Tips that apply to both Fine Dining and Sex:

 

Do not rush in. Be dignified. Enter slowly, with your head up high.
 

Wipe your mouth.
 

Watch where you put your elbows!
 

At this time, it is not polite to answer your cell phone.

However, when she excuses herself to use the restroom, you may quickly and silently send your friends text messages.

 

Do not talk with your mouth full.

 

Feed her. Gently. Do not just shove it in her mouth. And by all means, do not wave it around making airplane noises.

Do not choose your position based on whether or not you can see the television.
 
If things progress into a relationship you may, in the future, refer to this as your "special place."

Recommended appetizer: the clam chowder
NOT recommended appetizer: tossed salad
 

When the main course arrives, don't poke at it.

This not the buffet, do not get up and serve yourself.

Be generous with the tip.

Do not take out a coupon.

If you spill, dab it up with your napkin.

Gentlemen, feel free to comment on the beautiful decor and atmosphere, but do not blurt out, "This place is much bigger on the inside than I thought!"

It is okay to imagine your companion to be someone who is considerably more attractive. It is not okay to invite that person to sit on your lap.

Ladies, when the cork is popped and you taste it, either swallow or spit. Do not swish it around in your mouth.

Gentlemen, if it's taking a long time for everything to come, be patient. Do not bang on the table.

If yours comes before hers, do not run out of the restaurant.

WOMEN: it is acceptable to call an end to the evening by holding your stomach and saying you've had enough.

 

MEN: it is not acceptable to shove your meat into her mouth to stop her from talking.

Women, if you taste cream in your coffee, do not spit it out.

Men, if you'd like some sugar, ask politely, do not grab for it.

If it's too hot, blow on it.

If you do not know the proper way to hold chopsticks, just ask him to put your fingers in the right place.

It is uncouth to ask if you can have the leftovers tomorrow.

Doggie-bagging. Most women today are okay with it, but some say it is not lady-like.

Past lovers should not be discussed at this time. Nor should politics or religion. Unless you feel the need to call out to God.

Finish what's in front of you before asking for seconds.

If you need to use the restroom, be quick. Check to be sure there is not toilet paper stuck to somewhere embarrassing.

If your date does not show, and you have no reservations, ask a stranger at the bar to join you.

If you need to get their attention, it is okay to gently tap on the shoulder but never snap your fingers.

When making small talk, do not ask if there is parking in the rear. And certainly do not tell her about the time you parked in a handicapped space.

If you are not wearing a jacket, expect to be turned away. This isn't Burger King where anyone can get a Whopper for just a few bucks.

If something doesn't smell right, send it back.

If she likes bread, butter her up and talk about how much bread you have.

Under no circumstances should you make slurping noises.

Don't freak out if you find a hair in your pie. However if there is a fly in your soup... you should definitely have a word with the management.

Women, if you were expecting larger portions, don't complain.

Women, it will probably be too salty for your tastes.

Men, pink inside is good. But if it's bloody, send it back.

Men, don't trust your friends for your decision. Forget popularity with your friends. From now on, explore! You never know where you'll find a new little hole to your liking!