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Expert Dating Advice


Sex Jokes

by HogWild

Okay guys, I have some random thoughts on sex and it's time to share them with you fools. Here are some sex jokes. Except they're true.

* I'm in the middle of sha-boinking this bim and she asks me, "Are you wearing a condom?"

So I said, "Yeah. Yeah, probably."

I figure if you're gonna lie to get them INTO bed, why should the lies... stop... there? I'm TERRIBLE!

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* One of my college friends was gay. But I didn't know it at the time. But I shoulda KNOWN he was gay!

We all went to a Strip Club and he's licking his lips -- at the bouncer. I shoulda KNOWN he was gay!

I introduced him to my hot girlfriend and he says, "Does she have a brother?" I shoulda KNOWN he was gay!

He owned every episode of The Golden Girls on DVD. I shoulda KNOWN he was gay!

But he was all like,  "Dude, I'm not f&^kin' gay! I can prove it!"

"Stick your finger up my ass. Just do it! See... nothing... I'm not even smiling! Now give me a 3 knuckler ... see, I'm not gay! Suck your thumb and twist it up in there... see I don't like that gay stuff. Here, jam this zucchini up my butt. I TOLD you I'm not --- oh wait --  I'm coming."

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* I think it's stupid that only certain parts of a woman are acceptable to compliment.
beautiful eyes: YES -- beautiful love jugs: NO
fabulous smile: YES
-- fabulous hump cushions: NO
pretty face: YES 
pretty clitoris: NO

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* Sometimes I fart during a blow job.

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* I wrote this note to a really hot bim online.

Hi S-------,

I saw your photo on *****.com and -- not to brag -- but I am hotter than you in a 2 piece bikini. Yeah, that's right. My boobies aren't as big, but they are ample. And my tummy isn't as flat, but it has character! And it's fuzzy. So there!

I bet you think you're hot just because your body is perfect and your hair is beautiful but that's not what's most important about a woman. There's also feet. Now really, how are your feet?

And you know what's hot? Dinner. Dinner should be served hot. THAT'S what I'm talking about. Do you cook?

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* I would NEVER date a bodybuilder bim. Because I have this nightmare that she would squeeze my jammy so hard, the red head pops off into the air and lands in someone's soup.

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* I have a black belt in masturbation. Wax on. Wack off.

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* I think porn stars have scrap books so they can reminisce. Tina Torpedoes is like, "Ooh! I remember those breasts! They were so cute! OH, and my first inter-racial-anal-Asian-midget sex scene!"

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* Never admit to a bim that you are boning her for batting practice. She got real mad when I told her, "I
don't really want to have sex with you, but I need to get the work in. I have a REAL date tomorrow."

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* One time my woman complained to me,  "You just f^%k me, you don't MAKE LOVE to me."

So the next time we did it, I made sure when she opened the condom, there was a poem inside.


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