HOGWILD.NET semi-hilarious comedy: Bush & Kerry jokes and funny pictures
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Presidential Debate: Bush vs. Kerry
Jokes & Funny Pictures
At the start of the debate, Bush and Kerry shook hands and exchanged words. I wonder what they said. I'm sure it was more interesting than anything they blathered during the debate. Maybe they exchanged quotes from Rocky IV:
Kerry as Ivan Drago: "I must break you."
Bush as Rocky: "Uuuuh."
I like that the moderator was Jim Lehrer. He really put the smack-down. I guess they chose him because he is the only journalist left who is unbiased. Dan Rather might as well be named to John Kerry's cabinet. And if Bill O'Reilly was a hockey player, his position would be right-wing. So they chose Jim Lehrer because no one watches him.
I admit it. Like all Americans, I love it when my President mispronounces English words like a guy with a stutter who's trying to talk with his tongue in his wife's fun-dip.
But he didn't mess up. In fact, I was incredibly impressed when our Ivy League Graduate used the word "vociferously." Of course he used the word incorrectly:
"The enemy understands a free Iraq will be a major defeat in their ideology of hatred. That's why they're fighting so vociferously."
Vociferous means loudly. What, are our soldiers now Navajo Warriors, whooping and hollering as they ride horseback shooting bow and arrow? I think he meant he meant vigorously. And unlike Mr. Bush, I didn't even go to Yale!! (Then again, maybe he didn't either. But at least he was signed up to report for duty!)
Now, Kerry is a genius! This nub knows where Osama is! WOW!!! How does HE know? You mean the CIA, U.N., NATO and NBA don't know where Osama is, but YOU do?
Kerry: "The president moved the troops, so he's got 10 times the number of troops in Iraq than he has in Afghanistan, where Osama bin Laden is."
Damn, dude. If you know where he is, go Rambo on him! You got that Vietnam experience. You're a trained killer. Now you've got a new mission.
Kerry as Rambo: "They drew first blood, not me. Nothing is over! Nothing!"
Then Kerry laces his combat boots, sheaths his knife, whitens his teeth, styles his hair, applies his tanning make-up and injects Botox into his face. See my newest Dating Advice Video!
Most embarrassing moment of the debate:
Bush: "So I went to the United Nations. I didn't need anybody to tell me to go to the United Nations. I decided to go there myself."
HOORAY! The President of the United States of America made a decision AWL BY HIM-SEFF!! Yea!
You mean you didn't need to hold Dick? (The Vice President), And I remember how you were too afraid to go to the 9/11 commission hearing by yourself. How cute.
I actually thought Bush was winning the Debate until he started whining like a woman, "We're making progress!"
Uh-huh. He had no facts to back that up. Just a pathetic whine. So he won that argument. Because as all men know, you can't win with a whiny woman because she won't listen to reason. Just agree. "Uh-huh. Yes, dear. Yes, honey. Sure, the economy is getting better. You're right. The disaster in Iraq isn't your fault."
It got really tense during the debate. I thought Bush was gonna cry again. But now the debate started getting boring. At this point, Jim Lehrer should have been replaced by Alex Trebek. Both contestants should have had to buzz in before answering. "If Iraq is free, Americans will be more secure."
"I'm sorry Mr. President, but you forgot to phrase your rhetoric in the form of a question."
I think Kerry and Bush should have started arm-wrestling. Winner takes all. Like in Over the Top. (Okay, I admit it. I just wanted to work in 3 references to Stallone movies.)
Or maybe settle the whole thing with a Freestyle Rap Competition.
Bush: I'm a real
Kerry was punching Bush. Right jab of LOGIC! Uppercut of FACTS! Bush began stumbling around. Looking dazed. But he stayed on his feet. Regained his composure in time to say important things like,
That's when Bush's handlers rushed in to open his back panel and rewire the blown circuit.
During the debate, Kerry scribbled notes about Bush's points. Bush scribbled a crude doodle of Kerry's face.
Then it got kinda personal and weird. They started complimenting each other, but in this aggressive way. Kerry says,
"And so I acknowledge that his daughters -- I've watched them."
"And I have great respect and admiration for his wife."
WHOA! I thought it was gonna go further:
"I think she's a terrific person and a great First Lady and a real screamer. Still have the claw marks in my back. And she's a wet one, Mr. President. You're really lucky to have a woman like that. She's so much better than your mother. Especially when it comes to fellatio."
But the goofiest line of the night DID NOT go to Bush. Kerry said the most doofus thing in response to this:
Bush: "There's enormous pressure on the president, and he cannot wilt under that pressure."
Kerry: "I have no intention of wilting. I've never wilted in my life."
I bet his wife has something to say about that.
C'mon! The dude is 60 years old! I'm sure he's wilted at least ONCE!
They interviewed Giuliani after the debate. I couldn't concentrate on what he was saying because now he looks like Robocop when his helmet is off.
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