President Bush Tells the Story of Thanksgiving

PRESIDENT BUSH: Thanksgiving is a holiday where, ya know, we give thanks to America's 1st President Jesus Christ.

See President Jesus gave us a good, a really good harvest of wheat and corn and apple pies.

Now us Americans used to be called Pilgrims because that's what Jesus said.

And Jesus told the Pilgrims to leave England and sail to the New World on this giant ship called Noah's Ark.  

The trip was very hard because the ship hit an iceberg and Leonardo DiCaprio drowned.

When the Pilgrims landed on the Plymouth Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, they settled and became uh, settlers.

Then they built stuff like condos and Starbucks. But Starbucks only served tea, not coffee. The settlers protested this and tossed the tea in the river while dancing and having fun. This was called the Boston Tea Party. The roof was set on fire and then raised. Somebody let the dogs out. And reportedly, they partied like it was their birthday.

But there was an evil Terrorist organization plotting to destroy the good Pilgrim people. These Terrorists were known as... Turkeys.

These Turkeys stuffed themselves until they exploded, destroying villages and women.

One Turkey even kidnapped Jean Claude van Damme.

So President Jesus decided to form a coalition of the willing with the United Nations of Benetton. This included the Pilgrims and the Natives.

The Native people, who today we call Indians, were famous for their maizes. They liked to solve the maizes and then do a naked rain dance so their God, named Buddha, would bless them with ripe melons on their women with names like Little Big Horns.

Anyway, the Turkeys did not like our freedoms. They wanted to destroy our homes. The suicide-Turkeys tricked us into eating them... then we would get very sleepy from their biological weapon... Tryptophan. The Pilgrims would fall asleep and then the Turkeys would raise the price of oil.

But we had a plan to stay the course. The men went out shooting and they shot many delicious wild Terrorist turkeys while the Vice President shot his friend in the face.

Both are traditions we carry on to this day!

Sure, some Turkeys were tortured and some Turkeys were r@ped but things like this happen when you are fighting against an evil army of flightless birds.

The Pilgrim and Indian men also shot deers, ducks, and sweet potatoes.

So the Pilgrim mothers, of which my mother Barbara was a founding member, said thus, "Let us invite these friendly red skinned Native people so we may rejoice." Rejoice means to joice again. Which eventually became the state of New Joicey.

The Indians came to the party lead by Chief Wahoo. The Indians were friendly but lacked depth in their starting rotation.

The Indians were dressed in bizarre outfits of deer skins and feathers with their faces painted. "How weird!," the Pilgrims exclaimed as they adjusted the belt buckles on their hats.

At the Thanksgiving, before they ate anything, the Pilgrims and the Indians thanked God for all his goodness. Of course, the Pilgrim-Americans thanked the REAL God while the Indians thanked their FALSE hooey-booey, mumbo-jumbo gods.

The Indians sang songs and danced and drank and drank and drank. They reminded the Pilgrims of the Irish.

The drunk Pilgrims celebrated by shooting their muskets in the air. The drunk Indians shot their bows & arrows into the air. Sadly, one of the arrows flew back down to Earth and pierced right through the head of a Pilgrim. He became America's first stand-up comedian.

All this happened nearly four hundred million years ago, and ever since that time Thanksgiving has been celebrated in our country.

Sometimes Thanksgiving is called Christmas.

In France, they call Thanksgiving D-Day.

So every year we stop to say "Thanks!" to Jesus for all of the things He's given to us instead of to the people of Africa and Mexico. This is why we eat as much as we can... to remember that there are people in Africa and Mexico who have nothing to eat.

Suckers.