this sh!t? What if the crack dealer saw the cops and dropped some vials in my jacket pocket?" Every episode of Law & Order flashed before my eyes. Then I start thinking, "If I'm in jail, how am I going to update my web site?"

Then I'm thinking about being in prison... Damn it! I KNEW I should've started working out!

Then I thought of how I would hold in my poop because I don't want to take a crap in jail.

COP SEARCHING ME: Do you have anything that might harm me?
ME: Well, I have an expired condom in my wallet. It's probably not safe to use.
 

He was not amused.

Then this random girl walks up to me...

RANDOM STUPID GIRL: Do you know where I can find the Baggot Pub?
ME: What? Do you see what's going on here? I'm in handcuffs! Look! Guns! Badges! You're in the middle of a crime scene!
RANDOM STUPID GIRL: Wow. Holy crap! So... do you know how to get there?
 

Get the f*ck out of here!

Then, of course, Larry and I get heckled. By other comedians.

JERK COMEDIAN YELLING AT US FROM ACROSS THE STREET: Hey guys! Having a good night? HA HA HA! They did it, officers! They're guilty!"

Comedians are such a$$h0les. Avoid us at all costs. You're suffering some tragedy or something f*cked up is happening and we're mouthing off and coming up with jokes.

By now the cops realize we have nothing to do with this. But we're still standing around in cuffs.

COP: You guys ever play in Long Island?
ME: Yeah. Take 2 tickets out of my front pocket. Can't wait to hang out with guys again.
 

A crowd has formed on the street to watch us.

I'm hoping for the New York Post to show up to cover the story. Maybe I'll get some great free publicity! Because as I'm facing the wall, handcuffed, the back of my hat says, HOGWILD.NET.

How awesome would that be! Front page photo of the newspaper says, "CRACK DOWN! DEALERS BUSTED!" Then in the background is a promo for hogwild.net. Mom would be proud.

So I was detained and treated rudely. If that happened at a restaurant or any other place of business the manager would apologize and offer a discount. Where is my apology? F*ck it! Who cares? Where is my discount?! I want a $50 coupon towards my next traffic ticket!

This one comedian is like, "If that would've happened to me, I would've cursed them out! How DARE they cuff me when I have nothing to do with it! You must not be from New York."

Um, SHE is not from New York. That's why she said that. I grew up here. The Bronx. So I KNOW how the cops operate. And personally, I enjoy the full use of my rectum, so I will not mouth off at the cops when they are armed with 9mm guns, plungers, and friends in the DNA evidence lab.

*** LESSONS LEARNED ***

Never shake hands with someone you don't know. So if you see me on the street or want to say hi after a show, all you're getting is a head nod. That's it!

Sorry, but I don't you! For all I know, the next dude I shake hands with on the street could be Osama bin Laden's cousin or Kim Jong Il's nephew or Mel Gibson.

Oh, and after all this Larry gets his food. I can't eat. I have too much adrenaline pumping. Larry says I look a little shaken up. Um, hell yeah!

We just had guns pointed at our heads and were handcuffed and interrogated. So I told him straight up, "I'm not used to that! I'm white!" Being black, he understood.

The best part of this is as we are walking back, the cops are STILL questioning the 2 suspects AND the girl Larry used to work with. So Larry is about to cross the street to go BACK there because he forgot something really important.

ME: What did you forget?
LARRY: I forgot to get that girl's number.
ME: What?! Are you crazy?
LARRY: Nah, I wanna get with her.
ME: Looks like you might have to wait 5 to 10 years.
 

He agreed he couldn't wait that long.