Oscar Awards Recap. HogWild style.

I saw the Keira Knightley pre-Oscar Awards interview. Keira sounds smart. Like she really knows her craft. It makes you think maybe they should stop casting Jessica Simpson in movies and choose actual actresses who know what the hell they are doing.

Keira looked uncomfortable being so made up and dressed up. Why not be more natural? She's beautiful enough. Some girls gets too made up. Make-up is supposed to accentuate your beauty. It's best when a guy can barely notice it. Too many girls apply make-up like they're about to roll out of a car with 14 of their friends and run around squirting each other in the face with water guns disguised as flowers pinned to their shirts.
 

March of the Penguins wins Best Documentary. That's cool. I enjoyed that movie. It's basically about the incredible lengths penguins will go to boink.

There should be more movies about that. Because we can all relate to it. We've all gone to great lengths to find a mate, only to get the cold flipper. Wing? Whatever.

And Morgan Freeman was the narrator. Man, I could listen to that guy talk about anything. He has that kind of voice that is so calming. He could be saying some f****ed up sh!t and I'd still listen because it's him.

Morgan Freeman's slow distinguished deep voice: "And that's when I began poisoning my puppy. Each day. Just a little more poison in the puppy food. Until his eyes would glaze over. It won't be long now my loyal little friend. But I was impatient. So I stabbed him with one hand and proceeded to chase him around the room with a hot iron."

Yeah, see that's terrible. But if Morgan Freeman is speaking, for some reason I start thinking he has a good reason. That's why Morgan Freeman should be President. Because he could tell us the straight truth and we would accept it.

President Morgan Freeman: "We have invaded Iraq. It has nothing to do with freedom. Or terrorism. Or doing what's right. I have decided not to ask any other countries to help us because, frankly, calling all those foreign heads of state is very time consuming and annoying. Oh, and I sold the state of Idaho to Tom Cruise. Don't worry. I'm sure everything will be fine."

Salma Hayek is so much hotter with 2 eyebrows.

I enjoyed Roger Ebert interviewing the celebrities on the Oscar Awards Red Carpet. Because he knows his stuff. And he's not likely to squeeze a boob. Or a Brokeback crotch. Though I thought he was too easy on everyone. I would've liked to have seen Ebert and Roeper give thumbs down to the outfits they didn't like. And thumbs up with tongues out to Jessica Alba.


Dolly "Plastic" Parton. During her red carpet interview, it was hard for her to talk because her face is so rubbery.
Everything on her is fake. But hey, she looks great for being 97! What's worse?: To look 97 years old and more wrinkled than a college kid's laundry -- or to look plastic-y? I say Dolly made the right choice! Look at her! Sure it's a bit weird. But I'd rather look at that then what she looked like before surgery:

Naomi Watts is hot but foreign teeth still haven't caught up to American teeth. (You can't tell from this picture, but her teeth could use a good scrubbing.)

We just have different teeth standards. Not that I have good teeth, but once I'm in Hollywood I know I'll have to step my game up. Either get my teeth super white, or super platinum like Three Six Mafia.

These guys actually melted down their Oscar Awards to make more gold teeth.

FRIEND: Hey, let me see that Oscar Award you won.

THREE SIX MAFIA: It's back here, in my molars. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

The opening to the Oscar Awards was cool. A nice self-deprecating start with Jon Stewart insinuating he was the last choice to host. Great funny video. Jon comes through once again!

He starts: Ladies, gentlemen... and Felicity (because she was in that Transgendered movie.) Nice line.
His Angelina Jolie adoption joke... eh.

Stewart talks about a return to glamour. He says thank god because he didn't like last year's theme of the Night of 1000 Sweatpants. WTF? Goofy.

So Jon Stewart is basically doing standup comedy. Man, it's a tough crowd to do it for. They all take themselves too seriously. Jon Stewart always pokes fun of the establishment. Now he is a part of it, so he must carefully "Walk the Line." HA HA HA! Okay, that's f***in' corny. If you laughed at that, slap yourself in the head with a fish.

