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Hell Gigs: Stand-up Comedy
Jokes & Funny Pictures
Performing stand-up comedy is like being a baseball pitcher. Even the best pitchers in the game will get roughed up every now and then. Some crowds are tougher than others.
But the crowds that are impossible are the ones called HELL GIGS.
HELL GIG #1
The audience is ALL black women over the age
So we're performing for free for these people. I was told we perform for 20 minutes each. The organizer of the event had some serious PMS and barks, "I have a headache. Hurry up."
That's want you want to hear before you entertain people. I'm sure they tell that to all the greats.
To Mick Jagger: "Hurry up. Will ya?"
"Oh Mr. Cosby, I know you're a legend,
but can you hurry it up tonight? I wanna beat the traffic."
Normally I would've shouted something back. But his
grandma was probably in the audience.
I tell my jokes. Now, I've told these before. Always get laughs.
Tonight I'm getting stares. One dude is playing a video game on his cell phone. Keep in mind, I can see him. He KNOWS I see him. There's only 4 guys in the audience!
Later, I learned that all of these teenagers are part of the same gangsta rap group.
Don't think I would accept this gig if you asked me
beforehand, "Hey, wanna tell jokes to 4 guys who rap about
shooting cops and choking puppies?"
"Nah man, they HATE white people! But they only
despised YOU! Come back next week!"
Now, I knew this would be a tough game going in. Because I was gonna be
performing on a boat. Not a cruise boat. A boat-boat. That goes around
Boston. 3 floors. Me on the top deck. Outdoors.
Or that people would more interested in looking at the waves, the moon, the skyline, the birds, and the clouds than at me.
MORONS! You had 3 hours to look at that crap!
Now it's time for comedy! You idiots can look at clouds tomorrow,
but I'm only here TODAY!
Also didn't anticipate:
* The airplanes overhead.
Right after I get off stage... the captain
of this boat -- who had been
making announcements about the history of Boston Harbor during
the ride -- uses his announcer loud-speaker to say -- RIGHT AFTER I GET OFF
STAGE, "And now for something funny... that wasn't very funny."
Dude, how dare you talk
about my show. You drive a f^cking boat
around in a circle for a living!
He's right. These albums never happened:
* Chris Rock Brings the Pain on a riding mower!
* Dave Chappelle Killing Them Softly in a hot air balloon.
So I've learned. I will no longer accept any gig. I will show greater respect for myself. There is a time and a place for comedy. And that place is not outside in a park in the projects, not in front of G-Unit, Jr., and not on a sight-seeing boat piloted by Captain Constipated the Butt Pirate F^ck Faced Loser of the Seven Seas.
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