OSAMA BIN LADEN: Okay people, it's been a while since we've had a major terrorist action. As you can see on this Excel graph, Al-Qaeda Extremist Activity is down 13% from last quarter and 47% from last year.

Our stock is tumbling! Other Terrorist Organizations see this as an opportunity. Hamas, Inc. is plotting a Hostile Takeover of Al-Qaeda Hostilities. We're supposed to be the #1 supplier of global threats!

Do we really want to go back to a time of peace and prosperity?

That's what I thought.

Now I'll turn the meeting over to Senior Marketing Director, Khalid Muhammed Ali Abdul-Jabaar.

ABDUL-JABAAR: Let's bring it back to basics. We all remember the 4 P's of Marketing:

Product.

Price.

Place.

Pipe-Bombs.

While the Bush Administration has done a fantastic job of creating hatred for Americans across the globe, we cannot rely on his hand outs. We must do more ourselves.

We must be sure to increase despair and hopelessness in our target demographic: young, horny men.

Then with intense religious pressure forbidding them from sex, we will turn their sexual energy into pure anger and violence and direct it at America.

So we need to be sure that every young man in the world watches nothing but the American television programs "Yes, Dear" and "My Wife and Kids." Then we will have lines 10 miles long of people volunteering to be suicide bombers!

And onto more immediate news... this year's annual office holiday party will be in the Grand Hall of the Beirut Holiday Inn! We will celebrate the anti-Christmas!

OSAMA BIN LADEN: It's not just about anti-Christmas. We're down with the Jewish customs. Look, just today I was making plans to celebrate Ha-Nuke-Ah! Get it? Ha-NUKE-Ah! HA HA HA HA!

ABDUL-JABAAR: That's very good, sir.

EXPENDABLE HUMAN RESOURCES: It was a pleasure meeting you for the position of suicide bomber, Mr. Khalid Ka-Boom. We like you so much, in addition to the normal salary of 72 virgins in Heaven, we are offering you a signing bonus of 5 extra-virgin virgins in Heaven!

MR. KHALID KA-BOOM: Oh thank you! Just one question, what is the health benefits package like?

EXPENDABLE HUMAN RESOURCES: Full coverage! You casket will be fully covered and closed. And your Dental Plan will ensure that all of your teeth are recovered from the explosion.

Your first assignment is to read this copy of "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Suicide-Bombers." But I'll give you the notes:

1) Blow Yourself Up. Praise Allah!

2) Blow Yourself Up. Praise Allah!

3) Blow Yourself Up. Praise Allah!

4) Blow Yourself Up. Praise Allah!

5) Blow Yourself Up. Praise Allah!

6) Proactively solve problems by leveraging synergistic relationships with a core competency focus to create a win-win.

7) Blow Yourself Up. Praise Allah!

ACCOUNTANT NOOMBA KA-RUNCH: Listen guys, I know we're all against this commercialism-imperialism thing, but the numbers don't lie.

Our financial sheet is looking bleak ever since the Americans froze our international assets. Would it kill anybody to put a Product Placement in the next Terror Threat Video Tape?

Osama, maybe while you are broadcasting from your cave, you can be holding a can of Pepsi? Or wearing an Exxon-Mobil cap?

Look at this balance sheet. Our finances are not supposed to be in the red... the streets are... with the blood of infidels. Let's stay focused on the bottom line!

*** AT THE AL-QAEDA HOLIDAY PARTY...

CAFETERIA WORKER AKBAR AL-SNACKBAR: Hey Boss! Great party! Wooooo! Down with the infidels! Wooo-hooo!

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Have you been drinking? You know this is against our Islamic religious beliefs.

AKBAR AL-SNACKBAR: Drinking? No! Just enjoying the fruit of the land that Allah has provided us in Afghanistan -- poppy seeds – refined into pure heroin.

ACCOUNT EXECUTIVE STEVE “FAST CARS” JOHNSON-MUHAMMED: Bin Laden, baby! Great fiesta, man. Way to rally the troops to a productive New Year! Hey buddy, I was thinking… if you really want to raise morale around here, you might consider raising the commission we get on our black market weapons sales. I mean, I got a family to feed. And I’m saving up for Little Stevie, Jr.’s college fund.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: I told you, we need to re-invest all our assets into the organization.

STEVE JOHNSON-MUHAMMED: I thought people were your greatest asset.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Only when they are exploding.

MOHAMMED MUHAMED MOHAMAD: Time to play "Beat the Pinata!"

JU-HHAYTA: What a great idea to make a pinata that looks like Santa Claus!

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Beat his candy ass!

ABDUL-JABAAR: That's very good, sir.