I thought black was supposed to be slimming.

Hollywood doesn't like jokes at their own expense. F*** 'em. But it must be hard if you have to hang out with them later. I'm thinking Jon Stewart didn't hang out at the parties too long.

Jon Stewart is Jewish. So he commented on Spielberg's films: Schindler's List, Munich... I cant wait to see what happens to us next!

He called the movie Walk the Line, "Ray" with white people. Jamie Foxx laughs. Star of Walk the Line Joaquin Phoenix does not. Get over yourself douche bag.

Jon Stewart's video of "non-gay" westerns was pretty funny. Especially this line that just happened to be in an Old Western: "Whatever happens is strictly between you, me... and the horse."

His best line was in regards to rampant piracy of DVDs. He scolded us. He told us not to take money out of the hands of these needy Hollywood stars here tonight... some of whom could barely afford enough gown to cover their breasts!

Ha ha ha! Awesome.

Jon Stewart is great because he's silly as hell and smart. The perfect comedy combination.

Nicole Kidman looked great. She's the type who looks great after make-up. I guess that's better than women who still look busted after make-up. Just don't catch Kidman's face naked or you get this:

George Clooney is cool because he's actually humble. He does good work and lets it speak for itself. The former E.R. actor "plays doctor" with lots of hot chicks but doesn't have to brag or release an "unauthorized" sex tape.

Oscar Controversy!!!
Jon Stewart makes fun of Hollywood for being out of touch. Then Clooney wins the Oscar. So in his speech Clooney defends the Academy. He reminds everyone that while blacks were still forced to sit in the back of theaters, the Academy awarded an African-American with the Oscar. He says he's "proud to be out of touch." He has a point. Movies are our escape. We don't want them to be reality. Reality sucks. We want more. Movies give us more.

Movies give us hope. Movies give us inspiration. Movies give us Scarlett Johannson's hooters.

So what will Jon Stewart say back? Yeah, this is gonna be good! Jon is super quick. He'll think of something awesome.

Jon's rebuttal: It's great that George won. And what a great speech. He said the kind of things that can get really get a fellow laid.

Not bad. But I thought he'd have a better comeback than that.
 

Jennifer Lopez lookin' good. She came to the Oscars with nothing to win. Yet she probably wins best dressed. So she steals the show. I wonder if Puff Daddy, er, P-Diddy, stares at these J-Lo pictures while scratching his turntable. Imagining a little P-Diddy/J.Lo remix.

Stewart had a great skit about speeches going on too long. Skit starred Tom Hanks. The orchestra actually comes on stage to crowd him out and shoot a poison dart in his neck. Jon Stewart rules! Can he take over SNL? Please?


Jessica Alba. What a doll.

My girlfriend HATES Jessica Alba now because once I wrote that she was "Perfect."

Look, no one is perfect. I'm pretty sure she's not perfect. I'm kind of fairly certain there is something wrong with her. I mean, I can't think of it right now. But if you give me a few days...

Ah, I know! The only thing wrong with Jessica Alba is that she would never talk to a guy like me.

Ya know, my girl had a DREAM about the guy from the Superman TV show but I get in trouble for saying Jessica Alba is hot? What the hell!

Whatever. I gotta tell it like it is. Look at Jessica Alba. Jessica Alba looks like Halle Berry if Halle Berry were perfect.

HA HA HA!

Now my girlfriend will hate me again. Okay. Reason I will never leave my girlfriend for Jessica Alba (besides the reason that Jessica Alba will never speak to me) is Ms. Alba can't cook like my girl.

Who is making me yummy French Toast? Who is whipping up a Sweet Potato Pie? NOT Jessica Alba, that's who!

Sex is great with my girl. But really, I have to eat 3 times a day. So you tell me what's more important!

And for all you guys who pick your girl based only on her beauty. Listen to me: looks fade... but meatloaf... that's forever.