Hell Gigs: Stand-up Comedy

Jokes & Funny Pictures

by HogWild

Here in New York City, I perform stand-up comedy. And I'm PDF (pretty damn funny) if I do say so maaaaa-self. BUT every so often there is the HELL GIG.

Performing stand-up comedy is like being a baseball pitcher. Even the best pitchers in the game will get roughed up every now and then. Some crowds are tougher than others.

But the crowds that are impossible are the ones called HELL GIGS.

HELL GIG #1

I'm told we're performing outdoors in a park in the Bronx. Now, I'm from the Bronx. I know what to expect. Some thug dudes. Chicks with big hoop earrings. But fun loving people who want to hear about sex and relationships. Nice. That's my specialty.

So when I get there, it IS in a park. But it's a fundraiser for Roberto Clemente State Park. Okay...

The audience is ALL black women over the age
of 60. Um... guess I'm not doing those jokes about banging bims with flat asses.... Now I gotta totally re-adjust and do a PG rated set.

Oh, so it's outside. The stage is in front of a huge pool. The audience is mad far away from the stage. There's feedback from the speakers. I can hear everything I say 2 seconds later. Have you ever had a little echo on your cell phone? Remember how annoying that was? Yeah, try standing alone on a stage with that echo trying to make senior citizens laugh at your observations about poop. Not easy.

I want to drown myself in the pool behind me.

So we're performing for free for these people. I was told we perform for 20 minutes each. The organizer of the event had some serious PMS and barks, "I have a headache. Hurry up."

Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

That's want you want to hear before you entertain people. I'm sure they tell that to all the greats.

To Mick Jagger: "Hurry up. Will ya?"

"Oh Mr. Cosby, I know you're a legend, but can you hurry it up tonight? I wanna beat the traffic."

So I'm doin' the damn thing and from the top of an apartment building, these neighborhood kids start shouting "You're gay!" That's a 1st. Heckled by people not even in the audience.

Normally I would've shouted something back. But his grandma was probably in the audience.

HELL GIG #2

No mic. No stage. In a bar. Small audience. They'd been  waiting TWO HOURS for the show to start because the producer was hoping more people would come.

They didn't.

I tell my jokes. Now, I've told these before. Always get laughs.

Tonight I'm getting stares. One dude is playing a video game on his cell phone. Keep in mind, I can see him. He KNOWS I see him.  There's only 4 guys in the audience!

Later, I learned that all of these teenagers are part of the same gangsta rap group.

Don't think I would accept this gig if you asked me beforehand, "Hey, wanna tell jokes to 4 guys who rap about shooting cops and choking puppies?"

I was so depressed coming off stage. Never before had I bombed like this. The producer runs up to me after my set, "Man, you were great!"
What? I just ate it.

"Nah man, they HATE white people! But they only despised YOU! Come back next week!"

HELL GIG #3

Now, I knew this would be a tough game going in. Because I was gonna be performing on a boat. Not a cruise boat. A boat-boat. That goes around Boston. 3 floors. Me on the top deck. Outdoors.

Outdoors is bad for comedy. Like Tina who is always hanging out at the Zete house, laughing is contagious. And the laughter gets lost into the atmosphere. So I knew that.

Didn't anticipate the rocking of the boat.

Or that people would more interested in looking at the waves, the moon, the skyline, the birds, and the clouds than at me.

MORONS! You had 3 hours to look at that crap! Now it's time for comedy! You idiots can look at clouds tomorrow, but I'm only here TODAY!
 

Also didn't anticipate:

* The airplanes overhead.

* That there would be no seats.

* It would be completely dark out so no one can see me.

I did know I had to keep it rated PG.

Oh, and the audience didn't know I was gonna be doing comedy. It was a surprise.

These things add up to HELL GIG!!

I did okay, but I should have destroyed.

Whatever. Fine. Okay. But at least I made the people laugh. Now, here is the most infuriating thing that's ever happened to me during a live show.
 

Right after I get off stage... the captain of this boat -- who had been making announcements about the history of Boston Harbor during the ride -- uses his announcer loud-speaker to say -- RIGHT AFTER I GET OFF STAGE, "And now for something funny... that wasn't very funny."

WHAT?!!

Shut the f^ck up you piece of crap! Who the f^ck are you to make comments about my show?

First of all, people laughed at my show. Second of all, shut the fuck up!

F^cking getting heckled by Captain Crunch.

Dude, how dare you talk about my show. You drive a f^cking boat around in a circle for a living!

I wanted to slap the liver spots off his head. Slappy his head like the old guy from Benny Hill. You prune juice drinking piece of sh!t.

But my good buddy Paul Dean reminded me not to feel bad. He was like, "Dude, of all the great comedy albums you've ever heard, how many were recorded on a boat? Or any moving vehicle?"

He's right. These albums never happened:

* George Carlin LIVE in New York City from a rickety-ass boat!

* Chris Rock Brings the Pain on a riding mower!

* Dave Chappelle Killing Them Softly in a hot air balloon.

So I've learned. I will no longer accept any gig. I will show greater respect for myself. There is a time and a place for comedy. And that place is not outside in a park in the projects, not in front of G-Unit, Jr., and not on a sight-seeing boat piloted by Captain Constipated the Butt Pirate F^ck Faced Loser of the Seven Seas.

  Expert Dating Advice Videos by me -- HogWild -- professional dating advice: helpful and hilarious.

Watch my helpful and hilarious Expert Dating Advice videos!