HOGWILD!

RANTS

HogWild the Medieval Moron 

Dr. Salami, the HOGWILD.NET graphic retArtist decides to come down to Media Mecca of the Midwest to go to this Renaissance Festival with his bim. So I’m like, this must be some major dork fest. What, was the Star Trek convention all booked?

But he promised it would be a good time. So I was like, I’ll try anything once (except crack and fat-free ice cream) and at the very least it would be a good source of material. We both brought our bims. This was cool for Doc, but not for me. Because his bim has something mine doesn’t: self-control. Mrs. P goes to the event with the idea that this is a shopping spree. “Ooh! I need a new pair of leather shoes and they have the cutest ear rings there!” No WOMAN! We’re going for a fun experience, not so you can shop!

Hog as a Heroin-addicted bag-lady.  

Little did I know that this place was really a traveling mall. You pay like 15 units to get in, but then everything else costs mad units on top of that! And then I got Mrs. P running from shop to shop. I was like, “Damn woman, we at least have to DO something here before you empty my wallet.” This place had a food court, sold jewelry, tarot readings, clothes, shoes. I think I saw a store with the sign, “Ye Gap Kids.”

And you ain’t gonna believe this tish. Mrs. P was taking too long at one store so I shouted, “Let’s go WOMAN!” And some nub had the AUDACITY to scold me for referring to my bim as “woman.” He’s like, “woman?” Is that how you refer to her? I’m like, “Shut up you dillweed. Isn’t this a Medieval Festival? Women are supposed to be referred to as wenches here. What ever happened to male chauvinism anyway? So I told this fool, “Mind your damn business, WOMAN!” Then I ran like hell. 

But don’t think I’m not nice to my Mrs. P. I may be crude, rude, and a hella-crusty dude but I did get her a rose. There was this fairy-boy there selling really nice red roses. So I approached him and struck up the convo. This kid had to be like 16 and he was wearing these fairy wings while selling flowers. So I asked him, “What does it feel like to be a fairy-boy?” All his friends started snickering. But I was serious! This nub has to have  a lot of self-confidence to do that job. So it turns out (so he says) that bims really dig his outfit. Wow, nub must have a big one. You wouldn’t catch me in some spandex-butterfly wings outfit handing out flowers while tip-toeing through the tulips. 

Hog propositions bims to touch his big, twisted pole. It's all funny until they see reality, his short, twisted twig.

I think he likes it!

Lots of people got dressed up for it. I wish we did too. True we’d be looking all dorky, but I think it’d be fun. I’d get dressed as a bootleg Knight with some rusty-ass armor. “I am Sir Hog from the Bronx. Make way before I bust a sword in your ass.” I’d be the first Knight to run up on the enemy’s castle with a drive-by catapult. My Horse and chariot would be all chromed out with hydraulics. But this one nub REALLY got into it. Apparently he was suited up as a Renaissance Lush. He was mad trizzed. I swear to you the following really happened. Me and Salami were waiting for our bims to come back from their shopping spree when this fat nub falls over while on the beer line. So of course we do nothing to help. My excuse is that I’m from New York City and there it’s against the law to help anybody. Besides, he might be a con man with a gun. But Salami has no excuse. Except that he’s a cold hearted bastard! Actually we both kinda laughed about it as the medics arrived. But anyway, the point is that this nub was a Super Brew Hero! He falls over from his state of wicked inebriation and then after like 3 guys help him up, he gets BACK ON LINE to get his libations! Daaaaamn! Now that’s a hardcore alcoholic! It’s like, how do you know if you’re an alcoholic? Do the following HogWild self-test. Do I drink every night? You may have a problem. Do I drink until I get dizzy? You may have a problem. Do I drink so much that I fall over on my head and then get up to get another beer? Um, WINNER!

