LARRY: A 29 year old teacher from upstate NY recently collapsed and died in front of his 6th grade class.

HOG: You know what that means… Sub!!!! Woo-hoo!!! No, that’s wrong. This is sad. He was only 29? Are you sure the 12 year olds didn’t KILL him? Maybe they were really getting into that “Lord of the Flies” book.

LARRY: While the school rushes to have grief counselors on hand to help students and administrators deal with this unfortunate turn of events, this teacher’s untimely death gave me reason to reflect on the state of education here in America. In short, this is the best time to be a school aged child in the history of this country. Why?

TEACHERS DROPPING DEAD

In my time, if we wanted a teacher dead we had to do it the old fashioned way…we killed them.

HOG: HA HA HA! Yes! See, those bratty-ass 6^th graders are probably guilty. In my school, our rowdy 5^th grade music class went through 3 teachers in one year. We were blamed for various illnesses including tension headaches, kidney stones, and a bleeding ulcer. One teacher even broke out into weird skin rash on his face. (Though I still think he got that from hooking up with Ms. Dorn.)

LARRY: And while killing a teacher is hard, hiding the body is damn near impossible especially if he or she is whacked during first period.

Today Americans are eating unhealthier than ever, and at a younger age. This 29 year old probably had the cholesterol level of broke-Oprah.

HOG: Broke-Oprah?!! Man, Oprah has high cholesterol NOW. I can only imagine what it was like back before she had health care and medication. Not many people know this, but Broke-Oprah didn’t have a heart. She had a giant egg yolk.

LARRY: Forget studying for that mid-tem Billy, the teacher probably won't make it past lunch time.

HOG: Oh that was the worst! Studying all morning and lunch period for that test and then you find out the teacher went home early or died. Inconsiderate bastards!

LARRY: And then we have:

HOT FEMALE TEACHERS SCREWING TEENAGED BOYS

HOG: Yeah, I couldn’t even get screwed by the ugly female teachers. Though my high school did employ a member of NAMBLA. (North American Man Boy Love Association.) No joke. These kids today don’t know how good they have it! Having their asses pinched by WOMEN!

LARRY: The hot teacher would always make an appearance in my early masturbation sessions. Now she’s showing up live and making fantasies come true for these hormonally challenged kids.

HOG: In 1^st grade, my teacher scolded me because I was staring into her cleavage. Little did I know, she was playing hard to get! If I only knew “the move” back then.

LARRY: It used to be that society would keep their eyes on the perverted male teachers who couldn’t control the urge to cop a feel on one of his overdeveloped girl students.

HOG: In high school we had this old substitute teacher. Always drunk. Yes, he was Irish. He would go through attendance. And every time he got to the name of an Asian girl (and we had a lot of Asian girls) he’d say, “Hello, China doll.” And he’d give her a little wink.

I can’t believe none of those girls complained. Their parents were the opposite of the free-lunch kids parents. Asian parents told their kids, “Respect your teacher! No matter what, respect your teacher!” Free-lunch parents told their kids, “Complain about the free lunch so you can get 2!  Your teacher is an idiot! If he was so smart he wouldn’t be teaching your dumb ass!”

NOTE: “Free lunch parents” is NOT code for black people. “Free Lunch kids” transcends race and religion. Ghetto, Trailer Park, and Mountain Kids of all types are held together by the common bond of poor financial situation and, even worse, poor parenting that holds children down and crushes their dreams by instilling a bad attitude and negative outlook on life.

Okay, fine. I was talking about black people.

Just kidding! Our free lunch kids were actually a mix of Puerto Ricans, blacks, Chinese, and Irish. But since I went to a good high school they had supportive parents and they went on to be successful while I sit here writing for my bootleg web site.

LARRY: Now the female teachers are stepping up to the plate and are going younger and younger. A 36 year old pre-school aide was recently arrested for raping a 4 year old boy repeatedly and when questioned by the police she said she was seduced by him.

HOG: Are you serious?! That’s f***in’ sick. Seduced by a 4 year old? Obviously, this woman is sick in the head. I think there is a room waiting for her in Bahrain. She can go cruising the jungle gyms with Michael Jackson.

LARRY: I can barely convince prostitutes to come home with me, and this kindergarten Casanova who can’t even read has women going to jail over his pre-pubescent penis.

HOG: Since we’ve gone out together and I’ve seen you in action. I must say, in defense of the prostitutes who won’t come home with you… college girls don’t like it when you call them “prostitutes.”

LARRY: Today's student also have the benefits of:

INTERNET, CELL PHONES, and IPODS

Used to be if you were going to get rejected by a girl you had to deal with that humiliation face to face.

Now if you’re an acme riddled, braces having, geek... chances are you can find someone like yourself on MySpace who is just as desperate as you.

HOG: I know! If I had MySpace back then, I’d have been making Nerd Love every night! My pen would squirt right through my pocket protection!

LARRY: These kids can fire off an instant message and hide behind the keyboard instead of getting ridiculed by hoards of cackling girls in homeroom.

HOG: Dude, in my 9^th grade homeroom, I thought this girl really liked me. I mean, she was constantly looking over at me. After SIX MONTHS I finally worked up the courage to get up and walk over to her desk to talk to her. And as I stuttered and stammered, she barely made eye contact with me. She kept looking over to my assigned seat. Which I just discovered… was directly under the clock.

LARRY: Technology has made losing your virginity easier and easier.

HOG: I hope you’re not talking about the “Fleshlight.” Because if that counts, then I lost my virginity in 5^th grade to the crevice between the couch cushions.

The Fleshlight.

LARRY: But it doesn’t stop with puberty. Need the answers to the final, have your friend text you via his cell phone.

Long gone are the days where you have to sneak and write out an answer sheet during the test to sell to your friends later. Cheating has gone digital.

HOG: Hell yeah! I wouldn’t have graduated if it wasn’t for the TI-85 calculator that stored notes! After my Physics Final I wrote a Thank You note to Texas Instruments.

LARRY: Yes it’s a great time to be a kid. Better time to be a horny kid. Even better time to be a horny, unscrupulous kid with a death wish against your math teacher. Now get to class.

HOG: Yeah! Back in the day, school was boring. Now it’s got cool stuff like machine gun fire, secret hi-tech communications, and and naughty affairs with MILFs. School is all about Sex, Drugs, and Violence! And Hollywood wonders why they’re selling less tickets! Teenagers don’t need to sneak into R-rated movies anymore when they’ve got a live action R-Rated movie in English class!

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