JUSTIN: Super Bowl XLI (what is that like 72?) is upon us and I have to admit I’m just about as giddy as a geek watching Heroes, especially after watching last year's Super Dud between Pittsburgh and Seattle. 

This year should be a great game because the two teams are so different when it comes to how they play the game. So sit back and put the p*rn sites on hold as I break down some of the things to watch for in Super Bowl XXXIKVMJK.

HOG: Dude, don’t be ridiculous. Roman numerals are really not that difficult. It’s Super Bowl XLIRSLANYCXRAYMILFXLI#^()”;{}. Duh.

JUSTIN: Commercials: First of all, if you only watch the Super Bowl for commercials stop reading right now and take the scissors out of your desk and stab yourself to death. 

HOG: HA HA HA!!! Yeah, are people actually that starved for entertainment that they look forward to “funny” advertisements?

Every day of our lives we duck, dodge, and skip commercials. So like Moses asked, “Why is this night different from all other nights?”

They’re commercials!!! Oooh, a hot chick in a bikini hawking a web site! Who cares? If you want to laugh and see hot chicks on a web site, stay right here on hogwild.net!

JUSTIN: If you don’t like football, why submit yourself to three and a half hours of torture just so that you can see about 8 ½ minutes of overrated commercials? 

Okay beer and chicken wings does ease the suffering but, is it worth it?  It’s like suffering through an hour and a half of Sorority Boys on Comedy Central just so you can see those late night Girls Gone Wild ads.

 

HOG: When I was a kid I would watch late night infomercials just because they’d stick some super hot babe in the studio audience. I could tell you all the product features of the The Juiceman Juicer or the George Foreman Grill.

But yeah, non-Football fans (effeminate homosexuals, women, and Communists) torture themselves by watching the game because it’s part of American culture. They don’t want to feel left out.

When something reaches a certain point of popularity, EVERYBODY jumps on the bandwagon because they want to be a part of it. So now you have people who don’t know Peyton Manning from Carol Channing. They think the Colts are a group of brainwashed people led by David Koresh. They think a First Down is a type of winter coat.

JUSTIN: Which team does Carol Channing play for? 

HOG: Dorothy's team.

I'm saying that these are the people you don’t want at your Super Bowl party. Because they interrupt every 2 seconds to ask a dumb question or to make a comment that they THINK is insightful like, “They need to blitz the quarterback.” And I’m like, “Yes. You’re right. They should blitz the quarterback right now as he stands on the sidelines with his helmet off. Because the PUNTING UNIT is on the field.”

JUSTIN: Quarterbacks: The Poster Boy of the NFL, Peyton Manning tries to get over the hump and do something his father never did and his little brother NEVER WILL and win a championship. 

HOG: Hey! Eli Manning will lead the Giants to victory! He’s young. He simply needs to learn that his best skill is handing off the ball to the running back.

JUSTIN: You mean the one that's retiring?  R.I.P. Tiki Barber we hardly knew ya.

HOG: He's not dying. He'll still be around to do the pre-game show and Colgate commercials with that bright ass smile of his.

JUSTIN: We all know of Peyton’s past trouble in the AFC Championship games but he finally got the monkey off his back by winning the big game against the big bad Patriots.  It's nice to know that things are back to normal in Boston, what with their teams choking in big games. It feels like everything is as it should be. 

HOG: Ouch! Dude, our friend Jonesy is from Boston and he wouldn’t even answer his phone after the Patriots blew that game. I kept getting his voicemail. And his outgoing message was him weeping.

JUSTIN: Funny that's the same one I had when the Cowboys lost...and the Mavericks lost...and the Stars lost...though I was expecting the Rangers to suck.

On the other side of the ball, Da Bears have the little girl with the curl Rex Grossman, because when he’s good, he’s very good, but when he’s bad, he stinks up the place like an early morning egg fart in a hot S.U.V. 

HOG: Aaaaaaaaw! The only way you could think up that image is because you’ve lived it. Gross!

JUSTIN: This leads us to this Sunday’s game: if Grossman can keep his mistakes to a minimum and throw a couple of touchdowns, the Bears will win this game easy. BUT if he has a four-interception stinker like he had earlier in the season, they'll be dousing Peyton with Gatorade by the third quarter. 

HOG: That would be the ULTIMATE cocky move! Imagine that! Your team is kicking so much ass that they start celebrating with 17 minutes left to play! HA HA HA!

The team puts on those goofy Super Bowl caps and they’re giving interviews and dancing and spraying champagne. That would be the ultimate insult. That would be great.

JUSTIN: Playing Styles: The playing styles of these two teams couldn’t be more different. The Bears try to stuff you on defense and then grind out the clock with hard nosed running on offense… a technique that did well to cover up their shaky quarterback and that led them to 13 wins and only three losses. 

HOG: Everyone talks trash about the Bears but yeah, they were 13-3. That’s pretty damn good. And this year, they did it all without a Super Bowl Shuffle music video.

JUSTIN: As for the Colts, at 12-4, they try to spread you out on offense and let Manning pick you apart with his precision passes. Their defense is much improved after being one of the worst rushing defenses in the league. The crew tightened up in playoffs and was actually one of the big reasons that the Colts are in the Super Bowl. 

I think that if the Colts can stop the Bears’ running game and force the Bears to throw, they have a great chance to win the game.

HOG: I think that if Colts are able to score more points that the Bears, they have a great chance to win.

But if the Bears are able to put up more points than the Colts, then they will be victorious.

Stoooooooooooooooopid.

JUSTIN: Coaches: A lot has been made about how this will be the first Super Bowl with not only one, but two black head coaches. This is an amazing feat and just goes to prove that minority coaches can be a force in the NFL when given the chance. 

That being said, two of the worst coaches in the league this year, Art Shell of the 2-14 Oakland Raiders and Denny Green of the 5-11 Arizona  Cardinals were also black. My point is that we need to look past the color of the two head coaches in this Sunday’s game and realize that they’re damn good at what they do! 

That being said, if the Cowboys are looking for a 1/2 Latino Head Coach with serious MADDEN Playstation skills, I am available.

HOG: I’m glad you brought this up. You’re totally right. This is the 21^st Century. It’s time to look past ethnicity and judge a person solely by their skill at playing video games.

JUSTIN: So after two weeks of solid hype and having every single angle of this game covered it finally comes down to the actual game! 

HOG: What?! There’s a game! I thought the whole thing was hypothetical! We need more analysis! More hype! More predictions! The actual GAME is such a let down. Ugh.

JUSTIN: I think that the Colts have the better team but I just have a gut feeling that the Bears are going to jump on them early and wear them out with the running game. My prediction: Bears 27 Colts 10.*

* This pick is totally biased as my wife is from Chicago and if I ever want to see her naked again I have to pick the Bears.

HOG: I don’t make predictions on the teams. Every year I make only one prediction: Which will be more entertaining… the Commercials or the Game?

Back in the 1990’s the Commercials had a dynasty because the Bud Bowl was always fun to watch and the Games were mainly boring blow-outs. (Except for the Giants-Bills Scott Norwood game.)

But the Game has made a great comeback. This year I predict the Game will be better than the Commercials because the Game has Peyton Manning and the Commercials have… Kevin Federline.