People really did get into the costumes though. Lots of hot bims in their costumes! Boobies all out and shining. It’s nice when the goods are up front. No guessing involved if you want to talk to her. There were also lots of hot nubs in tights! Had to put stamps on their crotches because they had a PACKAGE! Um, anyway, end of the gayness. There were also lots of BFNs (Big Fat Nasties) running around in girdled outfits they had no business trying on. On a hottie-boom-body the costume pushed up their bosoms so they were like a snuggable snack track. But on these BFNs it made their torso meat look like they were wearing a cow’s milk sac around their neck. NizASTY! Ugh, and it’s nasty when a woman’s breasts scrape along the ground. Hint: if your nipples need to wear socks so they don’t get dirty, pull up your sag-bags! Oh God these BFN’s sporting huge gutski’s. Looked like they had an ass in the front AND back.

Medieval Wife-Beater.

HogWild, ye Gay Pimp. Me Serfs will Sucky Sucky!

Now it ain’t only the bims who were BFNs at this joint. Saw this BFN nub in a kilt. Totally losing it. Showing mad buttcrack. I think he was dressed as the first medieval plumber.

Don’t get me wrong, I had a great time. I was just upset that everything costs units when we threw down mad bacon bits to get in. So we did all the stuff that was included. Like we watched this mud show that was supposed to be a Viking story. Kinda cool. But with all the mud throwing it was basically like Woodstock without the music and suburban white rage riots.

Putting that Shakespearean training to work.

Very interesting crowd. My hypothesis was that 3 of 4 worked with computers. I was about to conduct a survey to validate my hunch, but when I overheard two nubs talking at an armor store, “You can get this stuff cheaper on the Internet,” I knew no further research was necessary. 

The best part was the jousting. Awesome! The musical fanfare of the trumpets, the tolling of the bells, the Knights in shining armor getting read to clash! Very cool. They should bring this back as a sport. You’ve got violence and skill. Just cool. Really, wouldn’t you rather watch a tournament where guys try to knock off each other’s skulls while riding horses head-on? That’s more of a sport than running around after a ball trying to kick it into a stupid net while wearing high socks. Jousting—that’s a sport! I’m gonna set this up. Get me Vince McMahon on the phone! We’ll hook up the WWF jousting league. Except it won’t be fake. Real armor, real violence, real matches. And they’ve even got the hot trophy bims. It’s perfect!

Hog offends all Christians.

Enter the Looney Tunes Cartoon music.

Hog getting his ass kicked by a guy in a skirt.

HogWild & Dr. Salami battle like 2 homeless urchins in Medieval Times. It's gentlemanly until Hog resorts to trying to blow Salami off the log with one of his vicious hot caramel blasts.

So we enjoyed a very nice afternoon. Then it was time to go. Outside these Scottish guys were bagpiping some Scottish type music and they had these bims doing the traditional dances. Now ya know the Hogsta can’t pass up a chance to dance! Wooooohoooooo! So I grabbed Salami and we started dancing to this Renaissance music. Except we didn’t know any of those antiquated dance steps. So we had to break it down for everyone watching. We did the running man, then the robot. Then I guess I totally embarrassed Mrs. Potato-Head by doing the YMCA. She was fleeing the scene but I was gettin’ down! Did the chicken-dance. The cabbage patch. These people are like, “WHAT THE FUDDRUCKERS?!” And they hadn’t even seen my Soul Train booty dance or my Tootsie Roll! So just as I’m “Walking like an Egyptian” this large medieval bouncer removes us from the premises. Oh well. 

Then to cap off our day, we all went out to eat. And just my luck the restaurant had a balloon man! You know, one of these old guys who makes super cool balloon animals! So I bust past all the brats waiting for their zebras and tigers and I demand a balloon hat. And the guy was nice enough to hook it up! I asked him if the restaurant paid him for his service or if being around young boys was payment enough. Turns out nub makes 500 bacon bits for 4 hours work! Daaamn! I gotta learn me how to make some balloon horseys! So he was cool. Until I asked him to make me an anatomically correct masturbating monkey balloon. I can’t believe he tried to strangle me with a blue balloon poodle!