Supermarket Security

I was in this supermarket, Dirtstedes, when I had an idea. So like a lot of comedians, I whip out my little notepad and pen. So this nub comes up to me, “What are you writing?!”

“None of your business, buddy!”

Then he identifies himself. “Supermarket Security. This is MY store and I want to know what you’re writing.”

So I gave him a sarcastic answer. “I’m writing down the price of Dannon’s strawberry-banana yogurt. I’m a comparison shopper.”

Jeez! What is this? A police state? Is EVERYONE a suspected terrorist?

“You’d BETTER check what I’m writing! I’m measuring floor space for my plans to blow up the cereal aisle.”

Supermarket Security. He’s the only authority figure that can be out-ranked by a School Crossing Guard. Or in some cases, a doorman. Supermarket Security. Stop harassing me and go protect the lettuce!

It's what Supermarket Security should be protecting.

Supermarket Security. I’m not STEALING. I’m WRITING! Sh!t, give that man a Congressional Medal, because I was planning to take the fish sticks hostage! I had military targets in mind! Captain Gordon, Captain Crunch, General Mills. F&^* that, I’ll attack civilians! Aunt Jemima, Suzie Q., Ben AND Jerry!

Two of Hog's purported civilian targets.

Supermarket Security. Leave me alone! Ain’t you got a stake-out in paper-goods?! Don’t you have a sting-op to bust Grandma Harriet for expired coupons?!

Supermarket Security. He came at me with a walkie-talkie and a zucchini.

It turns out I wasn’t the only one this nub was harassing. Other customers in the store heard all the commotion and they started yelling at him, too.

This bim starts screaming, “Yeah! I was on my phone and that guy demanded to talk to the person I was calling. Those were primetime weekday minutes!”

Then this nub says, “I bought condoms, and he demanded to know who I was sleeping with!”

This fat dude complains, “I admit it. I ate a few grapes. But he didn’t have to read me my rights while giving me the Heimlich!”

Then this woman starts crying! “I bought a pregnancy test kit and he called me a slut.” 

So I couldn’t believe it. Everyone starts grabbing tomatoes and eggs and asparagus and kiwis and whatever they could find and they start hurling it at him!

Finally the manager comes out. He looked a little flushed to me. “What’s going on?! I was in the office doing inventory on my sperm count –- never mind that… oh crap! Not again.”

He throws the Security Guard this Riot Gear. And the tomatoes and eggs are splashing against the face-mask of the helmet.

I started a Grocery Jihad!

Then the Supermarket Security Guard gets a call on his walkie-talkie.

He barked, “You people are lucky, I’m being called away on a 211! Animal Crackers on the loose!”

Then he ran out as we cheered.

I was like the great Giuseppe Garibaldi, toppling tyrants with noble insurrection. Unfortunately, unlike Garibaldi, my face was captured in freeze-frame on the overhead security cameras and I am now banned from entering each of the 39 locations in the tri-state area.

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