HOGWILD.NET has the exclusive super secret wedding vows of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes!

MINISTER: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the union in holy matrimony of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes... two beautiful people. Look how gorgeous this petite brunette looks today... and Katie doesn't look bad either!
 

[Katie's walks down the aisle.  She's being given away by her Hollywood manager who's crying.]  

MINISTER: The vows you are about to take are to be made in the name of L. Ron Hubbard, Grand Master Level 8 Theta Wizard of Scientology, who is judge of all and who knows all the secrets of our hearts: therefore if anyone in attendance knows a reason why these two may not lawfully marry, you must declare it now.

[One man raises his hand.  High-pitched whine is heard. He evaporates in a flash of light]

MINISTER: Tom, will you take Katie Holmes to be your wife? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and protect her from the evil entheta Targs who are out to destroy all mankind? Do you forsake all others and be faithful to
her as long as you both shall live?"

TOM CRUISE: "I will."

MINISTER: Katie, will you...

KATIE HOLMES: I DO!!!

MINISTER: ...take Tom to be your husband?

KATIE HOLMES: I DO!!! I am commanded to obey by the powers of Trementia Base that fight the evil Helatrobus!

MINISTER: Yes. That's wonderful. Will you love him, comfort him, honor and protect him, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?"

KATIE HOLMES: Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

TOM CRUISE: She's melting down!

MINISTER: Okay, I'll make this quick before Katie's brain explodes. Face each other, now Tom, take Katie's right hand and repeat after me: "I, Tom, take you, Katie, to be my wife..."

TOM CRUISE: I Tom, take you, Katie to be my disciple...

MINISTER: To have and to hold from this day forward...

TOM CRUISE: To have and to control from this day forward...

KATIE HOLMES: Aaaaah! My cerebral cortex!!!!

MINISTER: Okay, moving right along. Katie, take Tom's right hand...

KATIE HOLMES: You are my leader. I take you to tell me what to think, where to go, and when to breathe. Should I breathe? I will wait for your permission! <INHALE>

[Katie turns blue and purple.]

TOM CRUISE: Okay! Breath!

KATIE HOLMES: Oh thank you Supreme Alpha Commander of Hollywood!

MINISTER: Tom, do you have the ring?

TOM CRUISE: Baby Suri has it.

MINISTER: Aw, isn't she adorable?! Now Tom, remove the ring from Suri's left tentacle and place it on Katie's finger.

Heavenly L. Ron Hubbard, by your blessing, let this ring be to Tom and Katie a symbol of unending love and faithfulness, to remind them of the vow and covenant which they may have made this day; through L. Ron Hubbard, our Lord who was a fairly distinguished author. Amen. I now pronounce you husband and wife. Tom, you may now kiss the bride.

TOM CRUISE: Yuck! I mean, awesome!!!! I love you Katie!!!!

[They awkwardly kiss.]

KATIE HOLMES: Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. I will put on this beard, eye-patch, and 14 inch black strap-on pen!s. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

TOM CRUISE: Dammit! We gotta get out of here! Send her back to the lab for re-programming! I mean, we gotta go to our Honeymoon! Quick, to Freewinds... The Scientology Mothership!

MINISTER:  Go forth, sentient beings. May the orbit of these stars always be binary. Even a radiant supernova celebrity like Tom -- in marriage -- can find happiness with a mere brown dwarf like Katie.   

[Crowd of Scientologist wedding guests see Tom and Katie off to their limo, throwing crumpled balls of aluminum foil.]